The concept that unmet needs drive our worlds, and cause blindness to reality, is the most insightful. It totally explains the dynamics of a dysfunctional home. The core of word dysfunction really.
Here is the deal. In a dysfunctional home, codependency is commonplace.
We expect others to fulfill our needs.
That is their job and it is our job to fulfill their needs.
Self-sufficiency is nowhere to be found and the phrase, "you complete me" is real.
Inside of a dysfunctional home, no one is empowered.
Self-awareness, self-love and self-esteem is unheard of.
Self period is a bad word.
To be self-loving is the greatest sin and is called selfish.
Using your life to live by your own soul and passion is not acceptable.
You are to be part of the whole and move as one.
Your own needs are not even recognized; but you will be able to know and feel and even predict the needs of others.
Your life will be jousted about by crisis of everyone else; with very little free space to call you own - if any. You are not free to plan and execute your own life. You are frozen in place by the sheer volume of folks who need you. You are that important - to them. And completely unimportant in your life.
While underneath this busyness for others, is the unseen and unheard (by you) your own needs.
This thirst and craving for something.
What is the most common phrases...."I want to be happy." "I want to be loved." or "I want to be valued."
Most will not however, tell you what that means.
What does it truly look like to be valued.
And, mostly...they will tell you what the other people have to do; but not themselves.
This was me.
I danced to the tune of what others needed and what they expected of me. I had zero clue who I was or what I wanted. None.
My individual self had never been born or had a chance to live within the dysfunctional home and its cult like religion. There was no room for self there.
Individual ideas, or God forbid a deviation to something different.
What I know for sure, is that when I found the little seed of self and began nurturing her and living from the inside out - I fell out of the 'good graces' of both family and religion.
My life experiences show this concept in action.
I had originally thought, that the rest of my family had more love for family.
Their volume was turned up many degrees higher than mine.
But, what I now believe to be more true is this unmet need beacon that is driving their choices.
Love from others is their need.
I used to also believe that need equaled love. The more you needed someone the more you loved them. My definition of love was NEED. I felt more loved; the more I was needed.
Now, I feel love as being free.
Love that needs is not love. It is codependency.
I don't need anyone to do anything for me to make me happy.
This has been hard. Very hard. A disease of sorts.
I felt unloving as I unplugged everyone.
I felt unloving as I took care of myself and became responsible for my peace, love and joy.
This freedom to be me allowed me to love me.
Even while I fell out of love with others.
They only loved me when I could fulfill their needs.
Once I stopped feeding their needs; love ended.
Their love was need.
That love kills the soul.
I still have moments when the thought "I need you to do...." comes in.
Or, "They should".
Each time I have this thought, I circle it back to me.
I need ME to do it.
I should do that.
Each time I bring the power back to me, it frees me. And, sets the other person free too.
To me, the greatest love of all time are free souls enjoying this life together!
Love is free.
If you are not free to be...it is not love!
It is need.
What are your unmet needs?