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09/25/2011

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Profound blog Beth. This line, "If you don’t value your children, you don’t value anything." says it all.

Perhaps because they have so many, they cannot see their value.....only the "burden" of having children because a minister said you "have" to.

It would be a simple solution to not have so many children, but I only had four, and I didn't treasure and value them until I saw my own incredible self.

Prior I had viewed them through the lens of either my abusive eyes or the 'values' of the church, but not as the wonderful unique human beings they are; connected to God, with their own Spirits and passions.

Even for those without children, you can't value humans, if you are an untreated abused adult child.

We can only see up to our own highest value.

My children have lived with two mothers, without the stress of divorce. (however watching a mother go through my inner struggle wasn't easy either.) When I transformed myself, their value changed.

An incredible enlightening experience, to see the children's value continue to rise the more I saw my own sins in mothering.

It is impossible for the children to create their own value system; we teach it to them by how we act towards them.

The greatest gift in the past 6 years is to experience my feelings for them change.

What I had thought was loving, was so far off the mark. I owned my chilren and their behavior made me or shamed me, I used them as an extension of me, but failed to see how my needs stole their lives from them.

Oddly enough, my behavior as a mother was similar to my fathers just not in a sexual way.

I was forcing them to do things for me.
Behave for me.
Act for me...

Five years ago, I told my son, your job is to be a 12 year old boy and my job is to be the consequence lady. It is not your job to make me a better mom, a good mom.

When I stopped blaming the outside, I then began working in earnest in the inside...

I then found my own value inside and I didn't need them to make me more valuable...Like they could.

And when my inner self worth increased so did their value. I seen them with new eyes...

I completely relate to the laid back guy switching quickly to the horrible monster and back again with such fluidity that it made me wonder if 'that just happened' or did I dream it? One of my biggest shocks of meeting a man such as this was when Carl Pelli molested me with my family members right outside of the door. I was sent into his cabin to tell my sisters we were there to pick them up while my mom stood outside visiting with his wife. He grabbed me so suddenly and threw my little self up against the wall, shoved his hands down my shorts and molested me and it was over as quickly as it began and his face went back to 'normal' and he retrieved my sisters and away we went. I was shocked beyond belief for many days afterward-questioning myself as to whether that had really happened or not, but I never told because he gave me 'the look' that my little mind understood to know I was never to tell or else. Thanks for sharing with that particular description as I had always tried to share it but never felt like anyone could really know what that personality type (of pedophiles) was like.

Leah, thanks for sharing your own horrific experience of being so little against the forceful monster and in such a 'normal' setting, that the child is left wondering what in the hell just happened.

And the "LOOK" of don't you dare tell...and after just experiencing his strength and ugliness, we believe and are silent.

Silent and not telling...holding instead that act inside us to fester and define who we are.

What is so incredible it that it does happen with people nearby, it is quick it is forced it is a criminal sexual assualt!

And no little child is off limits. Any child who he/she has access to is fair game and most people think it happens in darkened secret places, but it happens in broad daylight in way normal places.

Thanks again Leah, your voice affirms our experiences.

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Women In New Directions

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Books, signposts along the way.

  • Annie Rogers: A Shining Affliction: A Story of Harm and Healing in Psychotherapy
  • Elizabeth Gilbert: Big Magic - Creative Living Beyond Fear
  • Brene Brown: Daring Greatly
  • Martha Beck: Leaving the Saints
  • Glennon Doyle Melton: Love Warrior
  • Byron Katie: Loving What Is
  • Dr. Jill Bolte-Taylor: My Stroke Of Insight
  • Sheryl Sandberg, Adam Grant: Option B - Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy
  • Brene Brown: Rising Strong
  • Patrick J. Carnes Ph.D: The Betrayal Bond
  • Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D.: The Body Keeps Score
  • Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D.: The Body Keeps Score - Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma
  • Alice Miller: The Body Never Lies
  • Dr. Shefalie Tsabary: The Conscious Parent
  • Laura Landgraf: The Fifth Sister- From Victim to Victor
  • Brene Brown: The Gifts of Imperfection
  • Christina Enevoldsen: The Rescued Soul - A writing journey for the Healing of Incest and Family Betrayal
  • Annie Rogers: The Unsayable: The hidden language of trauma
  • Steven Pressfield: The War of Art
  • Alice Miller: Thou Shalt Not Be Aware
  • Rythea Lee: Trauma into Truth - Gutsy Healing and Why Its Worth It
  • Iyanla Vanzant: Trust
  • Rob Bell: Velvet Elvis
  • Norah Vincent: Voluntary Madness- Lost and Found in the Mental Healthcare System
  • Terry L. Wise: Waking Up: Climbing through the Darkness
  • Dr. Karyl McBride: Will I Ever Be Good Enough
  • Shonda Rhimes: Year of Yes

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