IMPERFECT Lady

Your children are sure to follow.

"The Body Never Lies," by Alice Miller.

‎"Children cannot escape their own parents, so they cannot afford to see through them either. Blindness makes it possible to survive. This is the way the abuse of children has functioned since time immemorial. BLINDNESS AND FORGIVENESS ARE ESSENTIAL TO SURVIVAL. But at the same time they lead to repletion and they perpetuate cycles of cruelty."

"To break through this vicious circle we need to understand that so-called love cannot survive abuse, deception, and exploitation without seeking new victims. And if it requires new victims, it is no longer love but at best the longing for love. Only UNFLINCHING REALIZATIONS OF ONE'S OWN PAST REALITY, OF WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED CAN BREAK THROUGH THE CHAIN OF ABUSE. IF I KNOW AND CAN FEEL WHAT MY PARENTS DID TO ME WHEN I WAS TOTALLY DEFENSELESS, I NO LONGER NEED VICTIMS TO BEFOG MY AWARENESS. I no longer need to re-enact what happened to me and take it out on innocent people because now I know what happened. And if I want to live my life consciously, without exploiting others, then I must actively accept that knowledge." Alice

What seems so clear, yet is so hard to wrap your brain around, is that a defenseless child is left without escape and in order to survive turns itself blind to what the parent is doing.  You mind will not allow you to SEE your parents.  Not 'remembering' what happened, allows you to live in a fanatasy. And in this so called, 'loving home' you then begin to grow and develop awkwardly.

You set into place the opposite screen to what is.

Love is abusive.

Caring is neglectful.

Your 'truth' is backwards...you become authentically dysfunctional and can't even see it.

It is my belief, that we then hurt our children in order to keep 'love' alive.  Love means there must be a victim and a perpetrator.

The fog of not seeing who my parents were, also swirled and darkened my access to emotions that were what they truly were.

Meaning, I didn't have access to moving away from fear, and even more tragically, I didn't have emotions of warmth and kindness that moved me towards goodness.

Not having access to warmth and kindness, kept me pushed back on the inside, not feeling drawn to children inside.

My insides were all wrong.  

My arms could wrap around them...but not my heart.

My heart was used for clinging to abuse....so oddly it is, if you could see your children as hurtful, unkind, etc, then they could be loved.

Not sure if you all can follow this, but it makes bitter sense to me.

What gratitude I have for the fog lifting 7 years ago...and to see in harsh reality my parents and what they did to defenseless children unable to escape; I then was able to walk right-side up.

Walking and pushing back from abuse and things that hurt me...allowed me to feel warmth toward my children...to feel their innocence and my deranged mind.

For all the mothers out there who have doubts and glimpses of their childhood terrors, and are unable to see straight through to what their mother did...You will enact her emotional pattern.

You will love what hurts...and be pushed back and away from kindness, love, peace and joy.  You will shut out the Light side of life, while stoking the fires of hell...and not even know it, for the blindness of surviving your childhood blocks you from seeing.

Growing up means taking down the survival glasses and facing the reality of your childhood, feeling and seeing the defenselessness of being you in their home.

The blocking out abuse lenses are also blocking you from seeing your innocence.  

If you can't see you as an innocent child, your children will never wear that banner...

It all falls down to pick one.

You or your parents are innocent or to blame, for the childhood abuse.

Depending upon what path you take; your children are sure to follow.

Baton-Less!

I thought about innocence yesterday and what it is, how is it experienced and do I truly know it.

This morning it came to me that I was picking up pieces of innocence as I walked searching for truth, and that perhaps truth is innocence, for without truth can there be innocence?  And is it possible to have experienced so much that isn't innocent and still be innocent or be able to return to the land of innocence?

I had looked up the meaning of innocence and one definition said, "freedom from guilt or sin through being unacquainted with evil - blamelessness.  I like this one.

Being free of guilt...

I thought perhaps it was impossible to get back a state of innocence, that once you fell out of that pureness, it would be impossible to wipe yourself clean again.

Innocence dies when you feel blamed.  Innocence dies when you become acquainted with evil... And it returns when the blame lies outside of you.

If everyone would look upward, toward their parents, victims would dry up...innocence would bloom...like a chain reaction of love flowing backwards through generations; innocence would flourish.

Seeing the flow of guilt and how it poured downward into small children, you can see the cause...how it forms and why.

Alice Miller is correct, that the fourth commandment has really messed with our heads and psyches, by bringing blame into our selves out of fear of blaming our parents.

Innocence is being able to stand up and face the truth of what is...not carrying the blame, shame and guilt that isn't mine to carry.  I didn't start this trickle down affect, but I do carry my responsibility to stop it from flowing down into my children.

If I blame my children for 'making me mad' or 'losing control', I am passing the baton of guilt to my child.  If she reaches for the baton, she will lose her innocence.  Taking the blame for something you didn't start is to lose your innocence.

Taking back your innocence is to hand back the blame.

A relay going backwards, is the only way we can heal ourselves from abuse...

The weight of carrying the wrong baton is where all the issues lie.  

I remember in the early days of my mental breakdown, the days of discovering that all I thought I knew, I knew nothing....I recall feeling that this mess was much to big for me AND that I can't fix what I didn't create.  

It took me out of the lives of my parents and siblings and into my own.  My own was a big enough mess and I carried only that.

