IMPERFECT Lady

I fear being closed up.

"Anything we fear to lose - a home, a car, an attractive body, an agile mind, a deep belief - is a symbol of external power.  What we fear is an increase in our vulnerability.  This results in seeing power as external."  Gary Zukav, Seat of the Soul.

The sentence about fearing an increase in our vulnerability really struck me.  Somehow I believe all choices boil down to this sentence.

It isn't the actual change we fear, but the way it will open ourselves up to being vulnerable once again.  And the more you explore and peel back layers of your self, the more wide open you will feel.

I had to go and look up the definition of Vulnerable. 

"Susceptible to physical or emotional injury."  I was shocked to read that.  Are you not more susceptible to physical and emotional injury IN an Absive relationship, then if were out?

Yet, we fight or resist being vulnerable and in doing so you are more vulnerable while in those relationships, than working your way out.

Another meaning was, "Open to attack, damage, assailable, vulnerable to critism, exposed."

Again, it strikes me as not the meaning of vulnerable.  I thought vulnerable was to be wide open and soft.  Yet this meaning seems to be about opening yourself up for attack.

No wonder no one wants to be vulnerable.

I can see the two sides of vulnerablitiy.  However, just because you are wide open and exposed, it doesn't mean you will be attacked. To me, exploring the depths of abuse have made me wise to knowing what is abusive and what is not.

The definitions of abuse also seem to come into play as you are trying to leave dysfunction; attacking and critism of your new ways.

Very interesting to feel the wide scope of being Vulnerable.

I feel more vulnerable; open, free and exposed and feel that is my greatest strength.  I no longer feel being vulnerable.  I fear being closed up.

It Caught Me.

David Hawkins, "Healing and Recovery" writes about Catastrophes and Crisis.

"Acute catastrophes are the times when we make great leaps, when we face them directly and fixedly say, "I will not veer from this spiritual work."  Now we are really confronted with truly spiritual work.  It is not reading some pleasant-sounding phrases in a book or looking at some happy picture.  Instead, we are right in the thick of it, in the teeth of it.  The teeth of spiritual work occur when we are confronted with that which we cannot avoid.  It is the direct confrontation that requires a leap in consciousness."

"These are the golden opportunities that are priceless if we see them that way, if we are willing to be with them and say, "Okay."  The willingness to go with them, no matter how painful it may be, enables a giant leap in consciousness, a real advance in wisdom and knowledge, and awareness. That which we read about in books then becomes our own inner experience."

"There is something below the emotionality that is experiencing this energy out for a person.  It is literally being handled by something far greater than one's personal self.  If only the small personal self were present, one would be swamped and obliterated by the energy released during these experiences.  One survives the experience because there is something greater than the personal self that is more capable of handling them."

"The trick of the mind is to not see that.  It tries to change what goes on "out there", tries to figure it out, and then falls back on the intellect and finds that the intellect is not going to resolve this kind of problem. When we have dropped a big oak log on our foot and broken all the bones across the front of the foot, what is needed at that moment is our readiness and willingness to handle what life presents.  Having the tools and the willingness brings about very rapid healing."

"There is the awareness in acute overwhelm that we really can handle the experiences.  Part of the panic comes from the realization that what we think we are - our powerless, limited self - is no match for the power of this experience. That is precisely what is going on - the limited individual, personal self cannot handle the overwhelm. this is the precise spiritual value of it.  What do we really want to change about the experience?  We will see that what we want to do is change how we feel about it. What we can know is that the feelings will come and go.  The even is not going to bother us after the feeling state. All that we have to experience through is the acute upsurge and energy of the emotion. The events will take care of themselves."

The desire to change what occurred and how we feel about it have to be surrendered. The confrontation is there, and all we can do is say yes to experiencing it through, no matter what the nature is, such as a death of a loved one, divorce, separation, an acute emergency, or a catastrophic injury. All bring about a taste of shock that is the same, no matter what is the precipitating event.  The shock is the sudden realization of our powerlessness, the fact that the will has met a brick wall, that we are stoppable and have been stopped, and that the personal will cannot have its way."

Therefore, the shock and realization of all this is the same in all the experiences, along with the fact that it is unchangeable and permanent. That is the shock.  It is as though we come up full speed against a brick wall, and every time in life when we do this, it releases the same energy field."

"If you have been through more than one of these experiences in your life, you can look back and realize that this is so, and that each time the state of shock was the same.  The experience and sequence were the same.  There was the experience with the feeling of sudden numbness, the state of disbelief, and then the unleashing of all the negative feelings."

"When we look at the negative feelings precisely and at some of the experiences we have had, we realize that  we experienced all of this. We experienced the totality of that negative energy field. In the morning it would be present, and in the afternoon it would still be present.  In fact, within a minute's time, we fluctuated back and forth.  It is like a scintillating energy field in which the form of the emotionality is flickering from anger to resentment, to self-pity, to jealousy, to getting even, to revenge, to hate, to hating God, to hating oneself, to blaming the family and society, to blaming the government and laws.  The mind wildly races around in this negative energy field. We can see the diffuseness and formlessness of it. It is like a basketful of negative energy, and we only have to hand the basket, not all the little things that flicker around in it."

"We only have to handle the 'all' of it.  When we see that it is decompressing the 'all' of it, it moves us rapidly through it and out the other side. We see that it is an inescapable experience, and we must have the willingness to surrender to the work that has to be done now.  How can we tell when that work is finished?  When we suddenly come out into that inner state of peace."

"We know that years later people continue to have resentment and anger and are still caught in some aspect of that negative energy field because the events are not handled in the first place.  The person was unwilling to sit down and handle them until completed.  People are unwilling to do this because of the pain involved and because they do not know the techniques to use."

