IMPERFECT Lady

What will you tell your daughters...

I listened to this poem on Ted Talks and it's the backbone question "What will you tell your daughters..." that motivated me the most to change.

 

She is speaking about a year, and I, a lifetime.

When something happens in our lives, we always have a choice and that choice will reflect who we are, who we stood for and what mattered most.  It echoes not only in our lifetime; but becomes the legacy of our family.

 

"When she asks you of this year, your daughter, whether your offspring or heir to your triumph, from her comforted side of history teetering towards woman, she will wonder and ask voraciously, though she cannot fathom your sacrifice, she will hold your estimation of it holy, curiously probing, "Where were you? Did you fight? Were you fearful or fearsome? What colored the walls of your regret? What did you do for women in the year it was time? This path you made for me, which bones had to break? Did you do enough, and are you OK, momma? And are you a hero?" She will ask the difficult questions." Chinaka

I do ask the difficult questions, I want to know.

How you answer, is who you are.

Over the past many years siblings come in and we struggle to connect.  

I wondered if it was my expectation....and then, even, what an expectation was.

Its definition, "a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future."

Where we fall short with each other is how we answered the tough questions?  

It isn't about denial as much as I once concluded, but rather their answers to life's questions; and mine.

As my mother's daughter, I did want to know.

And didn't.  

I didn't want to know how short my mother fell from being my hero.

Or my sisters...

"She will not care about the arc of your brow, the weight of your clutch. She will not ask of your mentions. Your daughter, for whom you have already carried so much, wants to know what you brought, what gift, what light did you keep from extinction? When they came for victims in the night, did you sleep through it or were you roused? What was the cost of staying woke? What, in the year we said time's up, what did you do with your privilege? Did you sup on others' squalor? Did you look away or directly into the flame? Did you know your skill or treat it like a liability? Were you fooled by the epithets of "nasty" or "less than"? Did you teach with an open heart or a clenched fist? Where were you?" Chinaka

This poem answered for me the hard question of why am I so reluctant to re-build bridges, walkways, pathways, connections with my estranged family.

We would answer this poem differently.

We are different in the areas, that I find extremely important.

Our estrangement is not shallow.

The answers I receive don't inspire me for connection.

I am proud of how I answer this poem.

I can speak my truth of courage and the cost of staying awake.

"Tell her the truth. Make it your life. Confirm it. Say, "Daughter, I stood there with the moment drawn on my face like a dagger, and flung it back at itself, slicing space for you." Tell her the truth, how you lived in spite of crooked odds. Tell her you were brave, and always, always in the company of courage, mostly the days when you just had yourself. Tell her she was born as you were, as your mothers before, and the sisters beside them, in the age of legends, like always."

"Tell her she was born just in time, just in time to lead."

Chinaka Hodge

What will you tell your daughters, sisters, friends....?

 

 

 

 

Be where your feet are!

I am not sure if the FALC would consider themselves "Fundamentalist" but the article below certainly helps explain a lot of what I have experienced.  It explains how anyone outside of their religion is wrong.  Period. 

http://www.rawstory.com/2016/11/the-dark-rigidity-of-fundamentalist-rural-america-a-view-from-the-inside/

Here is a paragraph that explains so much.

"Religious fundamentalism is what has shaped most of their belief systems. Systems built on a fundamentalist framework are not conducive to introspection, questioning, learning, change. When you have a belief system that is built on fundamentalism, it isn’t open to outside criticism, especially by anyone not a member of your tribe and in a position of power. The problem isn’t “coastal elites don’t understand rural Americans.” The problem is rural America doesn’t understand itself and will NEVER listen to anyone outside their bubble. It doesn’t matter how “understanding” you are, how well you listen, what language you use…if you are viewed as an outsider, your views are automatically discounted. I’ve had hundreds of discussions with rural white Americans and whenever I present them any information that contradicts their entrenched beliefs, no matter how sound, how unquestionable, how obvious, they WILL NOT even entertain the possibility it might be true. Their refusal is a result of the nature of their fundamentalist belief system and the fact I’m the enemy because I’m an educated liberal."

Trying to get this belief system to hear the outside IS near impossible.  

While this article may seem a bit "out there" it is completely true in my experience.  The bubble they live in is not conducive to any other perspective etc.

This writing has affirmed my journey in trying to shed some light on the topic of abuse within the church.  Me, speaking from the outside is immediately doubted.  Not because of what I say, but because of their belief system.  I knew this...and yet have not been able to articulate it as well as this article.  I know it is about politics; but it can be about anything.

Their minds are not open to anything outside of their circle.

In one of my latest exchanges on Facebook, my speaking of abuse and those IN the church speaking of abuse are heard completely different.

My frustrations on this two-sided view point, where I am seen as the devil and the one who wants to take down the church....and the other as kind and wiser, is now more clearly explained.

I don't know how the church, within its belief system, will be able to Heal victims of abuse and/or get the abusers to turn themselves in. (which was suggested from the pulpit)

The article suggested  a changing of minds can only happen when it becomes personal.

Someone else had suggested this to me. That change wasn't going to come from the outside; that it had to start inside of the church.  After this article, I would have to agree.

