It wasn't until the end of the last blog, that I realized the significance of me returning to the little church on Pine Street. To walk into a place that altered how I viewed myself and the world around me.
Like the stained glass windows, its preachings colored the way I believed, thought, acted and lived.
The little child who entered that space didn't have a chance against its teachings.
I can look back at the young child me, and see how she blindly trusted the things she was told. It was where she was taught to love and fear God. Where she discovered she had a sinful body. Where she lost her sense of self.
Imagine, a church that steals innocence!
She walked in through those doors with nothing to compare their words to. She had no experience, nor the freedom to doubt. For, to doubt their words and preachings, was a sin....too.
It is no wonder, I was brainwashed, I was too little and had no choice but to follow along.
The significance of shutting out TV and the "world" and its contrasting words, was the only way to keep us in the dark. I also heard today, of how fear is a way to control people.
I see my young self too afraid not to follow along.
Fear of dying in sin and going to hell.
Fear replaced my sense of curiosity and open-mindedness.
My world shrank to fit in that narrow minded religion.
And, I didn't venture out until my world fell apart.
It is hard to comprehend the magnitude of these strict religions.
And, not so hard to see, how unmoving they all now are when anything speaks outside of that religion. Words, actions and deeds are not recognized unless they are sanctioned by the church.
They literally will not move unless told to do so.
OR, until they too suffer a mind-altering event, where truth shatters this mind controlling religion. When truth shines so brightly, even the mind can't help but see beyond programmed words.
I didn't set out to un-program my mind.
But once I saw the colored glass of its deception, I no longer could pretend to pretend to believe.
I am not sure I ended up with an open mind, but one that has now experienced being programmed and told what to think and how to act and who to be.
Given that experience, I am now able to choose to be free.
Whereas, prior to knowing I was programmed, I was too programmed to know I was programmed. If that makes sense?
A person unaware doesn't have awareness to see themselves unaware.
What I felt going back to the little church on Pine Street was MY BRIGHT AWARENESS. So bright and free and open that there isn't anyone in that little church who could take it away.
How delightful would it be if churches held each child's innocence and open mind as a thing to protect at all costs, instead of stealing both.
I can't even be sure most churches are aware of the costs of their religions...
What made me even more sad today, was that my little girl had nowhere to go that held her innocence as priceless. In fact, that religion that was preached in that little church on Pine Street, equaled the actions of a dysfunctional home.
It is no wonder to me, that they match OR that so many homes whose beginnings are formed in this church are steeped in abuse.
Abuse is what is normal.
No curiosity and open-mindedness.
The feelings we were given within that little church of being sinful, unworthy and with a body full of sin, is the same way we are treated as victim of abuse.
It is our fault.
We somehow carry forward the shame and guilt.
Just as the church had us feeling guilt and shame for being sinful.
I saw that little church and how it worked hand and hand with my incest to keep me miles from myself and seeing my inherent worth.
Both, to me, hold equal parts of my demise.
Which is how they fell down almost simultaneously.
It is my belief, that if you are standing tall with your natural born innocence and intrinsic value you will be repelled from religion.
The circle moment, was for me to enter back into that church under my full power. Nothing could be added to make me more of who I am. I am complete.
It was to be complete...to go into 40 years of darkness and to find my way back to the Light.
As I stand outside of this cult-like religion - it is I, who is the devil's own, not the church.
Just as I stand outside of my dysfunctional family as the evil one.
And, I am a threat to both.
Free spirit, love of self, sense of worth, open-mindedness, awareness, voice, choice are all threats to keeping their members in the dark and in fear and under control.
In order for both to work and be seen as value and moral, I must be wrong.
My experiences of my Self-Worth in both is the true witness.
Here is my old Art which shows My Lady in her early stages...
I loved both of these pieces, and thought how free and flowing they were...
And, now my latest work in progress...
This says it all.