"Every time they go at it, they again start trying to change the events in the world and handle the thoughts.  The intellect and the mind try to figure it out, and the person runs into the same impasse. By not having an effective tool with which to handle events, the work remains incomplete."

"What happens with the incomplete work and the emotions that were not released? That which is left undone begins to express itself in emotional attitudes and in the body in the form of illness.  The unconscious guilt that was not let go of over the catastrophe that happened many years ago comes forth through the autonomic nervous system and the acupuncture energy system and connects with something from the mind.  The energy field of the intellect of thinkingness is in the 400s. The energy field of guilt, fear, or anger then couples with some belief system in the mind about a particular illness that results in a physical illness.  In psychoanalysis, it would be called psychosomatic, and in this case, the contribution of the psychological element is on the surface and quite visible. The end result of the unresolved emotional healing of a catastrophic experience is often an illness that may occur many years later. the grief that was left undone at the time of the death of some family member twenty years earlier, for example, may now express itself as a heart attack."

"A thing has been handled when we feel at peace and complete with it.  It no longer recurs or brings up pain when we think about it; we feel satisfied.  There may be regret about having to live through it, but somehow we come out on the other side of it as a different kind of person, and with that knowledge, there is a certain sense of peace that lets us know it has been handled now.  Catastrophic experiences are the seeds, the very essence, of the ultimate spiritual  experience.  Within it and following it to its very center core, totally walking off the cliff in complete abandonment, the full surrender to the experience is the very see and core of that which the spiritual seeker has been searching for all along."

"With many catastrophic situations in ordinary life, there is an incomplete resolution of the experience, along with a lack of awareness of the jewel-like qualities and opportunities within the events.  We are overwhelmed by the 'whatness' of them and look in the wrong direction. The mind also gets a secret payoff from the negative emotions (e.g., attention, self-pity, drama) plus indulgence and martyrdom, etc."

"Many times when drugs are introduced, altered states of consciousness occur, and the person is taken to the emergency room.  What could be a crucial spiritual discovery is covered over with a band-aid, and the family tries to distract the person from the spiritual work."

"The essential aspect of the spiritual benefit comes from running directly into the experience.  There is a saying in Zen to "Walk straight ahead, no matter what," so when this catastrophic experience comes, it is beneficial to center oneself right into the core of it, say "yes" to it and experience it through."

"There have been catastrophic experiences in my life where band-aids were available, and I refused to accept them because by then I had learned the value of experiencing them through. The band-aids really prevent the experiencing through of what might be called 'hitting bottom'.  The concept of hitting bottom, which is well known in handling many serious problems, such as alcoholism, means to let go completely."

"In an acute catastrophic situation, the mind tries to cling to that which is familiar.  It tries escapism, distractions, tranquilizers, drugs and alcohol, and various other ways of trying to ameliorate the situation rather than face it directly and work through it."

"The essence of a catastrophic situation is total surrender to the discovery of that which is greater than the personal self.  The experiencing through completely of the catastrophic brings us into a connection and realization that there is something within ourselves that has the power to sustain, no matter how catastrophic the experience appears to be.  As a result, we come out the other side of it as a greater person with the awareness that there is something within, that there is a Presence, a quality, or an aspect of life within that has the power to sustain us through the most seemingly impossible situations." 

"If the catastrophic experience is not worked through completely, there are certain residuals. It is like we have only halfway fallen off the cliff.  Some people think they walked off the cliff, but actually we find that they were secretly crossing their fingers and hanging onto some little outcropping or lifeline.  The abandonment to God was not really total, so a doubt remains, and out of that doubt is the residual of, for example, grief or fear of the experience.  If we do not experience something greater than the personal self, when going through the experience, we may end up with a limitation, a certain crippling, and inability to go beyond a certain point, and the willingness to participate becomes limited.  The person who says, "I would rather live a limited life than face that kind of experience again.  I would rather never love again than to love and lose."  The saying is, "'Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all." The experiencing of lovingness puts us in touch with our Self, that which is greater than our own limited, small self."

"The complete resolution brings us into conscious contact with something that is greater than the personal self. Many people who have tried to attest to the fact that when they surrendered the small self to something greater than themselves, they came into contact with that which they consider to be 'real'. That personal inner experience of spiritual reality takes one from book learning to a profound inner conviction.  Out of this inner conviction comes the willingness to re-enter life again, to participate in it, and to take the risks and chances."

"What is the inner experience of hitting bottom?  It comes out of the feelings of hopelessness and despair; the person's small self is saying, " I of my own self, cannot handle this."  The person surrenders out of the hopelessness, and from that comes the willingness to let go, the surrender to something greater than oneself.  At the very bottom, in the pits, one realizes and accepts the truth, "I, of myself, my own individual personal self, my own ego-self, am unable to hand this.  I am unable to resolve it."  It is out of this defeat that victory and success arise.  The phoenix rises out of the ashes of despair and hopelessness.  It is not the despair and the hopelessness that are of value, but the letting go and the realization of the limitation of the small self.  In the middle of the catastrophe, the person says, "I give up.  I cannot handle this," and then may consciously or unconsciously as God for help."

"Due to the law of free will and nature of consciousness being what it is, it is said that the great beings that are willing to help all of us are waiting for us to say "yes."  It is the sudden turning from the bottom of the barrel to the willingness to accept that there is something greater than ourselves that we can turn to. When the person asys, "If there is a God, I ask him to help me," then the great transformative experiences happen that have been recorded throughout history from the very beginning."  David Hawkins.

Wow.  I know it is long, and if you are still reading....what I can say is this is all true.  When I found myself in the middle of something far too big and I too small, did I then find a Self, I wasn't even aware of. A soul, a connection to God...or I found God.  It was in the midst of pure hopelessness and despair...when I took the free fall over the edge that It caught me.  

