While I create, I love to listen to thought provoking ideas - people, podcasts and books.
Lately, it has been Rob Bell and his podcasts.
His podcasts on Forgiveness are very different than how most people see "forgiveness".
"So as dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly."
This is where the healthy separation happens.
Where you are at peace; but separate.
Forgiveness is much more complicated than just the simple forgiveness with two healthy people.
More often than not, it is between one who is protecting their wellness and separation and distance is crucial to be healthy.
However, the question that I get most often with new people who hear about my estrangement, is "When will you forgive your mother?" or "Will you ever forgive her?"
What they are really meaning, "Is when will you reunite with her."
It isn't about forgiveness; but returning to our old relationship.
Which is why this podcast is important to hear. I don't have to.
It would not be healthy for me to do so.
For some reason many years ago, I had said that I would always be willing to hear my siblings IF they chose to reach out. I have now decided to amend that.
I am no longer putting myself in that position.
Of going back to where we separated.
To do a redo of why we are estranged.
I love that I don't have to answer a text or email or message.
It frees me from feeling that I have to be open always.
I don't need to be a free open passage to them.
Instead I am the aware one who gets to protect herself first.
It is not my responsibility to remain open.
I used to believe that I had to put them, and 'our' relationship, before me.
And, that meant that I would have to open myself up just to be hurt again.
Just so they can feel like they tried. For typically, they come in with harsh words or words of guilt - trying to shame me.
I don't have to remain open 'in case'. Instead, I can close the door and leave it closed.
They don't get to be the one to decide when if and how we will begin a conversation.
I don't have to answer!
I love this new choice.