The writings on this blog have been for me to understand me; mostly by seeing them, which was where I came from.

It is so very hard to explain and see clearly the closed mind.  It is a rock wall of insanity; with no cracks to let the light in.

The beliefs are not founded or based in reality.

Which makes it harder to argue against.

You are not matching wits, you are talking to a deaf wall of righteous beliefs - beliefs in a system without checks and balances or even facts or equality or humanity.

How can you relate or appeal to their senses; when the System cloaks them completely.

I am the problem.

Not their closed mind.

Not their system.

It is easier to see me as being wrong than their system.

For they have built their lives, raised their children and passed on the poisonous mind to each new generation.

What would happen IF they found out they were wrong?

How much of their world would they lose?

Would they too, find themselves standing alone outside of their family?

I may be alone.

I may be seen as mental.

Yet I am forever grateful that somehow I fell out of that fundamentalist mind.

The difference of living in the system of fundamentalist and outside is polar opposites.

Like breathing or not breathing.

Love or indifference.

Freedom and imprisonment.

Those imprisoned in the system can't even blame their jailers, for it is their own mind.

The real war will happen in their minds.

I literally had to write it out on paper how the mind was seeing reality compared to how reality was. 

I couldn't trust my mind.

It had been created within the fundamentalist system.  In order to get out of it completely, I had to keep writing and seeing it on paper.

This may make complete nonsense to many. But, it was to unravel your sense of the world while being that mental mind.

I have often sat in awe of the journey out of there.

To awaken to the fact that I had based my life upon a world that didn't exist...a me that wasn't real and it was from there I had to reclaim me.

Find me.

It was to wake up in a world that was completely insane and in my case evil.

The devil and the evils of the world were not 'out there' but in here.

In my family.

In the religion.

In my mind.

In the bubble of the fundamentalist mind, church and family.

I have been asking IF I should be trying to go back in to the church and help others in there.  If I am being uncompassionate to concentrate on those who are already out.

This is another answer from the universe.

Change will come; when it is personal to them.

Their journey, will happen like mine did. When you can all of a sudden see, that which you didn't see before.

What I know for sure, is that the fundamentalist can only see what those in power want them to see; all else is blind to them.

It will not be IF I can say it correctly or prettier, kinder, with more compassion. It isn't up to me. 

Something personal or catastrophic will tumble them out.

I can, without guilt, go and be me.

Completely free!

How difficult it can be, when your feet are not free!

"Be where your feet are" is freedom to me!  It is more precious because for so many years I didn't live or was aware of where my feet were.  Another quilt that is coming is "LOVE your NoW!"

Today, "Be where your feet are!"

 

 

 

 

Standing Firm with Pete Rollins...Robcast

 

 

Above is a podcast that echoes some of what I have been thinking about since the results of our latest presidential election.

What is interesting about this conversation is it is with a gentleman who was raised in Ireland...so, he understands when a country is divided.

Very insightful -my calmness was explained as well. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tribal shaming

There seems to be a disconnect in our minds about the statistics of abuse; that 95% of the crimes are with someone we know and of that percentage, 50% is with a family member. 

We are not sitting with, and feeling this. The very people who we were raised with...are the most likely to hurt us.  We were born into an abusive circle.

How can we be objective, when we were born into these circles. They are the only "normal" we know.  

The patterns were firmly in place when we arrived.

It is to take what we have always known and dissect its very existence. 

To not look further than our family of origin...and their friends.

We will not be treated very kindly when we are looking for suspects at the dinner table.

What is the hardest hurdle to get over is that your abuser(s) are part of the inner circle.

It feels like betrayal and you will be treated as IF you have betrayed the family code.

And you have.

You are breaking the code of dysfunction.  

 

Elizabeth Gilbert wrote a long piece on Facebook on April 10,2015  It shows the tribal nature. I believe this helps explain the struggle to heal from family matters.  

It is long, but very informative and affirming!

BEWARE OF TRIBAL SHAME!

Dear Ones -

OK, my friends — this will be a long post!

In fact, this will be the longest post I’ve ever written here on Facebook — but I also think that perhaps it’s the most important.

I want to share with you some revolutionary new ideas I’ve heard recently about emotional health and wellbeing. I came upon all this information just a few months ago, and I can’t stop thinking about it and talking about it with my friends and family.

This has been some really life-changing stuff for me — some of most life-changing stuff I’ve learned in ages — and I want to tell everyone about it!

It will take a while to explain this theory, but if you have the time…stay with me, OK?

I think you may find it’s worth it.

☺

I recently came upon the work of one Dr. Mario Martinez, who is a clinical neuropsychologist, and the author of a book called THE MIND-BODY CODE, which you can find right here:

http://amzn.to/1H2JPIf

(You can also listen to a fascinating interview that Dr. Martinez conducted on the SoundsTrue network with Tami Simon, if you download the INSIGHTS AT THE EDGE podcast. A lot of the information in this post comes from that interview, which you can also find here: http://bit.ly/1FzaBWL)

Dr. Martinez has spent his life studying the ways that our thoughts and emotions affect our physical health. He is particularly interested in the harmful ways that SHAME affects the mind and body.