 

Photograph by Hannah Jukuri

Agree With the Line.

I finished listening to the Book "The Help" by Kathryn Stockett while I sewed yesterday afternoon.  

The CD describes it as such;

"Three ordinary women are about to take one extraordinary step...

In 1962 Jackson Mississippi, two African American maids and one white Junior League socialite- seemingly as different from one another as can be, will nonetheless come together for a clandestine project that will put them all at risk. And why?  Because they are suffocating within the lines that define their town and their times. And sometimes lines are made to be crossed."

"In pitch-perfect voices, Kathryn Stockett creates three memorable women whose determination to start a movement of their own forever changes a town, and the way women - mother's, daughters, caregivers, friends - view one another.  A deeply moving novel filled with poignancy, humor and hope.  "The Help" is a timeless universal story about the lines we abide by and the ones we don't."

I had read this book, watched the movie and then listened to it...all three times I was drawn to the courage it takes to step over the line.

Stepping over the line, isn't done lightly or without great personal risks and consequences, and yet if someone doesn't take a chance, speak out and dare show the wrongness, change doesn't happen.

Towards the end, the white character muses..."I may not have changed their minds... But at least I no longer agree with them." Speaking about her socialite friends.

She had broken out of a system that had been put into place long before her birth, one she had grown up in...and dared to explore and see it from all angles.  Willing to see the wrongness of her people...

It came with a personal cost, she lost friends and love, but gained personal strength and courage.

I totally understand her dilemma...of stepping over the line, knowing you are stepping out of the life you have...into the unknown.

Stepping over the line is what has allowed us as a species to evolve...if we all stayed behind the line, no change would occur.

Once one takes a step, another will follow.

The lines are drawn often with the mindset or understanding at the time, and progress happens when someone dares to argue with the line.

I see one very entrenched line that is holding its ground and only a few dare to step over it and walk away...and that is the parental line.

When you cross this line, your life will change.

Most parents do not want their lines crossed...especially abusive parents.

The treatment of the children in these homes is similar to the African Americans...for they are not allowed to have a voice, to speak about how the treatment feels on their end.  They are to serve the family in silence, bowing down to the heads of the households...a second class member...They are lower down on the totem pole, only those up higher can have their say, speak their minds and share how it feels...and enforce it.  Disregarding your vote without an election.

This is the way of it, the line is not to be crossed...it stays firm until their death.  Their feelings are to be considered at all times...and perhaps even posthumously.

At no point is a child to go against what the parent feels, thinks and believes, or they will be crossing the line...and stepping out of the family.

I would love to see a revolution within abusive homes.  Of voiceless, choice-less children walking free.  Marching for the right to stand up. Shedding the cloak of secrecy that keeps their parents reputations clean in the social world...while the child remains in the silent darkness of abuse.  A flipping of the tables...

Fear is what keeps most from stepping up to the line.

The fear is as palpital as the ones the maids had. They had lived in fear of the white folks for so long, it never crossed their minds to speak up, even anonymously.

Some may say, they 'respect' their parents too much to speak out...but respect doesn't keep you silent, fear does.

Fear of stepping over this invisible line that has been there since you were little.  Fear keeps you on your side of the line...as it always has. 

In life, there are always lines...and you will define yourself by the ones you abide by and the ones you don't.

You have to wonder about lines and who they serve and why.

And depending upon which side of the line you are, that line will represent two drastically different views.

Look at the line of silence in abuse...see clearly how it divides and makes one a victim.  One of lesser value...and one more powerful.

Abiding the line, you are agreeing with the imbalance.

What I too truly love, is that I may not be able to change your mind, but I love that I no longer have to agree with the line.

 

 

 

 

The Images in our Minds

"It is because of awareness that we know what is going on in consciousness.  It is because of consciousness that we know what is going on in mind.  Because of mind, we are aware of what is going with sensations. Because of sensations, we are aware of what is going on with the body.  Consequently, that which we are - that which is aware, that which we really mean by the ultimate "I" and the infinite Self, and that which is conscious - is operationally many levels removed from the body.  The interesting thing is that the body expresses and does what the minds holds.  One is subjected to what the mind believes.  In other words, the body, being like a puppet, is controlled by the mind, both consciously and unconsciously.  Few people realize he power of mind over body."  David Hawkins, Healing and Recovery.

What amazes me continually, is the fact that so many people live lives unquestioning and firmly NOT wanting to know, to look at what was put in their minds and how?  Many are very content following blindly (unconscious) never daring to not follow meekly and without question. 

 I am not sure what brings or strengthens a person's awareness, but without awareness, your life gets left at the same level you were raised in.

It seems awareness is the ability to question and research your past.

And you know, the ones with the most to hide, research the least, question nothing and blindly face the future, never wanting to know, know, know what really went on.  Who did what to whom and how did it affect them.

Parents who abused their children, are the ones firmly intent on letting the past go....letting their sins fade away.  They are the ones who fear questions of the past and fear awareness of what went on...and even worse, face the responsibility of their actions and how it then affected the young and impressionable who lived with them.

Instead of looking deeply within themselves and their past, they focus intently on the future, like running away...yet they can't.

Their past rides with them in the lives of their children.  The abuse program virus runs on.

By not looking, you don't escape.  In fact, it is what keeps your mind in control, your failure to bring in awareness, allows the past to keep re-creating itself. 

If you were born into a family of abuse and don't want to research it, you will then run on the same program set into place.  

Somehow the vast majority of society believes that by not focusing on what happened, you will be set free...that you can live  your life forward, without exploring what was put into you.

It is like you are running a software program to which you don't want to know its content.  Or, you want to believe you are running a wonderful program called loving kindness, when in fact it is one based on fear and abuse.

There is no way in hell you can live in a home of abuse and come out with a program called love and caring.  NONE.  

