When family functions arise, or when news of siblings enter into my world...I feel a phantom family take shape. Its presence plays with my insides, messes with my head and questions who I am.
I would have thought, that my resolve would have solidified by now, and that the nerve endings where the family used to be, would be long dead. Or, that I would not feel inclined to respond...and yet it is like a reflex reaction...before my mind remembers.
And when I remember, I know that once again my lack of presence will not be understood, but ridiculed...belittled and demeaned, scoffed at as mental, insane, bitter and cold.
What I think I long for is family acceptance...and the pain I flinch from is to once again feel their rejection of me and my truths.
Its almost like self-infliction...staying away and the barbs it reaps.
Each of us both are moving away...being repelled by our beliefs and/or our truths...they simply can't co-exist.
While I know many will fault me for not attending, few will see their own distaste for me and the truth.
It is odd to walk as the truth and feel how many turn away...and yet blame the truth for its content and not their own lack of willingness to dance with it.
The music I see my family playing is a repeat from histories long ago...the family tune...stuck on the same old song.
There are perhaps some changes in people and ages and they have taken on new roles etc, but the music and words behind the gatherings echo our past.
All the negative points to me...while abuse attends the party unscathed.
In the past few days, I have felt this heavy energy inside of me like a fog that seeps into my cells and fills me with hopelessness and at the same time acceptance...that no matter what I have done, the music plays on. Playing my father's song.
I carry the wrath that should be his...
I am on the outside and abusers like him...on the inside.
Today is my mother's 82nd Birthday...she too on the inside.
Celebrated as Mom.
Don't know what praises she will reap...how many will acknowledge her today.
The band plays on.
Nothing else did.
It takes time to find my peace inside again. To feel strong. To gather myself back...to know that even if they have changed nothing. I have.
I changed the music inside of me...and it no longer matches their tune.
Recalling the "Lady Bug Medicine"....I will dance the lady bug dance..fearlessly.
"Ladybug's medicine includes carrying the golden strand that leads to the centre of the universe, past lives, spiritual enlightenment, death and rebirth, renewal, regeneration, fearlessness, protection, good luck, wishes being fulfilled, protection."