One Verse of Me.

I had an overwhelming feeling of being lost, of searching for myself, but not knowing who I was or how I would find me.

What I was describing very accurately is my innocent me.

That was who I set off to find...how I had gotten so far off the path of me...and who would I be, minus all the stuff?

Letting go of the old me, and turning my back on all of the folks who created her, was very scary...for I had nothing of myself when I left.

I was a stranger to myself going out to find a self, who I didn't know at all.

I didn't know how this journey would end, what would I find as I resurrected my truth...

I stood horrified of the lies I had built myself upon...and couldn't pretend to pretend to pretend I was her...and a new self wasn't born, so I was left in a space a vacuum of time...nothing to hold myself in.

A stranger to the truth...and a nonbeliever of the lies.

Where I used to be strong and confident in the false life, I now lay weak in disbelief.

I don't know where the courage came to even wiggle a finger, let alone set out and dig up my past and re-contextualize each thing to set it up within the frame work of truth.  And to do so while living life.

Living life as a nobody.  Just a truth correction lady.  Letting my self definition go, while I fixed all my wrong beliefs and thoughts.

It was like my life to this point was written in fiction and I had to go back and make it nonfiction.  I was the main character and the author...re-writing my past while living in my present...changing the essence of the main character, me.

Here I am writing my life story, while living it out; changing the main character from dysfunctional to functional...from false and fiction to truth and reality...

What an intriguing position.  Writing how I found me, while researching how I lost me...while lost to who I really am.

Unaware, to aware...but lost....to knowing how I got lost.

I found myself where I got lost.

Innocent.  

When I left my innocence, I lost me...I walked away, or ran in fear and terror...or was exploited.

While I can burst with gratitude for finding myself and my innocence, I too have to feel the agony of the sheer magnitude that conspired to lead me from me.

The forces that pulled me away...and I felt the literal forces working to drag me back as worked on going back to me.

My cells and DNA screamed as I worked to return to my natural state of being, they were addicted to the false lies and false adoration and attention...I had to turn on myself, turn on my family, turn away from all I knew, in order to recalibrate myself.

Going from Falsehood to Truth. 

Innocence is being at one with the truth....one verse of me.

This photo was taken of me and my sister friend, Kirsten in the summer of 2008.  I love the joy, the love and peace....me on my journey back to me...I have found wonderful souls to walk with me and cheer me on.  I love that you held me up when I had nothing inside of me.  Thanks seems so small for such a huge task, but thank you to all who walked with me as I sought to find myself while lost.

 

 

Comments

[Carl Huhta]

You look like sisters! How good to see Kirsten.
Great blog. You also held me up and walked me home
as well.
Thank you.

[I M Perfect]

Your welcome Carl. We made it, against all odds. The long shot...the path of most resistance...we did it. We are now singing one verse...at peace and in love with the truth.