I handed the batons of guilt and responsibility back to my parents.

I handed the batons of guilt and responsibility back to my siblings.

And only sat with what I was responsible for.  

In the past, in the present or in my future.  Holding that damn baton in order to keep my parents guilt free, had done nothing to clean them up, but in fact dirtied me.

I see sins being forgiven the same way.  "Here hold my guilt for me...carry the burdens of my bad choices!"

Quitting the relay team of guilt has set me free...I carry only me.

I take responsibility for what I do, what I say and how I act.

My children don't have to carry any part of me.

I am a self contained container...a free me.

Innocence is being free to be me...baton-less!

Photograph by Hannah Jukuri....

 

One Verse of Me.

I had an overwhelming feeling of being lost, of searching for myself, but not knowing who I was or how I would find me.

What I was describing very accurately is my innocent me.

That was who I set off to find...how I had gotten so far off the path of me...and who would I be, minus all the stuff?

Letting go of the old me, and turning my back on all of the folks who created her, was very scary...for I had nothing of myself when I left.

I was a stranger to myself going out to find a self, who I didn't know at all.

I didn't know how this journey would end, what would I find as I resurrected my truth...

I stood horrified of the lies I had built myself upon...and couldn't pretend to pretend to pretend I was her...and a new self wasn't born, so I was left in a space a vacuum of time...nothing to hold myself in.

A stranger to the truth...and a nonbeliever of the lies.

Where I used to be strong and confident in the false life, I now lay weak in disbelief.

I don't know where the courage came to even wiggle a finger, let alone set out and dig up my past and re-contextualize each thing to set it up within the frame work of truth.  And to do so while living life.

Living life as a nobody.  Just a truth correction lady.  Letting my self definition go, while I fixed all my wrong beliefs and thoughts.

It was like my life to this point was written in fiction and I had to go back and make it nonfiction.  I was the main character and the author...re-writing my past while living in my present...changing the essence of the main character, me.

Here I am writing my life story, while living it out; changing the main character from dysfunctional to functional...from false and fiction to truth and reality...

What an intriguing position.  Writing how I found me, while researching how I lost me...while lost to who I really am.

Unaware, to aware...but lost....to knowing how I got lost.

I found myself where I got lost.

Innocent.  

When I left my innocence, I lost me...I walked away, or ran in fear and terror...or was exploited.

While I can burst with gratitude for finding myself and my innocence, I too have to feel the agony of the sheer magnitude that conspired to lead me from me.

The forces that pulled me away...and I felt the literal forces working to drag me back as worked on going back to me.

My cells and DNA screamed as I worked to return to my natural state of being, they were addicted to the false lies and false adoration and attention...I had to turn on myself, turn on my family, turn away from all I knew, in order to recalibrate myself.

Going from Falsehood to Truth. 

Innocence is being at one with the truth....one verse of me.

This photo was taken of me and my sister friend, Kirsten in the summer of 2008.  I love the joy, the love and peace....me on my journey back to me...I have found wonderful souls to walk with me and cheer me on.  I love that you held me up when I had nothing inside of me.  Thanks seems so small for such a huge task, but thank you to all who walked with me as I sought to find myself while lost.

 

 

Who Believed the Worst About Herself.

In the aftermath of reading David Hawkins, I am left with an even greater understanding or perhaps an explanation of my journey, how I arrived, what happened that covered my eyes and spirit; my innocence.

I almost felt that I was responsible for being so irresponsible, that I had somehow fallen asleep carelessly or that perhaps I didn't care enough to save myself or was kind enough to save my sisters or any other girl who was abused after me.

There was a part of me, a pretty large part that felt I was responsible for being so irresponsible...and that irresponsibility is my nature, my soul's fingerprint, the DNA of who I am.  

Another huge chunk also enjoyed the haughty elitism of the FALC; the one right pathway to Heaven.  That I didn't mind all the other poor souls going to hell...I was heartless to the core...Self Rightiously superior and self absorbed.

When my 'truths' of my first forty-six years revealed themselves to be false, I began the digging process to uncover how I had gotten so blind, backwards and confused, and who was the real me underneath it all?

It feels like I am paleontologist of my own life, where I am trying to get to the fossil of who I am...to see me in my natural state.

While it takes courage to be willing to want to know the truth, to search for answers to your irresponsibility, to go into your coldness, your blindness to evil within as well as out; like researching a monster called Self.

Being a detective in your own life...your dysfunctional life.  

Taking apart your mental mind, re-creating the pathways of beliefs that led you to act like a robot...with a mind completely closed down and emotions and feelings buried deep.  A great student of hatred in order to feel good.  

What I recall of the First Apostolic Lutheran Church, is that they spoke of nonbelievers as being the devil, along with items they called sins; how they will slowly take away your 'faith' little by little.  When in actuality, they (preachers) were taking away our innocence bit by bit.

Each time we believed in the sermon about nonbelievers being bad, we were taught to hate them.  Each time we relinquished our rights to our body, the preachers/church won another part of our lives.

Its subtle and not so subtle messages slowly turned us into hating not only others but our own flesh and blood...and the weakness of self against them.

How it would be impossible to resist the devil, so best not to dance the first step.

Innocence and strength of spirit was not preached...but wretchedness and our inherent weakness poured into us. 