And unless you un-program what was given to you, what you soaked up living in that space, you will live your life with that program leading the charge.

Running from the source of how you were programmed will not change the program.

You literally are a software program and will have to change this program while its running in your mind.  Sorting through each untrue thought and switch it around.

For what I am most certain of is that the child of abuse, in order to survive, changes the labels of emotions or doesn't record them at all.

It makes a software program that doesn't record truth and reality.

This illusions software is what it lives with. These are the glasses in which it sees the world. These are the backwards thoughts that live in its head.  The flipped upside down viewpoint of all things.

We create this fake software in order to survive and it gets left running, unless we become aware of its wrongness.

You can change locations, stop going to church, you can change clothes and houses, but the software continues to beat out its madness.  You can't change it by changing location.  You can only change it from the inside out.

You have to see what is programmed and cancel it out.

And those who will not see abuse, can't cancel it out. The abuse software then run their lives...it lives within them, it can't be out run...the virus isn't on the outside, it is in your head.

Abuse isn't something out there. Abuse is living with a software program that is the opposite of reality.

Imagine if you will, if children didn't depend upon their parents in order to survive, do you believe that they would simply allow themselves to be beaten, raped and fondled and be okay with it???

We have to change the program inside for we can't change the outside. We are forced to live in an alternate universe and get lost there.

We lose our way back to reality...

Running away physically will not correct this program.  It is like changing the screen the projector is shining upon.  There is nothing wrong with the screen, but the projector is playing a movie called illusion.

We say the opposite of what we feel....a film about what isn't our truth.

In my experience, truth re-programed me.  

What a parent who is abusing their child fears the most, is that we won't stay programmed, that we will awaken and become aware...that we will truly see and begin to untangle the mess...

For when we do, our world flips and so do the images in our minds.

(Photograph by Hannah Jukuri)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Your children are sure to follow.

"The Body Never Lies," by Alice Miller.

‎"Children cannot escape their own parents, so they cannot afford to see through them either. Blindness makes it possible to survive. This is the way the abuse of children has functioned since time immemorial. BLINDNESS AND FORGIVENESS ARE ESSENTIAL TO SURVIVAL. But at the same time they lead to repletion and they perpetuate cycles of cruelty."

"To break through this vicious circle we need to understand that so-called love cannot survive abuse, deception, and exploitation without seeking new victims. And if it requires new victims, it is no longer love but at best the longing for love. Only UNFLINCHING REALIZATIONS OF ONE'S OWN PAST REALITY, OF WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED CAN BREAK THROUGH THE CHAIN OF ABUSE. IF I KNOW AND CAN FEEL WHAT MY PARENTS DID TO ME WHEN I WAS TOTALLY DEFENSELESS, I NO LONGER NEED VICTIMS TO BEFOG MY AWARENESS. I no longer need to re-enact what happened to me and take it out on innocent people because now I know what happened. And if I want to live my life consciously, without exploiting others, then I must actively accept that knowledge." Alice

What seems so clear, yet is so hard to wrap your brain around, is that a defenseless child is left without escape and in order to survive turns itself blind to what the parent is doing.  You mind will not allow you to SEE your parents.  Not 'remembering' what happened, allows you to live in a fanatasy. And in this so called, 'loving home' you then begin to grow and develop awkwardly.

You set into place the opposite screen to what is.

Love is abusive.

Caring is neglectful.

Your 'truth' is backwards...you become authentically dysfunctional and can't even see it.

It is my belief, that we then hurt our children in order to keep 'love' alive.  Love means there must be a victim and a perpetrator.

The fog of not seeing who my parents were, also swirled and darkened my access to emotions that were what they truly were.

Meaning, I didn't have access to moving away from fear, and even more tragically, I didn't have emotions of warmth and kindness that moved me towards goodness.

Not having access to warmth and kindness, kept me pushed back on the inside, not feeling drawn to children inside.

My insides were all wrong.  

My arms could wrap around them...but not my heart.

My heart was used for clinging to abuse....so oddly it is, if you could see your children as hurtful, unkind, etc, then they could be loved.

Not sure if you all can follow this, but it makes bitter sense to me.

What gratitude I have for the fog lifting 7 years ago...and to see in harsh reality my parents and what they did to defenseless children unable to escape; I then was able to walk right-side up.

Walking and pushing back from abuse and things that hurt me...allowed me to feel warmth toward my children...to feel their innocence and my deranged mind.

For all the mothers out there who have doubts and glimpses of their childhood terrors, and are unable to see straight through to what their mother did...You will enact her emotional pattern.

You will love what hurts...and be pushed back and away from kindness, love, peace and joy.  You will shut out the Light side of life, while stoking the fires of hell...and not even know it, for the blindness of surviving your childhood blocks you from seeing.

Growing up means taking down the survival glasses and facing the reality of your childhood, feeling and seeing the defenselessness of being you in their home.

The blocking out abuse lenses are also blocking you from seeing your innocence.  

If you can't see you as an innocent child, your children will never wear that banner...

It all falls down to pick one.

You or your parents are innocent or to blame, for the childhood abuse.

Depending upon what path you take; your children are sure to follow.

Baton-Less!

I thought about innocence yesterday and what it is, how is it experienced and do I truly know it.

This morning it came to me that I was picking up pieces of innocence as I walked searching for truth, and that perhaps truth is innocence, for without truth can there be innocence?  And is it possible to have experienced so much that isn't innocent and still be innocent or be able to return to the land of innocence?

I had looked up the meaning of innocence and one definition said, "freedom from guilt or sin through being unacquainted with evil - blamelessness.  I like this one.

Being free of guilt...

I thought perhaps it was impossible to get back a state of innocence, that once you fell out of that pureness, it would be impossible to wipe yourself clean again.