And he is especially focused on the powerful and negative effects that TRIBAL SHAMING can have on the human body, and on our emotional lives.

What is tribal shaming, you ask?

OK, here goes:

Walk with me through this…

So...we are all born into a certain tribe, right?

This tribe can be our family, our religion, our neighborhood, our nationality, our culture, etc.

Tribes are important to human beings — in fact, they are essential. There is arguably nothing more vital to the ongoing existence of the human race than the cohesion and protection of a tribe. Our ancestors endured the fight for survival in the ancient world only because they clung together and shared resources. Even today in the modern world, tribes are still absolutely essential. Tribes keep babies alive and old people safe. Tribes care for the sick and the weak. Tribes provide protection, nourishment and warmth to vulnerable individuals (and we are all vulnerable individuals at some point or another)…but most importantly, tribes provide MEANING.

Simply put: Our tribe of origin tells us who we are.

Our tribe tells us what to believe and how to behave.

Each tribe is governed by its own rules. These rules constitute the honor code that defines every tribe’s essence. No matter what the tribe, these rules are always sacred — and must be sacred — because without those rules, the collective will fall apart, and without the collective, individual people are doomed.

Oftentimes, tribal rules are LITERALLY sacred. These rules are often composed of strict religious commandments and edicts that must be obeyed rigorously, sometimes on pain of death.

But even when tribal rules are more subtle than literal commandments, they are still sacred. Every family is tribe, and therefore every family has its own moral and cultural code — its own guidelines that signal: THIS IS HOW WE DO THINGS AROUND HERE.

Thus, the people who raised you injected you with certain rules, habits, morals, and standards. The rules of your tribe might have been lofty (such as: “IN THIS FAMILY, WE ARE ALL RELIGIOUS FUNDAMENTALISTS”) or the rules might have been lowly (such as: “IN THIS FAMILY, WE ARE ALL ABUSIVE ALCOHOLICS”) or the rules might have been insanely contradictory (such as: “IN THIS FAMILY, WE ARE RELIGIOUS FUNDAMENTALISTS AND WE ARE ABUSIVE ALCOHOLICS”)

Whatever the situation, though, the rules were definitely the rules, and they were made quite clear to you from the beginning.

In order to remain safe and accepted within the boundaries of the tribe, you must follow these rules.

Maybe as you grew up, those rules continued to make sense to you. If so, then you got lucky. Because then your life’s course is clear — all you need to do is obey your familiar tribal rules (and pass those rules down to your offspring) and everything will be safe and clean and simple.

Or maybe not.

Maybe as you grew older, you found that your own values and morals and standards and aspirations were completely different than those that had been taught to you by your tribe of origin.

Maybe you realized that you didn’t WANT to be a religious fundamentalist.

Maybe you didn't want to be an abusive alcoholic.

Maybe in your tribe, nobody gets a formal education — but you wanted to go earn a PhD.

Maybe in your tribe, everyone is expected to get a higher education — but you never liked school, and couldn’t finish.

Maybe in your tribe, girls are supposed to become mothers at a young age and never to work outside the home — but you wanted to be a childless career woman.

Maybe in your tribe, everyone is expected to be a farmer — but you wanted to be an artist.

Maybe in your tribe, everyone is expected to be an artist — but you wanted to go into business.

Maybe in your tribe you were taught to be suspicious and hateful of strangers —but you wanted to love the world with a more open heart.

Maybe in your tribe, it’s considered deeply wrong to be gay — but you happen to be gay.

Maybe in your tribe, you were taught to expect nothing but poverty and oppression and deprivation out of life — but you saw the world differently, and wanted to expand your mind into a field of joyful abundance and prosperity.

In other words, maybe the rules of your tribe didn’t work for you anymore. Maybe you decided to break your tribal rules, and choose your own path. Maybe you went out and found a new tribe, composed of people who felt more like family to you than your own family did.

And maybe your tribe of origin was totally OK with that.

Maybe your tribe celebrated your differences and cheered you on, and said “All we want is for you to be happy!”

If so, God bless them.

Because that is rare.

Chances are, they probably were NOT totally OK with that.

Because it’s exceedingly rare for a tribe of origin to celebrate the departure of one of its members. They REALLY don’t like it when you break the rules. Remember — those tribal rules are SACRED. Even when the rules are totally dysfunctional and dark and insane, those rules are still sacred. Adherence to those rules determines cohesion, and cohesion determines survival — so nothing less than life itself is at stake here!

Or, at least that’s how the tribe sees it.

So….if you dare to leave your tribe of origin — or if you dare to question the rules of your tribe — it is extremely likely that you will be punished.

Sometimes that punishment can be violent and extreme —like: excommunication, shunning, disowning, physical abuse, or even murder (such as in the dreadful cases of “honor killings” of young girls by their own family members.)

But oftentime the punishment is more subtle. If you dare to leave the tribe, or if you dare challenge the tribe, the weapon that they are most likely to use against you is SHAME.