I recall spending my first night at a non-relative nonbeliever's home...I was in grade school.  They had a TV, the parents drank beer, and I was afraid to go to sleep.  I was terrified, like sleeping in the devils home.  Fear of them...and fear of the pull and not being able to resist.  I remember we slept on the floor in the livingroom, and she fell asleep with the TV on...and I was mesmerized watching it, while knowing it was wrong, but couldn't stop.  I felt how 'evil' was stronger than I.

The little innocent child self, curious and in wonderment, wanted to see TV, knowing it was wrong...did so and then was terrified I would die with this sin in me and go directly to hell.  Stuck in a home of nonbelievers.  A weak child against the demons.

Looking upon this from the perspective of the program they were putting in place sickens me.  Not so much the program which is so filled with elitism, but the fact that the innocent child gulps this up without question. 

Eroding its sense of pureness. Imagine by grade school, I was already gone.  

Now add onto this being abused by my father.  I am weak and wretched once again.  

And now my mother's opinion of me comes in.  Once again, no one sees my innocence.  It must be true.

Three very influential factions in my little world all see me as no longer innocent.

There is no way I can't turn on myself and see me as they see me.  

See my body as they see my body.

And if I was of stronger 'faith' or a stronger little girl, I could have saved my innocence....I believed.  I was the one who was weak and couldn't save myself.  Because I couldn't I was responsible for being irresponsible.

I didn't pull apart the string so deeply to see the intricate pieces of how all my innocence was lost.  

If the church still held me innocent, while I had lost it with my father, I would have then been half innocent; half good.  But, there was no one in my little life that seen me as a very innocent child whose consciousness is not devious.

What a big burden for a child to carry, the lack of innocence and good.

No matter how much I tried to do good, It was never enough to erase the DNA of being guilty for losing my innocence...hating my weakness against evil.  I lost and it won, always.

To see myself and to know myself and to feel myself as being innocent/good/a joyful Spirit was taken from me...replaced with feelings of guilt, shame and weakness. 

It is like the church/dysfunctional parent rips apart all that is natural, and of spirit; peace, love and joy...transforming the child of innocence, to reflect instead, that of the devil and hatred and fear.

What chance does the child have?  

No wonder I felt weak and powerless, I was.  I was weak in discernment, weak in not standing up against adults.  I was weak in not questioning...I was weak and unable to fight those who were determined to have my innocence.

Yet I berated myself and my weakness...and grew into a girl wise beyond her years.  An old person in a young life.  I tried to control what was out of my control....and felt guilty when I couldn't.

I knew I lost my innocence. I knew I was weak.  What I didn't know was that the strong people in my life preyed upon this.  That there was no way in hell I could have stopped this.  

Not the rape of my body nor the rape of my innocent mind by the church...nor could I have convinced my mother.  For her love of both of them left me with no one to turn to.

As Dr. Maya Angelou says, "Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives."

What I failed to appreciate are a few things;

The strength of the adults and the natural inherent trust of the child and its inability to discern makes it the weaker of the two.  It isn't that I was irresponsible, I was naturally over taken.  

I didn't fight this larger system.  Which leads to another quote by Dr. Maya Angelou "...surrender in its place was as honorable as resistance, especially if one had no choice."

I now can honor my lack of resistance, for I had no choice.

It wasn't weakness...I surrendered in order to survive.

I can vividly see, feel and know the weakness wasn't weakness, but the truth of being a child...it is inherently weak against an adult.

It isn't a personal character flaw, a carelessness or calculated callousness; I was naturally being a child.

I could weep for the natural little girl...who believed the worst about herself.

 

Photograph, by Hannah Jukuri

 

 

 

He Only Recognizes the Hardware

David Hawkins writes about innocence...from "Healing and Recovery" and perhaps this is the whole journey of life...healing and recovering your innocence.

"To safely do spiritual work and avoid crises, it is necessary to reaffirm, look within, and discover one's own innocence.  It really is not safe to do spiritual work unless one has a glimpse of that innate naive innocence and keeps one eye on it at all times, because that innocence is the gateway back to the Truth so one does not get lost in the swamp."

"How do we see that innocence and know its presence?  We know that enlightened beings say that all are one with God, and consequently, that which is intrinsically innocent is within us at all times.  The knowingness can occur as a matter of revelation or understanding."

"It we look at the consciousness of the child, we see the child's innocence. Everyone agrees on the innocence of the child whose consciousness is not devious.  It hasn't learned to lie; it hasn't learned the values of judgment and criticism.  The child is openly trusting and innocent, and out of this innocence and trustingness, paradoxically, it begins to learn that which is not the truth.  He or she hears the parents say, "We don't play with certain children because they are the wrong race, creed, or color; they belong to the wrong religion," and so hatred is taught to the child.  In order for the child to be loyal to the family to honor and love its mother and father, the child has to adopt that teaching."

"As a result, the innocence of the child is exploited by that which is not the truth, and that which is not the truth innocently comes through generation after generation, via the parents, grandparents, other family members, friends, teachers, television, storybooks, and novels.  So that which is intrinsically innocent now begins to take unto itself programs and beliefs that are not the truth."

"We can compare the consciousness of the child to the hardware of the computer, and the programming coming in from the social consciousness of the world itself is the software.  We see that the computer, the hardware, which is intrinsically innocent, is uncontaminated by the software.  You can run any kind of ignorance of negativity or falsehood through a computer, and the computer itself is uncontaminated.  You put in the next CD, and the computer's capacity is unimpaired."

