"Yearning for a new way will not produce it. Only ending the old way can do that. You cannot hold onto the old all the while declaring you want something new. The old will defy the new. The old deny the new. The old will decry the new. There is only one way to bring in the new. You must make room for it." Neale Donald Walsh
Yesterday I heard a definition or action of forgiveness - Forgiveness doesn't mean that you don't seek justice. But mostly that you don't continue the cycle of harm.
This type of forgiveness is very empowering, for it has nothing to do with the person who hurt you. It doesn't matter if they are remorseful or taking responsibility for their actions. It is all about your response.
This type of forgiveness would change the world.
For, it would change the individual who was hurt. The old adage, "Hurt people hurt people" would be no more.
If, the old way of forgiveness that is taught in most churches worked, I would have no problem with it. But, what it usually entails is that the victim forgive the poor behavior of the perpetrator and it then has to be forgotten.
The victim is left in a cycle of harm.
I love the idea that forgiveness is to end the cycle of harm.
It doesn't mean that we are to cozy up to those who hurt us, and 'love' unconditionally.
But rather that we take personal responsibility in ending the cycle.
This means that we are not to live lives that inflict harm upon another.
Being sensitive to each step we take and how it will either continue the old cycle or end it.
I also love the quote about yearning for a new way will NOT produce it.
You must make room for a new way.
I have seen so many wanting something new; but too afraid to leave the old ways behind.
Or not letting go; but expecting a new outcome.
What I have mistakenly believed, is that all who were abused, wanted a new way. Or, wanted the new meaning of forgiveness; to end the cycle of harm.
So, they would then be more non-forgiving, than those trying to end the cycle of harm.
Many want what the old ways...and are not seeking a new way.
I also listened to Steven Hassan talk about cults and getting out of them. And, how you have to approach those who are still under the spell of one. That you are to remain curious and non-judgmental. I have failed at this big time.
One thing he did talk about is critical thinking. And how the common denominator in cults are the enforcing tools. Fear and guilt, and shunning to name a few. And, the binary way that cults operate, with one side being right and the other being wrong. And, that you are special and 'saved' within the group and going to hell on the outside.
This is another hole I fall into time and time again. A throw back from my past.
I can get lost in what is a healthy boundary and what is binary thinking.
I forget to remember that if I am basing my decisions on what is healthy and good for me, I am not thinking they are wrong; but what is healthy and empowering for me.
So forgiveness in this new sense is leaving the cult intrenched behaviors behind.
What else was really interesting, was that it isn't the weak that are easily cast under the spell; but rather anyone is susceptible.
Those in the cult know the lure.
Interesting enough, the lure for the religious equals that of sex trades and extreme terrorist groups.
What is key to deflect cults is to be curious, to ask questions and to remain critical in your thinking, to ask about the power structure and how it is arranged.
I was even surprised to learn that tiered marketing or pyramid selling is a cult.
But, it makes sense. All the power is on the top.
Forgiveness and cults came up on my podcasts as I was wondering how to neutralize my emotions towards my mother.
Meaning to not rise when I see her words upon my Facebook feed.
To let her be.
What came to me, is the struggle we all have in being free.
We want others to do this or that to give us peace.
but, we have to instead, let go of some thought or belief that is keeping us engaged.
I think, I thought, that IF I called her by her given name, she would cease to be mother.
In her world, She will be mother until she is dead.
She will act as mother for that is her role towards me in life.
She hasn't changed it, nor does she feel the need or desire to not be my mother.
No matter, IF I have estranged myself from her.
She gets to pop in unannounced and unwanted.
I have to accept this.
If I had control, I would silence her.
I do not control her world.
She has free will and uses it.
She doesn't see the harm she wields.
By entering into my life.
My control is my response.
Giving her freedom, ends the cycle of abuse.
Abuse is about control.
My job is to welcome her words to appear.
Breath in... by accepting her boldness and her lack of regard for boundaries.
That is who she is.
My focus has to be on who I am. My greatest tests in this life was to become different than she.
What I don't continue, is my forgiveness.