SHAME is the most powerful and degrading tool that a tribe has at its disposal. Shame is the nuclear option. Shame is how they keep you in line. Shame is how they let you know that you have abandoned the collective. Violence may be fast and brutal, but shame is slow…but still brutal. Shame is like a computer chip that the tribe implants into you, in order to be able control you and make you suffer — so that even when you are geographically far away from the tribe, they can still flip that switch and make you feel the agony of guilt over having betrayed them.

The tribe will shame you by saying things like, “Now that you’re a big fancy city girl, you think you’re better than us, don’t you?”

Or:

“Now that you’ve got a college education, you think you’re better than us…”

“Now that you don’t drink anymore, you think you’re better than us…”

“Now that you’ve lost all that weight, you think you’re better than us…”

“Now that you’re happily married, you think you’re better than us…”

“Now that you have a good job, you think you’re better than us…”

“Now that you speak French, you think you’re better than us…”

“Now that you live in California, you think you’re better than us…”

They will accuse you of being a traitor. They will use words like “abandonment” and “betrayal” and “disloyalty.” They will sometimes say these words as a joke, but you know damn well that they aren’t joking. They will remind you that you weren’t there where Dad died, that you weren’t there when your nephew was born, that you can never be counted on for anything. They will mock you, and then brush it off, saying, “Hey, don’t get so upset — we’re just joking. It’s all in fun.”

But it isn’t all in fun.

It’s dead serious, and it’s potentially deadly, because shame makes people sick.

Shame can literally take years off your life.

At best, it just makes you terribly, lingeringly sad.

Your tribe of origin is letting you know in no uncertain terms: “YOU ARE NO LONGER ONE OF US.”

Those words (spoken or unspoken) are the ultimate tools of tribal shame. Because nothing is more painful to a human than the accusation that you are a traitor. It is terrible to be told YOU ARE NO LONGER ONE OF US. (Remember, we are pack animals; we need the approval of our pack.) It is terrible to be accused of abandonment and betrayal.

In short — if you dare to leave the tribe, the tribe will shame the living hell out of you, and that shame will hurt you. Shame is a fierce and burning energy. The power of tribal shame is not to be underestimated. Tribal shame is capable of ruining lives, and killing people. Shame corrodes the soul. It also corrodes the mind, and the physical body. Tribal shame will make you sick. It will send you into a spiral of psychic misery and physical infection.

Dr. Mario Martinez been able to show how tribal shame rots people from within — keeping them in a constant state of inflammation, anxiety, unease, and disease.

But it gets worse!

Tribal shaming also sometimes causes people to sabotage their own lives — to abandon their own callings, and to jettison their own true paths, and to forbid themselves to be happy. It is often the case that people simply cannot endure tribal shaming any longer, and so they fail on purpose, in order to be welcomed back into the tribe — in order to “balance things out” again, and in order to become “one of us” once more.

Because here’s the really crazy thing about a tribe, as Dr. Martinez points out: THEY WILL ALWAYS TAKE YOU BACK IF YOU FAIL. They will always welcome you back home if you are suffering. They won’t love you so much when you are happy and successful, because that’s very threatening to them, as it challenges everything they believe. (If you do well in life on your own terms, at first your tribe may welcome you home as a returning hero, of course, but when they see how different you are from them now, they will not like your success at all — and they will shame you for it.)

But they will always take you back when you fail.

They will take you back when you are sick, when you are weak, when you are humbled and broken. They will welcome you back with open arms and sweet loving care, and you will once again be able to feel the warm safety and companionship of the tribe.

So here’s what people often do — they sabotage themselves, in order to come “home” again.

We make ourselves sick, weak, humbled and broken, in order to be welcomed home.

THAT’S how much we long for the approval of the tribe; we will even ruin our own lives in order to achieve it.

But at what cost?

(Remember, by the way — it is not only your tribe of origin who is capable of working this dark magic of shame upon you; it can be ANY tribe that you have joined and then dared to leave or to challenge. Friends, neighbors, co-workers, team-members, gang-members, political cronies, church-members, fellow drug addicts, fellow yogis, fellow book club members…any tribe can turn against an individual who dares to step out of line, or who dares to question the rules, or who dares to ascend beyond what is expected or allowed. And the stakes are always the same: Our way or the highway. Conform, or you will be eternally punished.)

I want you to ask yourself this question, in all honesty — have you ever sabotaged yourself, in order to be welcomed back into the tribe?

I have done it. I can promise you that — I have done it many times.

But I wonder if you have done it?

Did you drop out of school, so you wouldn’t be the only one in your tribe with a higher educaiton?

Did you commit a crime, so the tribe would embrace you?

Did you marry someone you didn’t love, so the tribe would accept you as being “normal”?

Did you start drinking again, or over-eating again, or smoking again, so the tribe would re-embrace you?

Did you subconsciously conspire to lose all your money, so you wouldn’t appear to be better than anyone in your tribe?

Did you get fired again, so you wouldn't appear to be better than your tribe?

Did you plummet back into depression and anxiety, so that you would never be happier than anyone in your tribe?

Did you hide your true sexuality, so your tribe wouldn’t judge and exclude you?