"Likewise, that intrinsic innocence within consciousness itself is unimpaired, and that intrinsic innocence is reading these words right now.  It is the intrinsic innocence of one's consciousness that is listening and reading, trying to find the truth, trying to tune itself in to what is real."

"That childlike innocence is unchanged throughout one's entire life; it never leaves."

"When looking at what the world calls ego, or what spiritual work calls ego, instead of condemning it, we can see, out of innocence, that is what we believed at the time.  What we did was appropriate if that software program had been correct.  Therefore, we do not ever really make a 'mistake' in our spiritual work.  Everything is on purpose once we set our intention to achieve an understanding of the truth and be open to Grace so that the truth may be revealed in whatever way we wish to hold in mind, in whatever expression is most appropriate.  It is important to remember that we have asked for all that is in error (i.e.,ignorance) to be brought up for recognition. It is all right to do that if we realize our innate innocence at the same time."

"We again ask, The innocence of what?  It is the innocence not of us as a person but the innocence of consciousness itself because, as a person, we are merely reflecting that which is universal as consciousness itself.  What has gone on has happened as a result of the nature of consciousness; therefore, there is no point going into personal self-condemnation about it nor, on the opposite side of the coin, going into personal pride about it."

"Discovering the nature of consciousness itself and looking into the nature of consciousness in our own introspection reveals that everything we have believed in during our whole life has happened out of innocence.  Compassion and understanding develop and because of that compassion, we can now see that through our own innocence, we have come to believe what we believe.  The willingness to forgive then allows us to see into the hearts of others.  Out of our own compassion, we can see the innocence of the child over and over.  No matter what the age of the body, the consciousness has remained unchanged.  We can still hear the heart of the child within the adult saying "won't," "don't" and so forth; it is the innocence of the child still speaking.  We need to keep an eye on that to prevent spiritual crises.  It heals conflicts as they arise."

"The reaffirmation of our innocence consists of never buying that anything is 'just' ego; there is no such thing as 'just' ego.  Ego, the software, social consciousness, and the programming have been superimposed on that which is not ego but on truth itself and consciousness itself."

"All spiritual crises come from context, meaning, and the way in which a thing is held.  If we think our diet is an unspiritual diet, or our lifestyle or what we do for a living are unspiritual, they are merely reflecting a certain level of consciousness."

"Those who have reached very high levels of consciousness condemn nothing. They will affirm, however, that certain levels of consciousness will have consequences, and that a certain lifestyle, one of selling out the truth, about one's self, will bring inner pain and grievance.  It is left up to the individual to continue the process, and there is no attempt to control anyone."

"Certain behaviors or self-condemnation will activate energy fields that will be experienced as painful.  Again, it is left to the individual to continue or not.  However, it is then not seen as a threat but as merely a fact of human consciousness that inner agony can become greater than what it is already is if one violates certain principles.  The teaching still holds up that it can be a very high teaching even thought it may warn us that very agonizing painful states of consciousness can come about as a result of certain behaviors."

"All the experience within human consciousness, including all spiritual work, represents a position, a way of being with, and a way of holding what we are always talking about.  Even though we think we are talking about the external world, it is really an inner position as a consequence of a certain level of consciousness, of how we choose to be with something, and the pains and agonies that come about as a result of our clinging onto putting our survival on something that is not the truth.  Pain tells us that we have put our survival onto something that is a violation of some principle of consciousness.  That is really what spiritual work is about."

"The progressive pain of these positions tells us that they are far from the truth not what that they are 'wrong'.  As we get closer to  the experience of the Presence of God, the inner experience is one of increasing joy and happiness.  As we get further from it, it tells us that we are far removed from the truth. Therefore, it is not a 'make wrong'.  It is not a right or wrong, it is just that it is painful and does not work."

"The Buddha said that all pain and suffering are based on attachment and desire. "  David Hawkings, 

If you look at your journey as going from hot to cold, cold meaning away from truth and hot meaning walking with it, you will see life without the right and wrong doing, but instead like a graph or scale. 

And your life will be dramatically affected by the closeness to the truth or by how far away you are from it.

What I know for certain it is harder to find the truth, if the truth was not taught to you.  In fact to find the truth, you have to first discover what was taught that wasn't the truth...and to fully understand the malleability of our innocence.

It is because we were so innocent, so trusting and our survival depended upon the adults in our worlds, that we slurped up their softwear program.

I can visualize people now by where they are on the sliding scale of truth vs not truth...and the softwear they speak from can give you great insights to if they are hot or cold.  And actually, their lives will clearly display how deeply buried is their innocence.

Discovering our innocence is the Spiritual Journey; we will then see what God sees.  He only recognizes the hardware...

 

 

 

A loving God there.

"In the beginning of the research, we were naive.  We assumed that anything labeled as 'spiritual' must be of the highest truth, valid, and something that could be corroborated through one's inner experience. We found that this is not necessarily the case, and what is labeled a spiritual teaching might range anywhere over the Map of Consciousness, all the way from the bottom of the Map, where the teaching was written by those who teach hate as the way to truth, up to those who are most infinitely loving.  We found that many of the books were of a negative energy field, meaning that one would end up in a worse condition from getting involved in that particular field of learning and would move further away from the truth than before reading it.  Almost half the books in a typical spiritual bookstore are actually fiction."

