I dropped the letter in the outgoing mail; it sat in the box for a few hours, with me working nearby.
Every now and then, I wondered if I should take it back; pull it out and retreat back to silence.
When the time approached for the first mail truck heading south, my confidence waned, my insecurities arose, at times it was like holding a yoga pose to not walk a few steps and take it back.
It is amazing to be nervously anxious and brave in the same breath.
In the outgoing mailbox lay my restraining letter to my mother; it’s bold statements clear and concise, there is no mistaking or misreading its intent.
I recalled a few of the lines in my one page letter.
“It is not healthy for me to be around you.”
“My silence is the kindest thing I can give you.”
“I need you to honor and respect the silence and space I need to heal and be whole.”
“If you fail to honor our separation as it is, you are deliberately seeking to disrespect and hurt me; I will take it as such.”
The letter was easy to write, harder to send, and leaves my emotions scared inside, even though I mean every word, it just seems too harsh to send.
There is a part of me that is still loyal to the mother/daughter relationship that has long ago dissolved, a part that feels it just isn’t right to actually send. It is okay to feel these things, but it is certainly not right to speak to your elders this way.
A part of me feels there will be dire consequences for my words, punishment for being so ballsy for speaking to a mother this way.
Yet on the other hand the feelings of self-empowerment and self-love are being flooded with strength as I did what no daughter wants to do.
Restrain her self from having a relationship with her mother.
How unnatural to leave a mother and to set up firm boundaries that lock you out, cutting the ties that sever the lines of communication.
Becoming an orphan on purpose.
What I failed to notice is that it is me that was restraining me.
Restraining me from leaving.
Restraining me from staying.
Inside is the battle of the dysfunctional daughter and the healing one; how grateful am I healing won.