I lose control of me, when I feel I have lost control of others, and it puts me in a very immature action, where my voice gets higher and higher the more I feel I am losing.
What I can’t understand is why I want control in the first place, when life is showing me I have none, nor will I ever, nor is it mine to have.
Being a mother tests this in ways you would normally not have, or perhaps it is in relationships too, but for me it is in mothering where I lose it.
I lose my decorum or any spiritual idea of being in love, peace and joy…it evaporates quickly and in its place rages an out of control woman who wants control of the uncontrollable.
My son’s life is saturated with folks I would rather he keep his distance from, and this fills me with anxiety that explodes unexpectedly for both of us.
It seems so simple to him, let me be with my friend, let me work for a cheating man, let me hang with friends from a cult like religion, just let me be.
And to me it seems I am knowingly allowing him to engage with folks who are confused at best and due to this fact alone, will not hold his best interest at heart.
Yet my hollering is not helping…and I have no other response.
While I lay in bed after he happily was off again, it came to me to let him go, as he is long gone already. He has always been there; he hasn’t left just because I have.
I somehow missed this, that when I left, I felt I pulled them all out…even when and if reality and life are showing me different.
I fear losing them, and instead they are already gone.
I guess I didn’t want to know I walked away from the crowds and places they are comfortable in. I didn’t want to know I left my children there, but I did.
I raised them with the ideas and thoughts and beliefs of the cult like religion, being comfortable around dysfunctional people, and now I appear like the madwoman as I rant in fear because they still enjoy being there.
I seethed in hatred for living here, for that bunch still having an influence over my children, and I knew that my hatred was directed at me.
That what I rail against is not about them, but about me.
I hate me for the dysfunction I brought to my children.
I hate it when they show me over and over what I taught them.
I hate to see it and I hate to own that it came from me.
I hate that while I became aware, I can’t change my children, I can’t stop the train I put them on as children. I hate that I now must find peace in allowing them to be where I planted them.
I hate that I have no control, that I can’t rip them out of the dysfunctional gardens I planted them in and transplant them in a space that is much more kinder to their souls.
I hate that I have to watch them grow there.
I hate that I am aware in moments like these.
I hate that loving someone means letting them make choices that are not like mine.
I hate that I hate that which I cannot change.
In hating it keeps me from accepting, but accepting at times is a hard pill to swallow.
I am granting me time to hate…like a mourning process.
I am allowed to hate until I accept.
I am allowed to not like that which I don’t like.
I am allowed to feel out of control, when I am out of control.
I am allowed to feel...