Innocence dies when you feel blamed.  Innocence dies when you become acquainted with evil... And it returns when the blame lies outside of you.

If everyone would look upward, toward their parents, victims would dry up...innocence would bloom...like a chain reaction of love flowing backwards through generations; innocence would flourish.

Seeing the flow of guilt and how it poured downward into small children, you can see the cause...how it forms and why.

Alice Miller is correct, that the fourth commandment has really messed with our heads and psyches, by bringing blame into our selves out of fear of blaming our parents.

Innocence is being able to stand up and face the truth of what is...not carrying the blame, shame and guilt that isn't mine to carry.  I didn't start this trickle down affect, but I do carry my responsibility to stop it from flowing down into my children.

If I blame my children for 'making me mad' or 'losing control', I am passing the baton of guilt to my child.  If she reaches for the baton, she will lose her innocence.  Taking the blame for something you didn't start is to lose your innocence.

Taking back your innocence is to hand back the blame.

A relay going backwards, is the only way we can heal ourselves from abuse...

The weight of carrying the wrong baton is where all the issues lie.  

I remember in the early days of my mental breakdown, the days of discovering that all I thought I knew, I knew nothing....I recall feeling that this mess was much to big for me AND that I can't fix what I didn't create.  

It took me out of the lives of my parents and siblings and into my own.  My own was a big enough mess and I carried only that.

I handed the batons of guilt and responsibility back to my parents.

I handed the batons of guilt and responsibility back to my siblings.

And only sat with what I was responsible for.  

In the past, in the present or in my future.  Holding that damn baton in order to keep my parents guilt free, had done nothing to clean them up, but in fact dirtied me.

I see sins being forgiven the same way.  "Here hold my guilt for me...carry the burdens of my bad choices!"

Quitting the relay team of guilt has set me free...I carry only me.

I take responsibility for what I do, what I say and how I act.

My children don't have to carry any part of me.

I am a self contained container...a free me.

Innocence is being free to be me...baton-less!

Photograph by Hannah Jukuri....

 

One Verse of Me.

I had an overwhelming feeling of being lost, of searching for myself, but not knowing who I was or how I would find me.

What I was describing very accurately is my innocent me.

That was who I set off to find...how I had gotten so far off the path of me...and who would I be, minus all the stuff?

Letting go of the old me, and turning my back on all of the folks who created her, was very scary...for I had nothing of myself when I left.

I was a stranger to myself going out to find a self, who I didn't know at all.

I didn't know how this journey would end, what would I find as I resurrected my truth...

I stood horrified of the lies I had built myself upon...and couldn't pretend to pretend to pretend I was her...and a new self wasn't born, so I was left in a space a vacuum of time...nothing to hold myself in.

A stranger to the truth...and a nonbeliever of the lies.

Where I used to be strong and confident in the false life, I now lay weak in disbelief.

I don't know where the courage came to even wiggle a finger, let alone set out and dig up my past and re-contextualize each thing to set it up within the frame work of truth.  And to do so while living life.

Living life as a nobody.  Just a truth correction lady.  Letting my self definition go, while I fixed all my wrong beliefs and thoughts.

It was like my life to this point was written in fiction and I had to go back and make it nonfiction.  I was the main character and the author...re-writing my past while living in my present...changing the essence of the main character, me.

Here I am writing my life story, while living it out; changing the main character from dysfunctional to functional...from false and fiction to truth and reality...

What an intriguing position.  Writing how I found me, while researching how I lost me...while lost to who I really am.

Unaware, to aware...but lost....to knowing how I got lost.

I found myself where I got lost.

Innocent.  

When I left my innocence, I lost me...I walked away, or ran in fear and terror...or was exploited.

While I can burst with gratitude for finding myself and my innocence, I too have to feel the agony of the sheer magnitude that conspired to lead me from me.

The forces that pulled me away...and I felt the literal forces working to drag me back as worked on going back to me.

My cells and DNA screamed as I worked to return to my natural state of being, they were addicted to the false lies and false adoration and attention...I had to turn on myself, turn on my family, turn away from all I knew, in order to recalibrate myself.

Going from Falsehood to Truth. 

Innocence is being at one with the truth....one verse of me.

This photo was taken of me and my sister friend, Kirsten in the summer of 2008.  I love the joy, the love and peace....me on my journey back to me...I have found wonderful souls to walk with me and cheer me on.  I love that you held me up when I had nothing inside of me.  Thanks seems so small for such a huge task, but thank you to all who walked with me as I sought to find myself while lost.

 

 

Who Believed the Worst About Herself.

In the aftermath of reading David Hawkins, I am left with an even greater understanding or perhaps an explanation of my journey, how I arrived, what happened that covered my eyes and spirit; my innocence.

I almost felt that I was responsible for being so irresponsible, that I had somehow fallen asleep carelessly or that perhaps I didn't care enough to save myself or was kind enough to save my sisters or any other girl who was abused after me.

There was a part of me, a pretty large part that felt I was responsible for being so irresponsible...and that irresponsibility is my nature, my soul's fingerprint, the DNA of who I am.  

Another huge chunk also enjoyed the haughty elitism of the FALC; the one right pathway to Heaven.  That I didn't mind all the other poor souls going to hell...I was heartless to the core...Self Rightiously superior and self absorbed.

When my 'truths' of my first forty-six years revealed themselves to be false, I began the digging process to uncover how I had gotten so blind, backwards and confused, and who was the real me underneath it all?

It feels like I am paleontologist of my own life, where I am trying to get to the fossil of who I am...to see me in my natural state.

While it takes courage to be willing to want to know the truth, to search for answers to your irresponsibility, to go into your coldness, your blindness to evil within as well as out; like researching a monster called Self.

Being a detective in your own life...your dysfunctional life.  

