Had I not created my whole world, I certainly would have died in other people's. Anais Nin
I watched a video of a wedding, where the generations of old placed their hands upon the newly married to show the passing of Love.
The first thought was, how awesome is that.
The second was the realization that even if no hands are laid upon us; the imprint and pattern of our parent's relationships are handed down. Or perhaps we pick them up.
Their lives are replicated unless we actively work to do things differently.
What we do in our individual lives, affect the generation below us.
Certainly we can change the pattern, but it will require a ton of work.
My experience, is that in order to change the pattern of my mother, I had to walk away from her world.
She and I are doing life completely differently, in the things that really matter.
The love that is passed down is actually authenticity and truth of who we are beneath the roles we play. It isn't about the marriage; but the people individually within the marriage.
When I was breaking down my denial, my husband and I didn't know where our marriage would be in the end. I took our marriage and laid it on the living room floor. I told him, to let the marriage be and let us each work on our own self.
The person I was in denial and its blindness, was not going to be the person I would become. Our interactions with each other would now demand a deeper truth.
I would be required to be completely honest. Always.
More, I would only accept originality. False or pretending wasn't allowed.
Our old marriage, had me being less than honest.
Often my lies were lies of how I truly felt.
My yes could really be a No.
My truth was too terrifying to be included.
It had the power to leave me alone.
I can barely recall my old self and the one who went along to get along. Who silenced her true voice in order to 'feel safe'.
Imagine, being untruthful was more safe than being truthful.
It is what my elders shown me.
Truth was not to be present in order to have peace and love.
Is there any love where truth is not welcome?
More importantly, what is a marriage if a person cannot be truthful?
The marriage is only as strong as the least truthful person.
It doesn't matter if one is pure truth and the other is not. The lie is what defines that relationship.
What defines a great marriage is how much space is there to be completely yourself? How safe is the environment for you to be you?
My old self didn't have a clearly defined self. I morphed into whatever the other person needed; blurring who I was. I didn't know me. But, I knew what the other person needed me to be.
I then became a more rigid structured solid defined person.
Of course there were repercussions.
The old me went along and pleased others. My life was fitting into their lives without a ripple.
The new me wasn't so easily managed.
She bulked at things now.
She had boundaries and limits and ideas and feelings and was very eager to express them.
It was to be born again into Me.
To have Me in a marriage, instead of the pleasing person was completely terrifying.
It left the marriage alive and fluid and in the present.
You never know what I will do.
Nothing of the past truly followed me.
For, I wasn't there in my past.
The past was for everyone else's world. Not mine.
Now, my yes is a yes. And, my no is a no.
I still am learning about me.
Who I am becoming.
My hands upon my child will be hands of truth in knowing who you are...and being brave enough to always be that.
You be you.
May the road to being you be colorful, delightful, and empowered. My hands hold the courage to always be you.