"As a result we had to look at the value of the research itself.  In looking at the field of spiritual research, we found there are no real guidelines for the person approaching spiritual work for the first time or going back into it later in life with a renewed interest.  Each approach claimed that it represented the truth, so the self-claims were no indication of validity.  We also found that the number of followers and the glamour of riches the teacher of a certain pathway had no correlation with its validity - the number of followers meant nothing, and best sellers were frequently purely fictional."

"A purported teacher could have a great many followers, and yet we discovered that the energy field was in a negative direction, with calibrations being very low.  As we got closer to the truth of the great enlightened beings that were acknowledged by all of mankind, the energies always moved upward in a positive direction.  The calibrations were always over 600 and on up into the 700's.  Therefore, we see how the great teachers -those called avatars - who were on the planet for only a short period of earthly time, changed the face of the world and the belief systems of mankind, breaking new ground and creating a whole new context and set of values because the power and energy of their words were of a such high caliber."

"That which is truthful carries greater power and calibrates at a higher number.  It is a higher frequency, and in physics, the higher the frequency, the greater the power.  Electrical power, for example, is not transmitted across the countryside at 120 volts; it is transmitted at 30,000 volts or higher. The higher the frequency the greater the power. This is why the words of the great teachers have transformed mankind for thousands of years.  Their words are still active and powerful and continue to transform the consciousness of mankind thousands of years later, even though their bodies have left the plant.  When we calibrate the energy fields of their work, we see that they are of enormous power, so it is not just what is said, it is the power of the being who says it."

"It has been discovered that, historically, there has really been no safe context or orientation available for people approaching this field, so the way to avoid spiritual crises and the need for spiritual first aid in the future is to back up a bit and do some individual research. The first question to ask about any teaching is, "What is the level of the teaching?" This is helpful because the child within continues to be naive and innocent.  The innocence, on the other hand, is twhat leads to error because the innocent mind of the child has no means of discernment.  It needs some way to determine what is going to be beneficial."

"it is obvious that if one is involved in a teaching that as an energy field below 200, one will have negative experiences. In contrast, a teaching that has a positive energy field and calibrates at a high level is going to lead into a lovingness, which is the best insurance against spiritual catastrophe.  One can ask if the teaching, teacher of the teaching, or the books of the teaching are reflecting a high level.  This is not to say it is right or wrong; it is just beneficial to determine its level."

"If a teaching is below 200, at Hatred, for example, it will say that God hates you, your behavior, your impulses and your humanness.  Thus, this is a God of Hatred, and the energy field is negative, calibrating even as low as 20, 30, or 40.  At that level is hatred, the killing of others and suicide.  Thee is a God of death rather than of life.  Self-hatred and an inner feeling of being destroyed come from this teaching.  If one wishes to follow such a pathway, at least one is going with their eyes open (e.g. terrorism)."

"There are teachings of existentialism that focus on man's hopelessness. They are based upon worshipping the past in which there is a great deal of grief and self-pity toward what has befallen this group of people.  There are teachings and teachers who express and exploit the energy field called Fear, in which case the person experiences a fear of God as a punitive God. The energy field is in a negative direction and continues to engender fear."

"All these negative fields have proponents who sound convincing. They are like politicians in the religious or spiritual world and very adept at their convincingness."

"As we move up into Anger, we see those positions that promote anger, conflict, hatred, and religious wars because they are competitive and usually champion a politicized god of retaliation. Because it is a polarized position, it is always viewed that God will punish the nonbelievers, which is usually one of the traditional teachings.  It is important to know where this calibrates on the scale so we can see how it correlates with things that are truthful." David Hawkins, "Healing and Recovery".

What I find so discerning is that the word or subject of God and Spirituality can be used and manipulated by fear and the "innocent child" goes along believing.

The FALC, due to its belief that the nonbelievers will be punished, leaves its teachings at the level of Anger.  Stunning in its horror as a child of that church.

He goes on to say, " How can we heal what comes up in our lives unless we hold a healing position?  It is obvious how critically important it is to know the energy field of a given teaching.  If it requires forgiveness, the teachings of the Christ is based on forgiveness.  If it requires compassion and understanding, then the teaching will have to be at calibration level 500 and over because healing begins at 540. That which the world call sin is obvious something that requires healing, does it not?  Then a healing that is at least at the level of 540 is needed."

"To ask people to bring up something from within into a negative energy field is to bring about upset; therefore it is unsafe to go into any spiritual teaching whatsoever that suggests introspection, soul searching, and purification unless that energy field of that teaching or pathway is positive and at 540 or higher.  It is evident how dangeous a lower-level teaching could be - it would be like putting oneself on the operating table and letting one's abdomen be opened by a surgeon who does not have the skill to handle what he is going to discover when he does so. We don't allow a second-year medical student to open abdomens on the operating table.  Instead, it is done by someone who has the power. These energy fields have power.  It requires a great deal of power and knowledge to open up someone's insides and investigate them."

"We don't advise introspection in the beginnings of the inner process of purification until it is determined tht the teacher, teaching, and those around a person are in the energy field of at least 540, a field that is nurturing, supportive, and forgiving and has the purpose of healing through understanding and true compassion.  The God of that kind of energy field would therefore be a God who loves us because healing only occurs through loving, and His love would be unconditional."  David

All I can say is wow.  Trusting in someone to help nurture you with anger is an impossible feat.  