Did you pretend to believe in a version of God that you don’t believe in, so the tribe would not shame you or banish you?

Or did you bravely choose exactly the life you really wanted for yourself…but now you cannot seem to rest easily within it? You built the life you wanted for yourself, but now (even though everything looks good on the outside) you are making yourself miserable, anyhow. Are you walking around feeling eternally guilty, and exhausting yourself working so hard for the benefit of everyone else — just to keep yourself punished and shamed…because somehow your tribe of origin has convinced you that you do not deserve the abundance and happiness that you have fought so hard to earn?

ENOUGH.

Enough of all that.

Enough of the tribal shaming.

So what are we to do about it?

What are we to do, to combat the power of tribal shaming, and to feel free to pursue our own true paths in life — and, most of all, to feel free to be a SUCCESS? (And by “success” here, I mean not only a financial success, but an emotional success — a person who is happy and at peace, living as she feels she was MEANT to live…not necessarily how she was TAUGHT to live.)

Here comes the revolutionary part.

Dr. Martinez spends a lot of time working with people who have left their tribes of origin, or who have exceeded their tribal expectations, and who appear to have done very well in life, but who are suffering the consequences of “reaching too high” and doing TOO well in life (from their tribal perspective.) His goal is to liberate these people from the prison of shame, so that they can feel contented and easeful about themselves.

He does an exercise with them that I think is AMAZING, and which you can do at home. I did it. It’s pretty transformative.

It goes like this:

Sit quietly in meditation. Allow your mind and your breathing to settle. Then ask yourself this question:

“Who is the person in the world — living or dead — whom I would most need to abandon, in order to live my own true path with happiness and peace?”

It’s a heavy question.

Really think about it.

The answer may shock you. But allow that person’s name to rise up in you mind. Be 100% honest. Be 100% brave. Ask yourself again: What person in my life (or in my history, living or dead) would be most betrayed, if I were to become a happy, peaceful, successful and prosperous soul?

Really think about it.

Got the name?

Good.

Now, there is something that you must say aloud to that person. (You don’t say it aloud to the REAL person, of course — because they could never handle it, and they might not even be alive anymore — but you must say these words aloud to the IDEA of this person.) Here are the magic words:

“I am going to abandon you now. I am going to betray you now.”

HOLY COW!

That totally blew my mind when I first heard it!

Talk about powerful words!!!!

The reason these words are so powerful and radical is because they are the OPPOSITE of what we have likely spent our lives trying to prove to our tribe of origin. We have likely spent our whole lives trying desperately to prove to that person (or to those people) that we HAVEN’T betrayed them! We are constantly trying to show them that we HAVEN’T abandoned them! We break ourselves in half and exhaust ourselves completely (and maybe even bankrupt ourselves, or give ourselves chronic diseases) trying to prove that WE ARE LOYAL, and that WE ARE STILL PART OF THE TRIBE, and that WE HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG, and that WE HAVEN’T CHANGED AT ALL, and that WE WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU BEHIND, and that WE ARE STILL ONE OF YOU!

But it doesn’t work, does it?

Because they never really believe you, do they?

Deep down inside, you know that they still consider you a traitor, don’t they?

Because they are letting you know that you're a traitor.

No matter what you do.

Because they know (and you secretly know it, too) this truth — you kind of HAVE abandoned them. You HAVE betrayed them. You DID choose a totally different way of life. You HAVE completely changed. (Because you needed to!) You really are no longer one of them. (Because you would have suffocated to death, to remain trapped within that constricting tribal code.) You really HAVE left them behind. (Because that was the only way to become the person that your destiny called you to be.)

…and that’s all OK.

This is the radical part: You totally abandoned your tribe of origin, and that’s totally FINE.

In fact, sometimes it’s absolutely necessary.

If people never questioned or abandoned their tribes of origin, the world would never evolve. There would be no creativity, no exploration, no courageous leaps of faith, no reforms, no change, no beautiful transformations.

If you want to create, to explore, to leap, to reform, to transform, then it is necessary sometimes to admit that you have left your tribe of origin behind. You must hear yourself say these powerful words aloud:

“I AM GOING TO ABANDON YOU NOW. I AM GOING TO BETRAY YOU NOW.”

Which does not mean that you do not LOVE them. This exercise has nothing to do with love. You can always love them. That love can always remain intact. You can even still care about your tribe, and look after them with acts of generosity — none of that needs to change. This exercise is about a totally different issue from love. This is about breaking the spell of tribal shame. The only way to break that spell (Martinez suggests) is to take complete ownership of your own true path in life, and to admit to the consequences of leaving your tribe’s values behind.

(Another point: Curiously, after having done this exercise, I felt MORE loving toward those in my tribe who have tried to shame me over the years — because I felt like I understood them better. With that understanding, was easier for me to regard them with a lighter heart.)

Then comes the next step.

You must now (in your imagination) become the other person — the person who has been shaming you for years. And you must say to yourself (in the voice of the other person) these powerful words: “I completely understand. I forgive you. All I want is for you to be happy.”

