Feelings are unexpected guests that arrive, they just hop in and depending upon what is going on, they join the moment...you can't plan for them or invite them, they just arrive.
They arrive with announcements or do they announce the event?
Somedays we have many guests.
Other days it seems we can go along without feeling.
Monitoring these feelings or welcoming them is at times is a tricky landscape.
Last night while watching innocent appearing home videos of the children when they were young, voices of my past rang out.
It was surreal.
The juxtaposition to see our kids as little children and their delightful antics and personalities were mixed in with my estranged family...and my feelings of today striking up against mine from the past.
A very odd mixture for sure.
To see a life I barely recognize and yet at once familiar.
To feel my children's familiar trust with a family whose patterns of abuse are clearly now known.
How odd as a parent to witness my allowing of those relationships.
We didn't see them all, just a few. I don't know what else I recorded....and sadly then how much I didn't.
The thing my video lens did not record IS the most life defining.
It wasn't the cute children doing what children do.
It's the irresponsible behavior of the adults.
Adults in denial.
Adults trying to keep peace.
Adults being vigilant and yet so very careless with the spirits and lives of so many children. To see them as children...so trusting. And, now knowing them as adults and seeing their lives and choices made. Knowing still how abuse has speckled their worlds; marked by the unaddressed at the time....abuse.
I can see the hand my choices have made.
I can see how I brought them to my family of abuse.
I didn't bring them to abuse; I brought them to family. I shared my children with family. Yet, I unwittingly connected them to folks who are incapable to hold sacred their trust.
In the midst of this past review a call came in my husband's aunt passed away.
An aunt who I have gotten to know in the past few years.
It was as if my body was swirling with feelings; too many to feel.
The easy one was to hold my granddaughter and feel this.
I had just read in David Hawkin's book "Letting Go: The Pathway to Surrender" about feelings.
"First we have to be aware of what is really going on inside of us before we can do anything about it. As we let go of a feeling, it is replaced by a higher one. The only purpose for recognizing and admitting a feeling is so that we can relinquish it. To be surrendered means that w are willing to relinquish a feeling by allowing ourselves just to experience it and not to change it. Resistance is what keeps it there in the first place." David
I had lots to feel. But, they were coming in too fast to really experience, or so it seems.
It was like I was on a ride of feelings.
Feel this....and let it go.
Feel this. Feel this. Feel this. Like a smorgasbord of feelings flooding in a very short amount of time. Past, present, old relationships, gone relationships, passing friend....new grandchild, children, family, estranged family....an onslaught, too much to hold.
It was as if I was challenged to feel and was quickly given another. Feel and then change to a vastly different one. All the while on edge to what was going to be filmed next, who was going to pop up. And staying present in the room; while being transported back. Being me and seeing the old me and my old life...while in the present.
Feelings are just guests giving us a message....we are to experience them as they are and not try to change them.
I have learned to accept what is.
Just at times, this acceptance is harder to accept.
Last evening I had many guests...all bringing different feelings.