Taking apart your mental mind, re-creating the pathways of beliefs that led you to act like a robot...with a mind completely closed down and emotions and feelings buried deep.  A great student of hatred in order to feel good.  

What I recall of the First Apostolic Lutheran Church, is that they spoke of nonbelievers as being the devil, along with items they called sins; how they will slowly take away your 'faith' little by little.  When in actuality, they (preachers) were taking away our innocence bit by bit.

Each time we believed in the sermon about nonbelievers being bad, we were taught to hate them.  Each time we relinquished our rights to our body, the preachers/church won another part of our lives.

Its subtle and not so subtle messages slowly turned us into hating not only others but our own flesh and blood...and the weakness of self against them.

How it would be impossible to resist the devil, so best not to dance the first step.

Innocence and strength of spirit was not preached...but wretchedness and our inherent weakness poured into us. 

I recall spending my first night at a non-relative nonbeliever's home...I was in grade school.  They had a TV, the parents drank beer, and I was afraid to go to sleep.  I was terrified, like sleeping in the devils home.  Fear of them...and fear of the pull and not being able to resist.  I remember we slept on the floor in the livingroom, and she fell asleep with the TV on...and I was mesmerized watching it, while knowing it was wrong, but couldn't stop.  I felt how 'evil' was stronger than I.

The little innocent child self, curious and in wonderment, wanted to see TV, knowing it was wrong...did so and then was terrified I would die with this sin in me and go directly to hell.  Stuck in a home of nonbelievers.  A weak child against the demons.

Looking upon this from the perspective of the program they were putting in place sickens me.  Not so much the program which is so filled with elitism, but the fact that the innocent child gulps this up without question. 

Eroding its sense of pureness. Imagine by grade school, I was already gone.  

Now add onto this being abused by my father.  I am weak and wretched once again.  

And now my mother's opinion of me comes in.  Once again, no one sees my innocence.  It must be true.

Three very influential factions in my little world all see me as no longer innocent.

There is no way I can't turn on myself and see me as they see me.  

See my body as they see my body.

And if I was of stronger 'faith' or a stronger little girl, I could have saved my innocence....I believed.  I was the one who was weak and couldn't save myself.  Because I couldn't I was responsible for being irresponsible.

I didn't pull apart the string so deeply to see the intricate pieces of how all my innocence was lost.  

If the church still held me innocent, while I had lost it with my father, I would have then been half innocent; half good.  But, there was no one in my little life that seen me as a very innocent child whose consciousness is not devious.

What a big burden for a child to carry, the lack of innocence and good.

No matter how much I tried to do good, It was never enough to erase the DNA of being guilty for losing my innocence...hating my weakness against evil.  I lost and it won, always.

To see myself and to know myself and to feel myself as being innocent/good/a joyful Spirit was taken from me...replaced with feelings of guilt, shame and weakness. 

It is like the church/dysfunctional parent rips apart all that is natural, and of spirit; peace, love and joy...transforming the child of innocence, to reflect instead, that of the devil and hatred and fear.

What chance does the child have?  

No wonder I felt weak and powerless, I was.  I was weak in discernment, weak in not standing up against adults.  I was weak in not questioning...I was weak and unable to fight those who were determined to have my innocence.

Yet I berated myself and my weakness...and grew into a girl wise beyond her years.  An old person in a young life.  I tried to control what was out of my control....and felt guilty when I couldn't.

I knew I lost my innocence. I knew I was weak.  What I didn't know was that the strong people in my life preyed upon this.  That there was no way in hell I could have stopped this.  

Not the rape of my body nor the rape of my innocent mind by the church...nor could I have convinced my mother.  For her love of both of them left me with no one to turn to.

As Dr. Maya Angelou says, "Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives."

What I failed to appreciate are a few things;

The strength of the adults and the natural inherent trust of the child and its inability to discern makes it the weaker of the two.  It isn't that I was irresponsible, I was naturally over taken.  

I didn't fight this larger system.  Which leads to another quote by Dr. Maya Angelou "...surrender in its place was as honorable as resistance, especially if one had no choice."

I now can honor my lack of resistance, for I had no choice.

It wasn't weakness...I surrendered in order to survive.

I can vividly see, feel and know the weakness wasn't weakness, but the truth of being a child...it is inherently weak against an adult.

It isn't a personal character flaw, a carelessness or calculated callousness; I was naturally being a child.

I could weep for the natural little girl...who believed the worst about herself.

 

Photograph, by Hannah Jukuri

 

 

 

He Only Recognizes the Hardware

David Hawkins writes about innocence...from "Healing and Recovery" and perhaps this is the whole journey of life...healing and recovering your innocence.

"To safely do spiritual work and avoid crises, it is necessary to reaffirm, look within, and discover one's own innocence.  It really is not safe to do spiritual work unless one has a glimpse of that innate naive innocence and keeps one eye on it at all times, because that innocence is the gateway back to the Truth so one does not get lost in the swamp."

"How do we see that innocence and know its presence?  We know that enlightened beings say that all are one with God, and consequently, that which is intrinsically innocent is within us at all times.  The knowingness can occur as a matter of revelation or understanding."

"It we look at the consciousness of the child, we see the child's innocence. Everyone agrees on the innocence of the child whose consciousness is not devious.  It hasn't learned to lie; it hasn't learned the values of judgment and criticism.  The child is openly trusting and innocent, and out of this innocence and trustingness, paradoxically, it begins to learn that which is not the truth.  He or she hears the parents say, "We don't play with certain children because they are the wrong race, creed, or color; they belong to the wrong religion," and so hatred is taught to the child.  In order for the child to be loyal to the family to honor and love its mother and father, the child has to adopt that teaching."

