"I learned to survive by withholding what feels real. When events happen - when someone says or does something that hurts me - I have learned to absorb the hit and pretend that nothing changed, that everything is the same. But when I do this, my energy is used up in maintaining the pretense that nothing has happened, and I begin to spin coldly in the dark."
"It is so simple and yet so brave to say that we are hurt when we are hurt, that we are sad when we are sad, that we are scared when we are scared. In very direct and daily ways, this energy of realness - this mana- changes situations because the immediate expression of our truth releases light and warmth that influences the life we are a part of. This is the way our spirit shines." Mark Nepo
Learning to absorb the hit and then act as if nothing has changed is the crux of all dysfunction. It leads you into a false life...an illusion, where your 'kind' parents don't hurt you. You brought in the hit/abuse and then you proceeded to act like nothing changed. It did. Your body is carrying the truth, while you are acting as if all is well with thee.
I didn't even know that I lived this way, didn't fully grasp how my un-realness was the key to my pretend life. In fact, I didn't know that I was allowed to truly act as if something HAD changed.
The forgiveness of sins seems to dovetail with this, for when you utter the words, "your sins are forgiven" you then can revert back to the acting as if nothing happened. Back to pretending...
Learning to be real was actually shocking to my body at first, I was filled with terror and fear to actually say what I needed to say and even flooded with guilt for doing so. That I had no right to be real.
In believing this way, anyone can do and say anything to you and your job is to absorb the hits. Take it in and swallow, in silence.
Doesn't that seem like a victim's role? Like you are not allowed to speak up or get out of the way?
Imagine life if all were allowed to say and move in response to real life.
I know for me, it has simplified my life. I feel so much more at peace when I can use the words yes and no, when I can move towards or away from folks, when I am no longer an absorption cushion to all kinds of behavior.
And the best part is, I no longer have to pretend...