I am not sure what an adrenaline rush is, or over the top excitement, the kick people get by doing scary things, but maybe I felt that as I skied the Great Bear Chase.
Would it be possible that what some people call adrenaline, I call fear?
Is the rush putting yourself close to the edge and careening almost out of control that is the rush?
What I do know, is that rush of it all, was more draining on my emotions than on my physical strength. Sure I was tired, but I was more emotionally drained.
I haven't experienced being in fear physically in a long while.
Not only in fear of going down hills out of control; but actually doing it. I almost wanted to close my eyes and open them when I landed. I didn't know how to try and control myself on the hills.
It was as if seeing a beginner, try.
To see how it went.
It was sorta scary the futileness I felt about landing standing on my skis and the daring I had to just let go, knowing it had a 90% chance of ending poorly.
When I went down the Hairpin, I was in the tracks, and when I approached the bottom, in a crouch, it wasn't far to the ground, the landing was much less impacting.
Coming down the groomed, icy no track hills, was sheer insanity.
I felt my precariousness, over and over again.
It is one thing to do one hairpin.
It is another to do a different kind again and again.
What is also weird, is that even if I walked, I was still feeling fear of the trail.
Instead of getting back my control, or feeling in control, my insides didn't calm down until the finish line...and even after I was home, there were aftershocks of shaky limbs.
It was like my body's nerves were being held in check until I was under a quilt sipping tea!
And, retelling of the event the first time, had me shaking.
Fear, adrenaline, terror, rushes, excitement maybe are too close to abuse and its emotions.
Could that by why I have unknown fear of things I have never tried.
It is not the event; but the emotions that come with it.
I will still be in fear of hills that are not tracked, but I will try and capture my control early by keeping me and other skiers safe, as I walk down the hill...and then commence my skiing.
It takes a special set of courage to do that which is unknown.
I feel that I had courage to even begin, after seeing the start of the race to have a hill with no tracks and fairly icy, and for the first downhill slope to have no tracks. I could at that time been mere minutes from the safety of my jeep, instead I took the long way home, 10 Kilometers and I was back where I had started.
Emotionally and physically challenged and stronger because of it!
The hills won't scare me, for I know which ones to attempt and which ones to walk.
As I quilted this quilt, it came to me, beginners and trick skiers have a lot in common, our moves are quite insane!
To me, it took more courage to attempt the hills, than those who have traveled down a thousand successfully.
Daring to try without skills, is being in fear and going anyway.