Yesterday the image of a darkened closet where we are talking and sharing but no one knows your name....and the outside where we see each other but rarely share our truths...stayed with me.
The juxtaposition of never being with your truth and your face at the same time, let alone be with it with someone else...and ESPECIALLY with those you love.
We somehow believe that our truths will not be embraced.
And, we have learned this in our home environment growing up. Especially where one parent was abusing and the other looking away. We are left to pretend in the light of day, we are okay and nothing is wrong. And we keep our truth hidden, silent and feel its shame.
What I have been able to re-experience, is this phenomena.
Except, I refuse to go back into the closet or to hide my face or not say my name.
The filming for the documentary has solidified the wrongness of anonymous...for it mirrors abuse and perpetrates its shame.
What is so odd is that those whose lives are lived half in the closet are not hidden at all. For their behaviors and actions are clearly speaking out shame.
We only think we can hide our truths, but our truths keep showing...in how we present ourselves, what we will share or not share, what we are comfortable with and what we are not...who we support and who we steer away from. What we call kind and love and what we think it is.
There was no part of my life that abuse didn't touch. No part that wasn't spared. Even in my quilts, my abuse was showing....
The religion my mother chose supported her 'forgive and forget' life style, where you don't have to deal with abuse; but bless it away and get on with living.
What I know, is that the truth isn't hidden, it isn't in the closet away from reality. There is no place the truth can hide. It is always showing. We for many reasons, refuse to see it and embrace it and live with its contents.
Someone asked me last night as I was recounting my experience with being filmed and the talk of the church came in and or family and it was asked, if they believe it happened?
I do believe they do believe IT happened.
That Ray Huhta is a pedophile. But, what is so curious is how they continued to live like he had not shown this truth. Like IT didn't happen.
I did start to respond, "how so many didn't believe it..." But, what I know, is that they did not respond to it...for reasons unknown or known.
To fully accept it, means your world will flip completely upside down. Few chose this route.
What makes me appear mental, is I allowed my life to flip. I flipped out. I could no longer be separated from my truth...I was dying and I didn't even know it. Dying as the girl who would hide her feelings and her emotions...cramming them in this very tight space; away from reality.
Perhaps the closet exploded...
The closet doors were shattered in my mind.