Who Believed the Worst About Herself.

In the aftermath of reading David Hawkins, I am left with an even greater understanding or perhaps an explanation of my journey, how I arrived, what happened that covered my eyes and spirit; my innocence.

I almost felt that I was responsible for being so irresponsible, that I had somehow fallen asleep carelessly or that perhaps I didn't care enough to save myself or was kind enough to save my sisters or any other girl who was abused after me.

There was a part of me, a pretty large part that felt I was responsible for being so irresponsible...and that irresponsibility is my nature, my soul's fingerprint, the DNA of who I am.  

Another huge chunk also enjoyed the haughty elitism of the FALC; the one right pathway to Heaven.  That I didn't mind all the other poor souls going to hell...I was heartless to the core...Self Rightiously superior and self absorbed.

When my 'truths' of my first forty-six years revealed themselves to be false, I began the digging process to uncover how I had gotten so blind, backwards and confused, and who was the real me underneath it all?

It feels like I am paleontologist of my own life, where I am trying to get to the fossil of who I am...to see me in my natural state.

While it takes courage to be willing to want to know the truth, to search for answers to your irresponsibility, to go into your coldness, your blindness to evil within as well as out; like researching a monster called Self.

Being a detective in your own life...your dysfunctional life.  

Taking apart your mental mind, re-creating the pathways of beliefs that led you to act like a robot...with a mind completely closed down and emotions and feelings buried deep.  A great student of hatred in order to feel good.  

What I recall of the First Apostolic Lutheran Church, is that they spoke of nonbelievers as being the devil, along with items they called sins; how they will slowly take away your 'faith' little by little.  When in actuality, they (preachers) were taking away our innocence bit by bit.

Each time we believed in the sermon about nonbelievers being bad, we were taught to hate them.  Each time we relinquished our rights to our body, the preachers/church won another part of our lives.

Its subtle and not so subtle messages slowly turned us into hating not only others but our own flesh and blood...and the weakness of self against them.

How it would be impossible to resist the devil, so best not to dance the first step.

Innocence and strength of spirit was not preached...but wretchedness and our inherent weakness poured into us. 

I recall spending my first night at a non-relative nonbeliever's home...I was in grade school.  They had a TV, the parents drank beer, and I was afraid to go to sleep.  I was terrified, like sleeping in the devils home.  Fear of them...and fear of the pull and not being able to resist.  I remember we slept on the floor in the livingroom, and she fell asleep with the TV on...and I was mesmerized watching it, while knowing it was wrong, but couldn't stop.  I felt how 'evil' was stronger than I.

The little innocent child self, curious and in wonderment, wanted to see TV, knowing it was wrong...did so and then was terrified I would die with this sin in me and go directly to hell.  Stuck in a home of nonbelievers.  A weak child against the demons.

Looking upon this from the perspective of the program they were putting in place sickens me.  Not so much the program which is so filled with elitism, but the fact that the innocent child gulps this up without question. 

Eroding its sense of pureness. Imagine by grade school, I was already gone.  

Now add onto this being abused by my father.  I am weak and wretched once again.  

And now my mother's opinion of me comes in.  Once again, no one sees my innocence.  It must be true.

Three very influential factions in my little world all see me as no longer innocent.

There is no way I can't turn on myself and see me as they see me.  

See my body as they see my body.

And if I was of stronger 'faith' or a stronger little girl, I could have saved my innocence....I believed.  I was the one who was weak and couldn't save myself.  Because I couldn't I was responsible for being irresponsible.

I didn't pull apart the string so deeply to see the intricate pieces of how all my innocence was lost.  

If the church still held me innocent, while I had lost it with my father, I would have then been half innocent; half good.  But, there was no one in my little life that seen me as a very innocent child whose consciousness is not devious.

What a big burden for a child to carry, the lack of innocence and good.

No matter how much I tried to do good, It was never enough to erase the DNA of being guilty for losing my innocence...hating my weakness against evil.  I lost and it won, always.

To see myself and to know myself and to feel myself as being innocent/good/a joyful Spirit was taken from me...replaced with feelings of guilt, shame and weakness. 

It is like the church/dysfunctional parent rips apart all that is natural, and of spirit; peace, love and joy...transforming the child of innocence, to reflect instead, that of the devil and hatred and fear.

What chance does the child have?  

No wonder I felt weak and powerless, I was.  I was weak in discernment, weak in not standing up against adults.  I was weak in not questioning...I was weak and unable to fight those who were determined to have my innocence.

Yet I berated myself and my weakness...and grew into a girl wise beyond her years.  An old person in a young life.  I tried to control what was out of my control....and felt guilty when I couldn't.

I knew I lost my innocence. I knew I was weak.  What I didn't know was that the strong people in my life preyed upon this.  That there was no way in hell I could have stopped this.  

Not the rape of my body nor the rape of my innocent mind by the church...nor could I have convinced my mother.  For her love of both of them left me with no one to turn to.

As Dr. Maya Angelou says, "Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives."

What I failed to appreciate are a few things;

The strength of the adults and the natural inherent trust of the child and its inability to discern makes it the weaker of the two.  It isn't that I was irresponsible, I was naturally over taken.  

