"Through our children, we get orchestra seats to the complex theatrics of our immaturity, as they evoke powerful emotions in us that can cause us to feel as though we aren't in control - with all the frustration, insecurity, and angst that accompanies this sensation." Dr. Shefali Tsabary
What I love about this book, it is a book about the Parent, not the child. It is helping us see ourselves and how our reactions change the lives of our children. I love that she notes our "complex theatrics of our immaturity". For we literally are reduced to the antics of a two-year old. Raging and screaming out of control...when 'something' doesn't go our way.
She goes on to say...
"Of course, our children don't "make" us feel this way. They merely awaken our unresolved emotional issues from our childhood. Nevertheless, because our children are vulnerable and mostly powerless, we feel free to blame them for our reactivity. Only by facing up to the fact that it isn't our children who are the problem, but our own unconsciousness, can transformation come about."
"How did we become so reactive? Not only do we inherit certain egoic scripts and roles from our family of origin, we also inherit an emotional signature. Beneath every role and script is a unique emotional imprint. This is the case because, as an infant, we are in the state of being, not ego, which means our defenses are unformed and we are susceptible to the emotional energy around us. We energetically interact with our parents emotional state, absorbing their emotional imprint, until this energy becomes our emotional stamp. Unless at some point in our life we become conscious of the emotional energy we have absorbed from our parents, we will inevitably transfer this imprint to our own children."
"Because we weren't taught by either our parents or society to access our inner stillness and find the roots of our pain and pleasure within ourselves, we are reactive to external circumstances. Sine we didn't learn to simply observe our emotions and honor them, sit with them, and grow from them, our response to external stimuli became increasingly emotionally toxic, which is the root of our cyclones of drama."
"When we are raised to surpress our darker emotions, these emotions form a shadow from which we are cut off. When emotions are split from our consciousness, they lie dormant, ready to be activated at a moments notice, which is why so many of us erupt out of the blue. Whenever these emotions are triggered by another's shadow, we find ourselves upset with the person who evoked these emotions in us. Again, let me emphasize that no one could evoke such emotions in us were they not already part of our shadow. Not realizing this, we seek to ease our discomfort at having to confront our shadow by projecting these emtions onto the other. We then see them as the villain in the situation. So afraid are we to face our surrpressed emotions that whenever we recognize such emotions in another, we experience hatred, which leads to defiance, victimizing, and in some cases killing of the individual." Dr Shefali
Imagine what a baby picks up in dysfunctional homes?
The swirling dark energies are absorbed due to no defenses to stop them.
And, then these dark emotions become part of who you are.
I know, that from my own experience this is all true.
I had a huge cavern of unexpressed emotions that could and would erupt at the smallest of provocation. I was a mine field of buried explosives. I, like my children, didn't know when it would erupt.
I did blame them.
My inner feelings towards them were defiant at best. Until I understood the time travelers of long suppressed emotions.
I had a lifetime of feeling to feel.
Once I felt the dark swirling emotions that comprise the make-up of incest and the apathy surrounding it, I was able then to feel goodness.
I had to first fully embrace and swim in the dark.
My children were spared each time I dunked under the waves of despair.
I even recall trying to keep the energies within me or when they became to dark to go outside to release them. It was like I was contaminated...a toxic mess.
I now feel that it is up to me to keep my inner landscape empty. To feel and express quickly what I feel.
By me fully owning my own energy field of dysfunctional emotions, my children will not feel its contents exploding in their lives.
It is amazing in how accurate Dr.Shefali understands this. My inner charge feels to be at zero. And, if in the future I explode. I will know that there is something within me that needs to be expressed and understood. A time traveler of suppressed emotion. Something I absorbed in my childhood.
Knowing my childhood...there was an incredible amount of dark energies that I took on...and I can be the one to transform them by feeling them. Acknowledging they exist. And, my children are the ones who will set off the charge.
There is no need to search.
When you are out of control and the emotions are drowning you. It is then...you feel this. See what and who you are trying to control so you don't have to feel.
Release the messenger and be with the emotions...and release your need to control.
On Memorial Day, we remember those who fought for our freedom. How free are we inside of ourselves? Does it matter to be living in the land of the free, when inside we are held prisoner by suppressed emotions.
We are too afraid to stop blaming others and to own our cyclone of emotions that are out of control. To fully own, the cause is coming from inside...