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09/26/2011

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For one family in your neighborhood their lives did change. It is not my place to say who they are but you will know who I am and I wish to remain anonomous to others. I also can't spell worth a darn. They did what they thought was the right thing to do and sent over a minister to talk to your father as if it was a religious issue to get him to stop. The minister was untrained and unknowledgeable and made mistakes in these cases but before his death he learned about sexual abuse as it affected his own child and it broke his heart. This doesn't excuse his imperfect ignorance but this is looking at this from another perspective from someone with rose colored glasses who cared about him. Their lives did change a lot and they did focus on getting help for their broken daughter and they have grieved while they watched her spend the 'rest' of her years in and out of reality, in and our of therapy, psychiatric hospitals, and has attempted suicide. This is also not an attempt to blame her 'life' on your father as there are always other sides to things. It was an error to not stand in front of your house and scream or picket or whatever else until your dad admitted it. I'm not sure what would have happened if he had but it is senseless to speculate on what if. Also I can't speak for them. But their lives were shattered too to see her suffer all of these years. What they didn't do was rescue the children out of your house and that is the reality you are dealing with now. Why didn't anyone save us?

The above post is not to say that you haven't suffered because you and your whole family has but each person suffers in their own way. Some openly and with some the suffering is so deep they will probably never even come close to dealing with it. Or perhaps they look at it with the attitude - I can't change it so I will go on. Who knows why so many personalities emerge from one family? I debated on finishing the above post but it is just looking in from my eyes where I am intertwined with the 'ones who did nothing' to help your family. I was 18 at the time but aml ashamed. I can't even remember if we ever talked about calling the police.

Thank you for reading and responding. I am pretty sure I do know you.

Our little neighborhood holds much abuse from house to house. And sadly or more ironically all of the abuse came from FALC homes.

What I also believe is that our home, my father's case is a classic example of the times and the lack of handing it over to the police.

My writing about this so frankly, is to help other families in this day and age to do better than what was done back then.

while I know that the minister did his best, his best had a tragic outcome for some. And it was only when abuse knocked on his door did he realize the cost to the victim.

Oh, and here is what I know for sure. If you do like I have done and stand strong and hard and put up boundaries, Your whole life will change.

While healing myself, I have had to cut ties with all toxic relationships, and that means of course family, church members or even your whole religious viewpoints.

Opening up this dialogue will help.
There are multiple lessons we can all learn from my father's case.
And then, it will not be all for naught.

I would not change a moment of my journey, for I have understood the difference between toxic 'love' and then true love and truth. I am very grateful for one little brave girl who did speak his name when asked.

There are many of us who had different affects after abuse. Mine was to have complete disassociation, I remembered nothing, but my body held on to the fear.

This remembering nothing has you acting 'normal' in an abnormal home....and not putting up boundaries, which is why I could bring my own girls to him.

I just didn't know that a body full of fear meant abuse. And it isn't until you let your self go there, do you get snippets of memories back.

I am not trying to blame, I am trying to explain or figure this out. I do appreciate you responding.

If we can help one other person do things differently, this blog will not be in vain.

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Books, signposts along the way.

  • Annie Rogers: A Shining Affliction: A Story of Harm and Healing in Psychotherapy
  • Elizabeth Gilbert: Big Magic - Creative Living Beyond Fear
  • Brene Brown: Daring Greatly
  • Martha Beck: Leaving the Saints
  • Glennon Doyle Melton: Love Warrior
  • Byron Katie: Loving What Is
  • Dr. Jill Bolte-Taylor: My Stroke Of Insight
  • Sheryl Sandberg, Adam Grant: Option B - Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy
  • Brene Brown: Rising Strong
  • Shefali Tsabary: The Awakened Family
  • Patrick J. Carnes Ph.D: The Betrayal Bond
  • Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D.: The Body Keeps Score
  • Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D.: The Body Keeps Score - Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma
  • Alice Miller: The Body Never Lies
  • Dr. Shefalie Tsabary: The Conscious Parent
  • Laura Landgraf: The Fifth Sister- From Victim to Victor
  • Brene Brown: The Gifts of Imperfection
  • Christina Enevoldsen: The Rescued Soul - A writing journey for the Healing of Incest and Family Betrayal
  • Annie Rogers: The Unsayable: The hidden language of trauma
  • Steven Pressfield: The War of Art
  • Alice Miller: Thou Shalt Not Be Aware
  • Rythea Lee: Trauma into Truth - Gutsy Healing and Why Its Worth It
  • Iyanla Vanzant: Trust
  • Rob Bell: Velvet Elvis
  • Norah Vincent: Voluntary Madness- Lost and Found in the Mental Healthcare System
  • Terry L. Wise: Waking Up: Climbing through the Darkness
  • Dr. Karyl McBride: Will I Ever Be Good Enough
  • Shonda Rhimes: Year of Yes

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