I didn't fight this larger system.  Which leads to another quote by Dr. Maya Angelou "...surrender in its place was as honorable as resistance, especially if one had no choice."

I now can honor my lack of resistance, for I had no choice.

It wasn't weakness...I surrendered in order to survive.

I can vividly see, feel and know the weakness wasn't weakness, but the truth of being a child...it is inherently weak against an adult.

It isn't a personal character flaw, a carelessness or calculated callousness; I was naturally being a child.

I could weep for the natural little girl...who believed the worst about herself.

 

Photograph, by Hannah Jukuri

 

 

 

Comments

[Carl Huhta]

It's still shocking and horrifying to see what was done to you. I am haunted by your words: ... "Not the rape of my body nor the rape of my innocent mind by the church...nor could I have convinced my mother. For her love of both of them left me with no one to turn to."

I believe you no longer "believe" in what was placed on you.

May you always soar.

[I M Perfect]

Carl, the weeping is for all the years of seeing my worth in their eyes and not realizing that there was a mistake. That I had innocently believed the worst about myself. That the little girl didn't even have the little girl believing in her. I too had abandoned myself.

I left myself alone and joined them.

What a long road back to understand, feel and know her innocence...what joy to know I am not guilty, heartless and cold, but was programmed to be that way.

Under the program awaited me.

[unknown]

You seem miserable. If you have left the church that's good for you,leave and be happy. There is no reason you have to be bitter against the church or anyone in the church. We all want to believe that we are all going to go to heaven someday and we want to believe that it will be us that will. We ave such a simple faith, you are making it sound much more complicated then it is. So if you have left our church, I hope you are happy. There is no need to say such mean things against our church.

[I M Perfect]

Unknown, I am not miserable...but horrified by the years spent under the influence of the church, and the ways in which we are taught at a young age to believe and how to see life and God.

I am now at peace and am learning and understanding my past journey. There was nothing simple in my childhood.

I can't know you or your life journey, but seeing the FALC as a simple faith and the only road to heaven....is a way for you to NOT see the rest. And the rest is eroding your simple faith with child abuse that runs rampant.

It isn't mean, it is facts. Meanness would be to remain silent while knowing different. If, I could, I would speak about a plain and simple pure religion...but that isn't so in my experience.

Perhaps in your small little corner, you are not aware of what lurks in the other homes, and can live with a different experience.

This is my experience and I would be the first to wish to God it was simple and just a path to Heaven. I found it to be a place of hell.

Not mean, just my experience. We are two who have seen, heard and experienced the FALC.

Is it possible for there to be an evil side to your church???
Even if you don't believe or want to know, the child abuse continues.

I am happy to be free of abusive relationships. It would be my greatest desire to have more people like me stepping forth.

Just because there is silence, doesn't mean it doesn't exits.

Sexual abuse along with Religious dogma, is the worst kind of dysfunction to exit out of. The FALC has both.

I am not bitter or mean....just real.
Beth Jukuri

[Carl Huhta]

Their "simple" faith has caused a lot of pain for children and others including me. Blessing away pedophiles is not a religion but a cult. If they are going to be in Heaven I want to be in Hell. And I've been there growing up.

God's Peace!

[unknown]

If every church was right we would all be going to the same church. Also there is child abuse every where. No its not right, but its everywhere. I am glad you are making people aware about it, but you don't have to blame everything on my church.

[I M Perfect]

Unknown, It is not my intention to tear apart or blame your church, but I also will not sugar coat my experience.

The FALC members who lived in our neighborhood, knew and did nothing, but bless him. Oh, and keep their own kids away...or try to.
The FALC minister who was told did nothing. He did not go to the authorities and report what he knew, instead he asked the little girl who had been raped by my father, "why are you bringing this up?"

Do you know what is the churches procedure on child sexual abuse? Do you know what the Chairperson of the Board said when told about there being pedophiles within the church? Do you know how much apathy there is on this subject with in your church?

Blessing the pedophile that rapes little girls/boys will no magically erase the damage the child carries. Nothing touches the wound, but truth. Nothing heals the wound but truth. Truth should not be 'blessed away' like it can be.

If the 'blessings' worked, my little sisters and my little friends, and their friend would not have been molested.

While you sit in your bench each Sunday, believing in the "Forgiveness of sins"....see how well it works on abuse. Wonder even more who among the forgiven are still active pedophiles....who know the place to go to get wiped clean after the act.

I truly never set out to expose the church, I had no idea the depth of knowing that had gone on for 40 years.

As for the topic of one Right Church and being the only ones to get to heaven....boy that would fill another whole blog.

It seems we look at God in the same manner we look toward our parents or those in authority....or maybe even still how we look at ourselves.

The God in the church was presented as a punishing God, a judging God. The God I found when my world fell apart is beyond what my mind can hold.

May you have the peace of God with you always.
And I truly am sorry for the faithful members who truly believe in the pureness and rightfulness of the church....as I uncover the decay that is rotting its core.

Beth Jukuri

[Suzann]

The abuse in the FALC goes back well beyond 40 years. Of this I have first hand knowledge.

Shining the light of truth on the hypocracy and abuse within that church will be met with much denial and condemnation because it's what they've been conditioned to do. But, it doesn't change the facts.