Of course, it is exceedingly unlikely that the real person could ever say these words to you! To say that would be an abandonment of their own honor code…but you need to say them to yourself. You need to hold both sides of this imagined conversation.

Practice it with me.

You: “I’m going to abandon you now. I’m going to betray you now.”

Your Primary Tribal Shamer (speaking through you): “I understand completely, I forgive you. All I want is for you to be happy.”

Repeat, repeat, repeat…

It’s pretty freaking life-changing.

(I did this exercise myself, and I cannot even tell you how radical it felt, and how much easier I breathed after I said those devastatingly powerful words: I AM GOING TO ABANDON YOU NOW. I AM GOING TO BETRAY YOU NOW. I was also surprised about WHO I needed to say those words TO…and you may be surprised, as well. You may need to do this exercise with a number of people in your life. Just be honest — who would feel most abandoned if you were to become successful? Stop trying to convince them that you aren’t abandoning them. Let them feel abandoned. It’s OK. It’s what needs to happen.)

Dr. Martinez reports that — after people have done this exercise — their cortisol levels and stress levels drop dramatically, as do their levels of inflammation and disease. Because you are finally free. You’ve been carrying around that tribal shame forever, and finally you have begun to shake it off…

But, wait — there’s more!

Then comes the next step.

You now have to rebuild what Dr. Martinez calls your own “field of honor”.

You see, tribal shaming works because it attacks your deepest sense of your own honor. Every tribe is governed by its own code of honor, and once you have broken that honor code, the tribe will accuse you (overtly or subtly) of having no honor at all. This accusation is what makes you sick. This is what makes you suffer. Without a code of honor, after all, we are NOTHING — worse than dirt. So you must rebuild your own field of honor, in order to make yourself healthy again.

How do you do this?

You must do an accounting of your own life, and make a list of all the times in your life that you have been honorable. Start with earliest childhood — what was the first honorable act of your life? Go from there. Write it all down. Maybe you have not always honored the sacred code of your tribe of origin, but chances are you honored SOMETHING — perhaps your own creative path, or your truest friendships, or your curiosity, or the truth, or your work ethic, or your health, or a loved one, or your cat.

Write it all down. Focus on the true history of your own honor — for it is all in there. You are truly an honorable person. Honor is within you. You must rebuild that field of honor, because it is your only defense against tribal shaming, which will always seek to destroy your sense of honor in order to make you weak and to bring you back “home”.

Once you have done that, the last step is this: RIGHTEOUS ANGER.

Whoa!

Ready?

It goes like this:

You will know that you are standing firmly within your field of honor when your first reaction to attempts at tribal shaming becomes RIGHTEOUS ANGER. You will know that you are on the road to emotional health and recovery when a member of your tribe tries to shame you, and rather than absorb that shame and turn it into sickness and poison…you instead react with RIGHTEOUS ANGER.

Now, a quick word on anger: It is not healthy, obviously, to spend your life feeling furious, or to be constantly simmering with unspoken resentment. If you are a person like me, who tries to be big-hearted and forgiving, you have probably spent your life battling against anger and trying to eradicate it from your mind. But Dr. Martinez suggests that there is a role in your life for healthy anger, for appropriate anger, for RIGHTEOUS ANGER. Righteous anger is a fast, hot fire that burns up the poison of tribal shaming, and protects your own field of honor. This is the anger that rises up like a dragon and says, “Don’t you DARE try to shame me!”

This anger is correct and just and fair….and totally necessary for your health.

You are entitled to it. You must lay claim to it.

You are a person of honor who does not deserve to be shamed.

This is the anger that protects you from the wrath of the most judgmental people in your life (even the ones whom you love and adore — ESPECIALLY them!) Righteous anger even protects you from the wrathful judgment of the dead — for it is the case that the dead can still shame you from beyond the grave…or, at least, they will try to.

So learn to get angry, whenever you experience the toxic wrath of tribal shaming.

Be righteous about it.

Strike back.

Defend yourself — from both the living and the dead.

When you can do that…that’s when you will know that you are on your true path at last.

That’s when you will begin to be FREE.

That’s when you will have a chance at happiness and deep, satisfying health.

Whew.

OK, you guys…so that’s my speech today about tribal shaming!

I don’t know if this information will seem as radical and useful to anyone else as it does to me…but it has totally revolutionized my thinking. Now that I’ve been introduced to this idea of tribal shaming, I see it EVERYWHERE. I see people inflicting tribal shame on each other all the time, and I see people sabotaging their own lives and their own happiness in order to not betray the tribe.

And then there’s this humbling realization: When I look back at my own life, I see instances in my history where I myself have inflicted tribal shame upon others — and that makes me feel…well…ashamed. I have resolved to be on guard about never doing that again to anyone, and about being very careful not to use the powerful language of betrayal/abandonment/accusation against the people I love...people who may be changing and growing, as they need to.

Shame is powerful dark magic, and I don’t want to mess with it on either end. I never want to hurt someone like that again. And I never want to be hurt like that again, either.

For those of you who have stuck around to read this ENTIRE post — thank you!

This has been incredibly useful information to me, and I hope it will help you all to live a freer and happier life.