Not only the teachings of the FALC, are preached from the level of anger, but what of the ministers themselves?  

There is no way a child in that religion WHO has been abused as a chance in hell of recovering while in that system.  None.  To operate on their soul while anger curses through their veins and cells.  

What a huge affirmation this is for me and why I was so repelled and flung back from this system...It would be impossible to find a loving God there.

A broken Heart can open you up to you.

I made it to the yoga mat today, the third time in a week.  I was surprised that my yoga was waiting for me, that my poses were pretty much where I left them.  

I was a little stiff, and a bit wobbly in locking my knee, and my middle had bulked out some, which didn't make that much of a difference.

Today, when I went into the first floor exercise, and lifted my left leg, the pain in my hip or joint area was very intense.  As in the past, I began asking it what was its source...and when I said the word guilty, immediately I began to sob.

It felt like I was left feeling guilty for being abused, that I was carrying the guilt and it constricted me, made me curl into myself.  I began doing what David Hawkins suggested, to cancel the guilt beliefs about myself, and breathed in the knowing of innocence.

As I do the floor exercises my belly button hernia sometimes bothers me, so I was rubbing that and wondering what belief or what message the body was delivering with this bulging of my guts. How did this develop... I asked was it that I was "spilling my guts" and nothing happened.  I then pondered if I hated my guts, if I as disgusted with myself, and again immediately an emotional response.  I acknowledge this wrong belief, feeling the innocent me getting this wrong...and then did the cancelling breathing and adding that I recieved the message from my body, that my belly no longer has to gain my attention.  I will continue to do this in yoga now and see how things improve and change.  

It is so telling that as children in our innocence we believe things due to the lack of adult supervision and correcting our distorted beliefs, and it becomes something we re-inforce as we unconsciously don't fully embrace ourselves.

We have to see where our innocence left and then make a correction in order to make changes in our minds.  Our Spirit can recognize the place where we veered off the path of innocence and it too can bring us back.

What a very healing yoga session...working my body and correcting my mind.

Then, I went to do a Valentine Quilt, but what came to me was to work on the one Lady Quilt that was a work in progress.

My Valentine Lady is much more pensive than what I had pictured...perhaps I had to get this one out of the way, and then do one that represents a very much in love with herself Lady.

The Hearts say, "Broken - Open" and  "Self - No one" and the bottom one says, "Self Love". 

I see her as trying to protect herself from heartbreak, and yet her hearts break.  

By feeling the loss you can become whole.  Very interesting to me how this lady turned out.  A broken heart can open you up to you. 

 

"Healing and Recovery"

A continuation from "Healing and Recovery", by David Hawkins.

"Within each and everyone is that intrinsic innocence that never dies, no matter how long we live; it is intrinsic to the nature of consciousness itself.  The innocence of the child is what bought the mistake or negative program in the first place.  It is helpful to be aware that the intrinsic innocence of the child is still present in everyone.  It is the innocence that watches television and naively buys into the negative programming due to its lack of discernment. The innocence of the child has no warning within it, nothing that says, "This is a world that is out to program you with as much negativity as you are willing to buy."  In fact, that world gets well paid to do so because advertising is often based on appealing to the negative energy fields.  All our fears, desires, and pridefulness are represented below the level of 200.  It takes the willingness to be aware that within us in our innocence needs to be protected."

"When we look at "self-care", which is the capacity to love one's self, we find it now means taking responsibility to protect ourselves from the consequences of that innocence and the willingness to undo mistakes that the mind picked up as a result.  We can then handle looking at ourselves and healing that which we find within us if we accept the awareness of the intrinsic innocence of our consciousness.  We see that it was the innocence that was programmed. We then take responsibility for that and say, "In my innocence, I bought all that; I didn't know any better.  I thought that the right thing to do was to be judgmental, to condemn people, and to judge them as right and wrong.  Now I see that all that has made me sick, so I'm going to let it go."  The people who are willing to look into this and go through the processes already described had complete, and full recoveries from their illnesses."

"The capacitiy to be forgiving is within us, along with the capacity for compassion.  Out of it comes a general attitude about the way in which we look at ourselves. From our bigness, from our greatness, we look at our humanness through forgiving eyes and begin to forgive ourselves as well as others for all the things that were limitations and denials of the truth.  All the things in the energy fields below 200 are denials of the truth; all those above 200 are the acceptance of that which is true and positive.  Because our body reflects what the mind believes, and the mind reflects our spiritual position, spirit has the greatest power of all. Therefore, our spiritual position literally determines whether we have a healthy physical body or not."

"Once we are willing to accept the power of the mind, we have to be attentive, persevering, and not let mind get away with expressing negativity.  We have to stop it as soon as we become aware of it. We have to begin to develop an awareness of negativity and recognize it for what it is. We let go of false humility and start questioning such remarks as, "Well, you know, I'm not very bright," or " My handwriting is poor," or "I gain weight eating the same amount of food that thin people eat."  The minute we become aware of ourselves saying or thinking these limiting, self-defeating, self-attacking thoughts, we have to stop and cancel them."

"The handwriting is poor because there is a belief system that we have poor handwriting, so we then reverse the whole programming of the mind as far as cause and effect.  We are returning to a principle that we can demonstrate through our own experience.  It is physical and the expression of the mental, not vice-versa."

