I noticed a shift yesterday, a slight, but meaningful one...where the yoga was for me personally. In the past, the voice getting me in and out of the poses was the one who wanted me to do this or that...was now second place, and in front of that voice was me. I wanted to do each pose and hold it for the muscles it was working.
Maybe I can't even clarify how it felt, but it resounded back to how much of my life had been lived and how my body was moved, not by an inner desire or need, but by an outer voice.
This carryover from religion or parents, often leaves us detached from inside and on the end of someone else's string.
So, my yoga felt personal, and mine. The outside voice feels neutral and not that of a puppet master, but one who is helping me with my muscles and joints.
It is odd to try and describe the difference, between the voice being helpful or controlling. How my unnatural insides rebelled outward help, for it confused help from control. Even if I did the yoga, I resented subconsciously him telling me what to do, even if it felt good and it was helpful.
It is almost like there was a subconscious rebelling of all voices, and in order to be 'free' I did nothing.
I have had lots of distance between me and yoga; doing very little in the past months.
The break has weakened muscles and stiffened joints, and yet the space has been helpful in seeing it differently.
I want to be strong and in control, able to do gracious for my daughter's wedding. I thought doing as much yoga as possible would be helpful.