I was afraid of you.
I was afraid of what you would do.
I was torn between wanting to be with you and being terrified of being alone with you.
I wanted your protection and instead I needed protection from you.
I wanted your love; but not the way you love.
I wanted to play the games, but not be hurt.
I wanted the attention but was afraid of it.
The pull of my mind and the fear in my body confused me.
The natural tendencies of a child fought with the experiences of abuse.
When I didn't remember why I feared you....I thought the fear was mine.
I made it up.
I couldn't love.
It wasn't fun being a little girl who couldn't love.
I tried to love; but was so afraid.
I was afraid of love.
A child broken who can't love.
A broken child who doesn't trust.
A child unable to find the love in joy in the world.
What kind of a child is empty of joy and love?
Yet, I felt love for my siblings; each new baby that entered our home.
I cared for.
But wasn't vigilant enough...they each got hurt.
I tried to love them enough to fill the gaps...but I was too small, just a kid.
I wasn't their mother...yet I mothered.
I then wasn't their sister, but a substitute mother who wasn't the mother.
It is to be set upon a stage without the proper place to be.
Not a child for adults were doing adult things with her.
Not an adult; but a child.
Living in dysfunction and being made to act like it wasn't there.
Where do you stand when you don't fit into either place?
It wasn't love, so I couldn't stand there.
And no one acknowledge abuse, so we can't stand there.
Hard to find yourself when you have no place to be.
Creating a self in an illusionary land.
The shifting scenes mask all the bad...while you know it's there.
To be you...is impossible.
A little girl who can't love for those she loved hurt her...
She feels unlovable, for there is no love inside.
She does things to be more lovable hoping they will see her love.
But the fear, I believe is stronger, than anything she could do.
At 46 years of age, the little girl found out, her body didn't lie. She can love.
She had just been trying to love the wrong way.
I used to love those I feared.
Now, I fear those I fear.
I don't try and override my body's signals and emotions.
As a child I had no choice.
I had no voice.
I had to pretend to pretend all was well with thee...to love and honor thy father and thy mother...
Or go to hell.
I didn't know I was already there.
Hell is my childhood masquerading as a loving family.
I dropped my mask of love and replaced it with the raw emotions of fear.
I felt the vulnerability when I fell out of denial and really saw how twisted my parents were...and how in order to survive, how twisted I was.
I had to twist myself to match the insane reality...to make it right.
After seeing the truth, I unraveled.
I then became the child I was born to be...
Nature does loving families well! They protect the little ones who can't protect themselves!