"We came to the conclusion that our handwriting is poor because the cause was in the mind, in the belief system.  It may have been a remark picked up during childhood.  Someone may have said, "Your handwriting is poor," and from that point forward, the program is operative.  We have to look at the ingenuity of the unconscious mind to really see it.  It would be great if one had some experience in watching hypnotic experiments.  It has been shown that if a person is told their legs will be itching when they awaken, and then induce amnesia for the suggestion, when the person wakes up, they are asked how they feel.  Instantly the mind will start creating the most marvelous and convincing argument of why the person's legs should itch.  The person doesn't just say, "Well, my legs itch."  The mind always gets creative and starts explaining, "Well, I have wool pants on, and you know I'm allergic to wool, and the heat in this room is steam heat, and that always creates the itching."  It is just marvelous to listen to the inventiveness of the mind as it begins to create reasons for the symptoms, which, as stated above, were place within the hypnotic subject on purpose.  The mind will do the same thing without formal hypnosis, so it is helpful to look at ourselves as though we have been hypnotized for half our lives and did not even realize it."

"What is hypnosis?  It is suggestibility, is it not?  It means to be in an unguarded, suggestible, relaxed state, so anytime we have been in that state, we have picked up all the programming, and whether we remember it or not, it is still operative.  All the times we were half asleep as we sat in front of the television set, hour after hour of programming went into the mind and became unconscious hypnotic programs."

"We can discover what we have been programmed with by watching to see what comes up, such as the idea that, "I'm no good.  Oh, I'm no good, I'm no good. I never was very good at playing cards."  If we have the belief system of not being very good at playing cards, that is what is going to operate in our life and also reinforce that belief system.  The belief system become self-reinforcing and self-fulfilling prophecies. A belief that is held unwittingly can manifest in our life, thus justifying the belief system.  By looking at our lives, we can tell what beliefs are being held.  If we cannot recall them, then we say they are unconscious or have unwittingly picked up from the collective consciousness of society."

"Heath is the automatic expression of higher energy fields.  The fields of 540 and over are the levels of gratitude, forgiveness, and healing. The willingness to be forgiving and grateful in itself automatically begins the healing process.  Becoming a loving being in the energy fields of love is not sentimentality or emotionalism.  What the world calls love is more often about dependency, control, sentimentalism, and emotionalism.  It is an emotional, sentimental attachment in which control is going back and forth, and there is the satisfaction or desiringness on both sides.  This is the Hollywood version of love."

"When you hear someone say, "I used to love George, but I don't anymore," it means that they never did love George. What was really meant is that they had a sentimental attachment, sort of a solar-plexus kind of 'hanging onto', which the person romanticized and glamorized within their life, pouring a lot of emotional energy into it so that when the tie was broken, up came a lot of negative emotion."

"Real love is unconditional love.  Unconditional love is a decision we make within ourselves.  The process is one of intention and the decision to be a loving person.  If I decide to love you, that is my inner decision.  There is nothing the other person can do about it..." David Hawkins

 

Mind, Body and Spirit

"Healing and Recovery" by David Hawkins...he is writing about health.

"We also have to look at how experience is actually experienced. The body itself is insentient, as curious as that may seem.  It has no capacity to experience itself. The next level comes through sensations, from the senses of the body, so we do not experience the body; instead, we experience the sensations of the body.  Senses themselves have no innate capacity to experience themselves. They are experienced in mind.  The sense report what is going on with the body, so we are several levels removed.  Mind itself is unable to experience its own experience. It has to be in a greater, larger energy field than itself, and in this case, it is the energy field of consciousness.  Because of consciousness, we are aware of what is going on in mind.  Mind then tells us via the senses what is going on in the body.  We can see that perception is several levels removed from the physical body.  Consciousness itself requires something greater than itself, called awareness.  Awareness allows us to know what is going on in consciousness and reports what is happening within mind.  Mind in turn reports what is happening about the body via the senses."

"That which we call 'myself' is many levels removed from the physical body.  It is necessary to understand that fact because we then see that the mind has power over the body.  We can appreciate the physics of the energy fields of the 400s, and see that, just by their sheer power, they are greater than the energy field of the physical body.  The physical body (calibration level 200) does what the mind tells it to do.  Therefore, if the mind says, "I have this disease," the body complies."

"We can thus see the importance of not buying into programs, all of which are really limitations of the truth.  We can see the importance of consciously canceling the limiting programs and instead saying something that is the truth.  The truth is, "I am an infinite being not subject to that."  So, when people hear something such as "Eggs are full of cholesterol, and cholesterol gives you heart disease," they accept the thought as the truth and buy into the belief system that the cholesterol in eggs will raise their blood cholesterol. Their bodies simply agree and raise the blood cholesterol when eggs are eaten."

"One time I had a very high cholesterol level and began to cancel the belief system.  I repeatedly said, "I am an infinite being; I am not subject to that.  I am only subject to what I hold in mind. This does not apply to me, and I hereby cancel it and refuse it."  If the mind can program you with a negative belief system, it can also reverse itself, can it not?  Therefore, we begin telling ourselves that the belief system has no effect on us, that it is only a belief system, and that we do not have to buy into it or go into agreement with it."

"When we go into agreement with a belief system, we give it the power of the collective energy of that belief.  When we refuse it, we then release ourselves from the collective energy of the belief system and count ourselves out.  One attitude is to not buy into agreement with negative belief systems that have to do with our health.  This is very important when it comes to epidemic suggestions and hysteria. The programming that comes in is aided and abetted by an emotional program."