And thank you to Dr. Mario Martinez, for his years of pioneering research on this topic!

ONWARD, LG

 

I wanted this saved on my blog.  

I wanted to share this with so many who have had to leave, set boundaries and have limited exposure to their families of origin.  To show you the dynamics at play as we set out to create a new pattern for ourselves.  

 

I know me best.

I was listening to "On Living" by Kerry Egan in my jeep today.  

It is about a chaplain who works in Hospice.  

She speaks that we all are broken or cracked. That most of us have secrets we want to share with someone before we die.  

Which I agree with.  

What I don't understand is why people wait until they are ready to die, before they break their silences.

Imagine, if we all shared what we keep secret, we would no longer strive to be perfect; but embrace our imperfections!  

A world full of cracked and broken people being real.

She also spoke about not flinching.  I took, it as not looking away. To stare at the truth of our lives, of what happens and what is.  It is work to not flinch, she says.  Especially not flinching at your own life, its truths and the choices you have made and why.

To me it seems people become more real the closer they get to leaving the planet.  

What a shame it is to me...for it is to live a pretend life while alive.  And then in the very last moments of their lives experience their real self - but for only a short time.

I love living as my real self always.  I am so grateful I have experienced this now for over 12 years.

Yet, as I listened today, I felt grief for what I have lost in this life.

Relationships broken, that will never return to their innocence.

I am wounded, soft and vulnerable; wary.

I will not be able to open up as deep and wide with belief and trust. I will not share all of me; again. 

Even if, we mended fences, my brother and I lost a very special relationship that will never again be what it was.

I believe this loss has changed me.

Deeply.

Broken hearts are stronger - and- wiser.

I have lost the family connection that lasts a lifetime.  I don't have that with anyone from my childhood days.

My family ties are now all broken.

My brother was the last link into my completed past.

Others have joined my life in later years.  

In looking back at my life so far, it is about relationships, with myself.

The times I did flinch and look away, and now all the times I stare and do the work that truth requires.

In listening to another author speak "On Being" NPR - Mary Karr spoke about breaking down or breaking through.

I don't believe that my life is about breaking down; but rather breaking through.

My lost relationships with my family of origin have given me break throughs in my life.  Breaking free of dysfunctional and codependent or toxic lazy relationships.  Breaking through into a new pattern of how I am in relationships.

Mostly breaking through to being a separate being.

Strong within myself.

While I have experienced estrangement, perhaps it is more about breaking through the codependency.

Another piece Kerry spoke about was how our physical worlds change OR our perceptions.  One or the other will create a different life.

I would have to say, that my perceptions have totally flipped.

I see the world through new perceptions.

I see me with new eyes.

It was to die before my death.

This, I wish upon everyone.

To have a break through into living as the real you.

Each relationship that I had to leave or was silenced out of, has left me with wiser eyes, and a deeper knowing of who I am.

And, who they are.

I will ponder an open letter to my brother.

To see if I can articulate why our relationship ended.

Perhaps, why they all did.

To be left with a self I am learning to love in deeper and widening ways.

Maybe that is why I was segregated.

In order to see me without the perceptions of them telling me who I am.

Who am I?

Is that the biggest question that sits with you in the last hours of life.

Could this be why secrets are shared. For in the end, we all what others to know who we are.

I will not fear death for of all that I know... 

I know me best.

 

 

 

 

 

Deny Nothing

 

http://windsorstar.com/tag/ben-johnson

Above are links to the news story about a "fallen hockey player".

What is amazing to me, is how an act of rape is dealt with - in what is known as the rape culture.

What is rape culture?

Perhaps it is more the culture of denial.

How many, besides the court of Canada, believe that he did indeed rape this barely conscious girl?

How do we as a society treat these cases?

Who do we support and why?

How do we look upon the victim and seek all the ways she was 'asking' to be raped?

And, how do we also try and find all the good parts of the rapist as to minimize or reject his new label of rapist?

It appears that we as society, and his family, look for many ways to reduce the crime to nothing.  We seek to make her more worthy of rape and he less capable of doing it. To weaken reality to suit our various needs.

It isn't about reality, as much as it is about our various needs.

To me, only those who don't need him to be anything, can see clearer.

Those supporting his good image have the most to loose and their needs are high.

He was found guilty and sentenced for raping as Superior Court Justice Kirk Munroe ruled... "the girl was unable to consent because she was “near-comatose.”

What I know to be true in sexual abuse cases is that the perpetrator is most often not believed, even when there are many who speak out about his abusive behaviors.

My father was a prime example of rape culture, in that the majority of his family supported him.  Only a few actually treating him like a rapist and not a father.

These not unusual cases, the 'fallen hockey player' and my father.

It is the rape culture.

We as a society, don't often hold them accountable for their behaviors.

Instead we seek to find ways to support them until the crime all but disappears from their character.

He, my father, didn't have to lift a finger to change his character.

His family did it for him.

His wife.

So too, is the 'fallen hockey player' able to do nothing...but, show in reality who he is, and have his family rush to deny it for him.

This rush to deny IS the rape culture.

The victim then is left alone in reality of just who this man is.

