How do you know when to stop? When is it time? What inside of us says ok that is enough? Somehow we continue to do things over and over and over, until.
Who decides the Until, when to say when, when enough is enough?
What changes inside? The saying, “the straw that broke the camels back” or “that was the last straw” means there is a point where we are incapable of going further. Is there a line that we will not cross and we are unaware of it until it happens?
The endurance of the body and mind to continue in a pattern over and over and over again, and its capacity to hold more than it seems possible to hold, is remarkable.
It is so intriguing to me that out of the clear blue or so it seems it stops and simply says, “no more I am full!”
I wonder if like our belly signal of being full, can this button get out of whack and we pile stuff in long after the full signal is given, like a faulty switch.
We then ‘overeat’ years of abuse by failing to say I am full, I can fit no more in, but yet something gives.
We are overeating things that are not good for us. Like getting used to eating foods that carry no nutritional value, we are used to people with no self-love value.
Our lives become accustomed to craving the antics and the behaviors that carry nothing for our self worth, our self love, nothing that we can use to empower ourselves, instead it continues to whittle away at the person inside, until it seems the self disappears.
The self disappears inside, but oddly enough it pops up outside in a million different places and people. Our sense of self is now contingent on others good opinion, for we lost our self inside.
How surprising it is that abuse diminishes the person inside, but it grows mighty large outside.
We will find it in everyone we meet, in all the things we own and the ones we don’t own yet, our self seems to be illusive and everywhere, unmanageable at best, relentless and demanding, forever one step ahead of us, we are now seekers of self chasing it outside, for we must have given our self away.
Given our self away not once but a million times, until we are shattered and scattered into a million pieces.
How then do you get your self back inside? How do you now go back and retrieve all that you gave away?
How do you start to little by little, piece by piece, a tiny section here and teeny section there, bring it all back in?
In Dysfunction the sense of self is obese and no one even knows it. It is large and covers areas beyond what the mind can hold.
The dysfunctional sense of self is outside of us and it is in anything and anybody who walks by. We feel owned by the world, owned by others, and our own sense of self is nowhere to be found.
Without another person standing in front of us, we disappear.
I am amazed as I write this to understand how the self worth is diminished inside, while the monster outside seems to grow in leaps and bounds.
It pushed me back in my chair to realize that my whole sense of self was lost when my “outside” crashed. I was left without me.
I was a whore for love and peace I discovered a few years back. I gave myself up for others satisfaction, others needs, others this and others that. I gave myself up in a million and one places, until.
My Until was when I could see clearly who it was I had given myself to.
I gave myself away.
I didn’t even care what they did to me, I was careless with me……
When I finally saw myself I was a broken mess.
I am still in the ‘reconstruction’ phase and when I am feeling out of power that an outside source has more power over me, I know that my sense of self is inside.
Tirelessly I work pulling and tugging to get my sense of self back out of that item or person.
I usually can tell I am in there, when I feel that I own that. When my feelings get hurt depending upon what they do or don’t do, you can safely bet I am inside.
Bikram on his Yoga CD says, “If anyone can steal your peace, you are the loser.”
What I didn’t know was that I was the loser of self!
I now am finding myself in the oddest places and people. Yet I can see my intentions.
My intentions were to fill them up with whatever it was they thought they were missing.
It is incredible, we are all going around losing ourselves and then grabbing a sense of false self from others.
What if instead we stop this madness and Be whole without the other?
Like Byron Katie says, skip the middleman.
You be you and I be me!
You keep you all of you, and I will keep all of me.
Two people fully loaded a complete set of one!