"Much is still heard about AIDS, for example, which is accompanied by constant repetition in the media that play on fear - Fear about this, anger about that, and of course, the guilt about this.  What better disease to bring up all of man's feelings of sinfulness and guilt, especially about ones sexuality, which is so common in all cultures, not just ours.  Of course, it then takes on a negative energy when the coin is turned over and becomes the lowest.  What better area in which to create an epidemic to ensure the belief in it?  There is the unconscious guilt, not to mention the conscious guilt about one's sexuality, the sadness about it, the grief over it, and the fear about the disease itself.  All this contributes to setting the stage for a mental belief system in an energy field of 400s.  There is also the negative energy field of fear, which is the energy field of 100s, plus the guilt of calibration of level 30.  This is the exact set-up for disease because the mind chooses that with which it is impressed and uses that as a form of expression."

"In the case of the cholesterol experiment I cancelled the thought every time it came up.  After a short time, the cholesterol level decreased, and now I can eat three eggs for breakfast every morning, lots of cheese, even other high cholesterol foods, yet my cholesterol is low and sometimes even below normal for my age."

"The body will do exactly as the mind believes, but there is a credibility problem here. The persons ask, "How could just my belief in that make it happen within my life?"  It is due to the nature of the unconscious, which creates the opportunity for that to occur. There is the person who is 'accident prone' because that belief has taken hold in their mind.  Unconsciously, the person just manages to get their body in the right place at the right time in order to get hit by the fender of a car, or slip down stairs, or get hit on the head.  There is no need to worry about it because the mind will find a way.  People just slip into a sort of hypnotic trance and expose themselves to the correct opportunities to make that program manifest in their lives (e.g., extreme sports, climbing Mt. Everest, etc)."

"There have been many experiements with a cold virus, for instance, in which one hundred volunteer subjects were exposed to very heavy doses of a cold virus.  Interestingly, not everyone ended up with a cold, just a certain percentage. In other words, if the power were in the virus itself rather than within unconsciousness, all one hundred would have gotten a cold because the virus is so potent. What happens is that maybe only sixty-five percent will get it because one-third of the subjects do not believe in it.  There is sufficient doubt within the mind, along with insufficient unconscious guilt.  It is not acceptable to the person to express it in that form, so nothing is universal."  David Hawkins

How very interesting to know that the mind is more powerful than the body, and that which is held in the mind is manifested in the body.  Deepak Chopra has been saying this as well.  Yet we continue to deal and focus on the body as the problem.

What I also love, is the mind that can be programmed, can then be unprogrammed, by programming it to know this.  

Also the body calibrates at 200, the mind at around 400...which is why it can overpower and control the body, but the Spirit is at 500, which can overpower the mind.

What I witnessed and fully grasped was the mind's powerfulness...and then the power of my Spirit, which is of no comparison.  

It was the awareness of the Spirit, of consciousness that could see the mind and its strength, even when it was fully enmeshed in the negative fields of guilt, shame and fear, and how it held my body and my life prisoner...

I had to cancel out so many beliefs of mind and intellect and reason and replace them with knows of Spirit.

What a process and what a brilliant intricate dance, where no one is of greater power or less than the next.  We are all held into place by the same system of calibrations and beliefs.

The epic struggle between, mind, body and Spirit.

Good Times Better.

Standing by his mailbox, with a toothless grin is an older man holding a white bag, held shut with a clothespin.  It is near zero, windy and he stands unaffected, his smile is bright.

"Fresh bread, still warm," he says..."sorry about the bag, but it is all I had."

I take the bag and feel the warm bread.  "Wow, thanks so much, this is awesome.  I will make soup to go with this tonight.  Thanks again," I say... as we trade mail he shyly smiles..."made it this morning, just took it out of the oven," he says.  "It is warm, I can tell,...thanks I say again, I appreciate it."  We smile and wave and off I drive. 

Homemade bread smells fill the car.  

I am struck by emotions of gratitude mixed in with other emotions and heaving sobs come shortly there after.  

I see his place, daily.  He gives when he has so little and with such wonderful pleasure.

It wasn't so much his generousity and kindness that caught me off guard, but the lack of comforts he endures with kindness.

My melencholy was fueled by the book I was listening to, "Iron House" By John Hart.  A book of fiction, but one about two brothers who were raised in an orphanage and how they both came away from that experience.  How one who was highly sensitive didn't fair so well, while the other honed skills that made him street tough to survive.  They endured awful things...and grew to do awful things.

My emotions and feelings tumbled into how many are not able to find themselves in a life like mine.  How often the abused go on to live lives empty and hard.

I cried for the ones who can't make it back to solid ground...who get left in a dark place unable to find the light or an easy way to live...little children following the path that abuse started them on.

The book, the man, the bread, my life, all rolling around stirring up emotions...of gratitude that I didn't left in the place where abuse lives...and real sorrow for those who did.

Or maybe sorrow for those abused...knowing our lives are changed and some of us just never can change ourselves back.

And such gratitude that I was one of the rare few...who can turn themselves back around.  It is weird to feel gratitude for self and sorrow for another....accept kindness and generosity coming from a place of hardship...it made the bread richer.  Which I guess is the same in life...the hard times make the good times better.