"As a result, the innocence of the child is exploited by that which is not the truth, and that which is not the truth innocently comes through generation after generation, via the parents, grandparents, other family members, friends, teachers, television, storybooks, and novels.  So that which is intrinsically innocent now begins to take unto itself programs and beliefs that are not the truth."

"We can compare the consciousness of the child to the hardware of the computer, and the programming coming in from the social consciousness of the world itself is the software.  We see that the computer, the hardware, which is intrinsically innocent, is uncontaminated by the software.  You can run any kind of ignorance of negativity or falsehood through a computer, and the computer itself is uncontaminated.  You put in the next CD, and the computer's capacity is unimpaired."

"Likewise, that intrinsic innocence within consciousness itself is unimpaired, and that intrinsic innocence is reading these words right now.  It is the intrinsic innocence of one's consciousness that is listening and reading, trying to find the truth, trying to tune itself in to what is real."

"That childlike innocence is unchanged throughout one's entire life; it never leaves."

"When looking at what the world calls ego, or what spiritual work calls ego, instead of condemning it, we can see, out of innocence, that is what we believed at the time.  What we did was appropriate if that software program had been correct.  Therefore, we do not ever really make a 'mistake' in our spiritual work.  Everything is on purpose once we set our intention to achieve an understanding of the truth and be open to Grace so that the truth may be revealed in whatever way we wish to hold in mind, in whatever expression is most appropriate.  It is important to remember that we have asked for all that is in error (i.e.,ignorance) to be brought up for recognition. It is all right to do that if we realize our innate innocence at the same time."

"We again ask, The innocence of what?  It is the innocence not of us as a person but the innocence of consciousness itself because, as a person, we are merely reflecting that which is universal as consciousness itself.  What has gone on has happened as a result of the nature of consciousness; therefore, there is no point going into personal self-condemnation about it nor, on the opposite side of the coin, going into personal pride about it."

"Discovering the nature of consciousness itself and looking into the nature of consciousness in our own introspection reveals that everything we have believed in during our whole life has happened out of innocence.  Compassion and understanding develop and because of that compassion, we can now see that through our own innocence, we have come to believe what we believe.  The willingness to forgive then allows us to see into the hearts of others.  Out of our own compassion, we can see the innocence of the child over and over.  No matter what the age of the body, the consciousness has remained unchanged.  We can still hear the heart of the child within the adult saying "won't," "don't" and so forth; it is the innocence of the child still speaking.  We need to keep an eye on that to prevent spiritual crises.  It heals conflicts as they arise."

"The reaffirmation of our innocence consists of never buying that anything is 'just' ego; there is no such thing as 'just' ego.  Ego, the software, social consciousness, and the programming have been superimposed on that which is not ego but on truth itself and consciousness itself."

"All spiritual crises come from context, meaning, and the way in which a thing is held.  If we think our diet is an unspiritual diet, or our lifestyle or what we do for a living are unspiritual, they are merely reflecting a certain level of consciousness."

"Those who have reached very high levels of consciousness condemn nothing. They will affirm, however, that certain levels of consciousness will have consequences, and that a certain lifestyle, one of selling out the truth, about one's self, will bring inner pain and grievance.  It is left up to the individual to continue the process, and there is no attempt to control anyone."

"Certain behaviors or self-condemnation will activate energy fields that will be experienced as painful.  Again, it is left to the individual to continue or not.  However, it is then not seen as a threat but as merely a fact of human consciousness that inner agony can become greater than what it is already is if one violates certain principles.  The teaching still holds up that it can be a very high teaching even thought it may warn us that very agonizing painful states of consciousness can come about as a result of certain behaviors."

"All the experience within human consciousness, including all spiritual work, represents a position, a way of being with, and a way of holding what we are always talking about.  Even though we think we are talking about the external world, it is really an inner position as a consequence of a certain level of consciousness, of how we choose to be with something, and the pains and agonies that come about as a result of our clinging onto putting our survival on something that is not the truth.  Pain tells us that we have put our survival onto something that is a violation of some principle of consciousness.  That is really what spiritual work is about."

"The progressive pain of these positions tells us that they are far from the truth not what that they are 'wrong'.  As we get closer to  the experience of the Presence of God, the inner experience is one of increasing joy and happiness.  As we get further from it, it tells us that we are far removed from the truth. Therefore, it is not a 'make wrong'.  It is not a right or wrong, it is just that it is painful and does not work."

"The Buddha said that all pain and suffering are based on attachment and desire. "  David Hawkings, 

If you look at your journey as going from hot to cold, cold meaning away from truth and hot meaning walking with it, you will see life without the right and wrong doing, but instead like a graph or scale. 

And your life will be dramatically affected by the closeness to the truth or by how far away you are from it.

What I know for certain it is harder to find the truth, if the truth was not taught to you.  In fact to find the truth, you have to first discover what was taught that wasn't the truth...and to fully understand the malleability of our innocence.

It is because we were so innocent, so trusting and our survival depended upon the adults in our worlds, that we slurped up their softwear program.

I can visualize people now by where they are on the sliding scale of truth vs not truth...and the softwear they speak from can give you great insights to if they are hot or cold.  And actually, their lives will clearly display how deeply buried is their innocence.

Discovering our innocence is the Spiritual Journey; we will then see what God sees.  He only recognizes the hardware...

 

 

 

A loving God there.

"In the beginning of the research, we were naive.  We assumed that anything labeled as 'spiritual' must be of the highest truth, valid, and something that could be corroborated through one's inner experience. We found that this is not necessarily the case, and what is labeled a spiritual teaching might range anywhere over the Map of Consciousness, all the way from the bottom of the Map, where the teaching was written by those who teach hate as the way to truth, up to those who are most infinitely loving.  We found that many of the books were of a negative energy field, meaning that one would end up in a worse condition from getting involved in that particular field of learning and would move further away from the truth than before reading it.  Almost half the books in a typical spiritual bookstore are actually fiction."

