I found myself in a strange spot, where my intentions never made it to their home, where my concerns were intercepted by anger and judgment.
My love and concern left my body and before they landed, anger and judgment were fully encased in my words.
Concern's content was completely disheveled and twisted.
My concern had landed in a place where love was unwelcome and unseen.
It is shocking and horrifying and greatly intriguing to witness this.
What is so odd is that I literally do not hold any judgment within me, nor any anger...that inside me is caring concern and love.
When I attempt to give what is within me to this other person, it feels the opposite of my intention.
And, I am being blamed for something that isn't mine.
I am being blamed for being angry when I am not angry.
I am being blamed for being judgmental when I am not judgmental.
And, it seems she wants me to change.
How can I change what isn't inside of me???
It is so complexing and so maddening. For IF there was anger I could deal with it.
If there was judgment, I could deal with it.
But, if there is only loving kindness and grave concerns....how can I change them, and what would that look like?
It seems odd that in order for her to feel loving kindness, I have to care less, be less concerned, less involved, less speaking...to stop caring.
What I am learning about yet again is how each of us carry a definition of love, and it is from there that we recieve and experience life.
It matters greatly what your definition of love is.
What does love feel like to you?
The world can't give you love, only you can define what love is.
The way abuse shows itself most clearly is by your definition of love.
When an abuser does his grooming well, you will flip around love and fear.
You will not fear him, but love him...and then you will fear those who truly love you.
It is an amazing transformation in its tragic outcome.
The mind is now set to recieve loving concern as anger and judgment...you push away from loving concerns...feeling it as anger.
And, there is nothing the giver can do...for a mind convinced against its will is of the same opinion still.
Life may show itself differently over time...something may jar this incorrect definition lose, but until then..I am a bystander watching the train of abuse...wind its insidious way in someone I love.
I am once again tagged as the monster and the real monster sits unscathed.
While under the spell of this grooming, you clearly can't see or feel. Hence, abuse is allowed to continue on. You are now incapacitated or incapable to discern good or evil.
I lived under this spell. I believed my mind against all evidence to the contrary in real life. I get this spell. I understand the grips of control it has on your life.
What I didn't have while under the spell of abuse was an adult person to speak the truth. No one contradicted my mind. No one challenged me. No one led me to believe that my mind was wrong.
I feel deeply, that when I bump up against someone whose mind is under the spell of abuse, that I do my due diligence to poke holes in the spell.