"As a result we had to look at the value of the research itself.  In looking at the field of spiritual research, we found there are no real guidelines for the person approaching spiritual work for the first time or going back into it later in life with a renewed interest.  Each approach claimed that it represented the truth, so the self-claims were no indication of validity.  We also found that the number of followers and the glamour of riches the teacher of a certain pathway had no correlation with its validity - the number of followers meant nothing, and best sellers were frequently purely fictional."

"A purported teacher could have a great many followers, and yet we discovered that the energy field was in a negative direction, with calibrations being very low.  As we got closer to the truth of the great enlightened beings that were acknowledged by all of mankind, the energies always moved upward in a positive direction.  The calibrations were always over 600 and on up into the 700's.  Therefore, we see how the great teachers -those called avatars - who were on the planet for only a short period of earthly time, changed the face of the world and the belief systems of mankind, breaking new ground and creating a whole new context and set of values because the power and energy of their words were of a such high caliber."

"That which is truthful carries greater power and calibrates at a higher number.  It is a higher frequency, and in physics, the higher the frequency, the greater the power.  Electrical power, for example, is not transmitted across the countryside at 120 volts; it is transmitted at 30,000 volts or higher. The higher the frequency the greater the power. This is why the words of the great teachers have transformed mankind for thousands of years.  Their words are still active and powerful and continue to transform the consciousness of mankind thousands of years later, even though their bodies have left the plant.  When we calibrate the energy fields of their work, we see that they are of enormous power, so it is not just what is said, it is the power of the being who says it."

"It has been discovered that, historically, there has really been no safe context or orientation available for people approaching this field, so the way to avoid spiritual crises and the need for spiritual first aid in the future is to back up a bit and do some individual research. The first question to ask about any teaching is, "What is the level of the teaching?" This is helpful because the child within continues to be naive and innocent.  The innocence, on the other hand, is twhat leads to error because the innocent mind of the child has no means of discernment.  It needs some way to determine what is going to be beneficial."

"it is obvious that if one is involved in a teaching that as an energy field below 200, one will have negative experiences. In contrast, a teaching that has a positive energy field and calibrates at a high level is going to lead into a lovingness, which is the best insurance against spiritual catastrophe.  One can ask if the teaching, teacher of the teaching, or the books of the teaching are reflecting a high level.  This is not to say it is right or wrong; it is just beneficial to determine its level."

"If a teaching is below 200, at Hatred, for example, it will say that God hates you, your behavior, your impulses and your humanness.  Thus, this is a God of Hatred, and the energy field is negative, calibrating even as low as 20, 30, or 40.  At that level is hatred, the killing of others and suicide.  Thee is a God of death rather than of life.  Self-hatred and an inner feeling of being destroyed come from this teaching.  If one wishes to follow such a pathway, at least one is going with their eyes open (e.g. terrorism)."

"There are teachings of existentialism that focus on man's hopelessness. They are based upon worshipping the past in which there is a great deal of grief and self-pity toward what has befallen this group of people.  There are teachings and teachers who express and exploit the energy field called Fear, in which case the person experiences a fear of God as a punitive God. The energy field is in a negative direction and continues to engender fear."

"All these negative fields have proponents who sound convincing. They are like politicians in the religious or spiritual world and very adept at their convincingness."

"As we move up into Anger, we see those positions that promote anger, conflict, hatred, and religious wars because they are competitive and usually champion a politicized god of retaliation. Because it is a polarized position, it is always viewed that God will punish the nonbelievers, which is usually one of the traditional teachings.  It is important to know where this calibrates on the scale so we can see how it correlates with things that are truthful." David Hawkins, "Healing and Recovery".

What I find so discerning is that the word or subject of God and Spirituality can be used and manipulated by fear and the "innocent child" goes along believing.

The FALC, due to its belief that the nonbelievers will be punished, leaves its teachings at the level of Anger.  Stunning in its horror as a child of that church.

He goes on to say, " How can we heal what comes up in our lives unless we hold a healing position?  It is obvious how critically important it is to know the energy field of a given teaching.  If it requires forgiveness, the teachings of the Christ is based on forgiveness.  If it requires compassion and understanding, then the teaching will have to be at calibration level 500 and over because healing begins at 540. That which the world call sin is obvious something that requires healing, does it not?  Then a healing that is at least at the level of 540 is needed."

"To ask people to bring up something from within into a negative energy field is to bring about upset; therefore it is unsafe to go into any spiritual teaching whatsoever that suggests introspection, soul searching, and purification unless that energy field of that teaching or pathway is positive and at 540 or higher.  It is evident how dangeous a lower-level teaching could be - it would be like putting oneself on the operating table and letting one's abdomen be opened by a surgeon who does not have the skill to handle what he is going to discover when he does so. We don't allow a second-year medical student to open abdomens on the operating table.  Instead, it is done by someone who has the power. These energy fields have power.  It requires a great deal of power and knowledge to open up someone's insides and investigate them."

"We don't advise introspection in the beginnings of the inner process of purification until it is determined tht the teacher, teaching, and those around a person are in the energy field of at least 540, a field that is nurturing, supportive, and forgiving and has the purpose of healing through understanding and true compassion.  The God of that kind of energy field would therefore be a God who loves us because healing only occurs through loving, and His love would be unconditional."  David

All I can say is wow.  Trusting in someone to help nurture you with anger is an impossible feat.  

Not only the teachings of the FALC, are preached from the level of anger, but what of the ministers themselves?  

There is no way a child in that religion WHO has been abused as a chance in hell of recovering while in that system.  None.  To operate on their soul while anger curses through their veins and cells.  

What a huge affirmation this is for me and why I was so repelled and flung back from this system...It would be impossible to find a loving God there.