She sees him as the monster who preys upon "near comatose" women. Or, in my father's case little girls.  

The rape culture isn't about whether it was rape or not, it is more about how we change our minds about who this person is.  

Another part of the article that caught my eye, was by his lawyer, "Johnson who is now married, is not a risk to reoffend." 

How does this even come into whether he will offend again or not?

I do know, that it was shortly after he was found guilty that he married.

I thought, he is trying to paint a better image.  A married man.

My father was a married man too.  

That did nothing to stop him.

They speak of him losing his dream to play in the NHL.

There were many and are many, who had dreams for him.

And, none of them include him being a rapist.

Whose dreams refuse to be changed?

It isn't about the now, but the potential of who he was to become.

The victim's life is forever changed.

Her potential is greatly reduced, due to the affects from being raped.

How has his rape affected her world and who she will now be?

As we look at this case of someone familiar to us, whether it is because we too were raised in the FALC and know the culture in how men are superior to women, what do we see.  

Will we see how women in the church are treated.

How men dominate.

How sexual abuse is covered up and silenced.

What are we willing to lose to see the reality of a young man raping?

My world was completely turned upside down when I fully accepted that my father was a sexual predator. 

As the 'fallen hockey player' registers as a sex offenders list, will his family then see who he is?

My father was on a list. 

It didn't change his status from dad to sexual offender.

Many acts occurred; but few were seen.

For if you see them, you have to change your mind about the character of the man you thought you knew.

Denial is the culture of rape.

Only the strong will see and be able to change their image of him.

Very few will.

However, it doesn't mean that a rape didn't occur or that he is a rapist.

All it means is that you don't want to see him as a rapist.

Reality is there.

You want to deny it.

For your peace and perhaps a dream you once had.

You don't want to dream, a dream that is a nightmare.

Where dad's rape and molest little girls.

Where hockey players with the potential to play in the NHL rape near comatose girls.

You want a nicer reality, than what is.

To accept what is, means you lose your rose colored glasses.

Denial is a preferred place to live.

It appears nicer.

Reality unkind.

Brutal even.

I live in reality.

I find peace there.

Even when fathers and hockey players fall.

I won't raise a finger to wipe away their stains.

I am not responsible for how they act.

I am only responsible to see what is.

To hear the broken silence of victims.

We don't break dreams.

We live with nightmares.

Reality holds all.

The good, the bad and the ugly.

We deny nothing.

 

 

 

Music of her soul

I have been listening to Jewel's book, "Never Broken" and her life story is quite amazing.

She understands, that you can't see reality UNLESS you have clear eyes.  I love this.

It isn't reality that changes and transforms; but our vision, or rather our minds.

Our needs color what we want to see and what we will discard.

Her relationship with her mother, ended like mine. 

She too had a distorted view of her mother for many years and it wasn't until the mask fell that she was able to see see what was really beneath. 

Once you see, you can't un-see.

I also loved how she described herself in the terms "Other" and "Self".

Other was her programmed mind.

And, she could tell the thoughts/beliefs were from other by the way they felt in her body.

This too, is how I felt my way forward.

I called mine "The Mental Lady".

Often, her voice sounded like my mothers. Or, mostly.

My inner soul's knowing and thoughts, felt much safer, softer, kinder, and loving towards me.  While this soul voice, or what I would call My Little Girl, often upset others for her actions were not pleasing to them. 

At 46 years of age, I finally began to live for me.

I don't know Jewel's songs.  

But, I know the music of her soul.

 

Had I not created my whole world, I certainly would have died in other people's. Anais Nin

I watched a video of a wedding, where the generations of old placed their hands upon the newly married to show the passing of Love.  

The first thought was, how awesome is that.

The second was the realization that even if no hands are laid upon us; the imprint and pattern of our parent's relationships are handed down.  Or perhaps we pick them up.

Their lives are replicated unless we actively work to do things differently.

What we do in our individual lives, affect the generation below us.

Certainly we can change the pattern, but it will require a ton of work.

My experience, is that in order to change the pattern of my mother, I had to walk away from her world.

She and I are doing life completely differently, in the things that really matter.

The love that is passed down is actually authenticity and truth of who we are beneath the roles we play.  It isn't about the marriage; but the people individually within the marriage.

When I was breaking down my denial, my husband and I didn't know where our marriage would be in the end.  I took our marriage and laid it on the living room floor.  I told him, to let the marriage be and let us each work on our own self.  

The person I was in denial and its blindness, was not going to be the person I would become.  Our interactions with each other would now demand a deeper truth.

I would be required to be completely honest.  Always.

More, I would only accept originality.  False or pretending wasn't allowed.

Our old marriage, had me being less than honest.  

Often my lies were lies of how I truly felt. 

My yes could really be a No.  

My truth was too terrifying to be included.

It had the power to leave me alone.

I can barely recall my old self and the one who went along to get along. Who silenced her true voice in order to 'feel safe'.  

Imagine, being untruthful was more safe than being truthful.

It is what my elders shown me.

Truth was not to be present in order to have peace and love.

Is there any love where truth is not welcome?

More importantly, what is a marriage if a person cannot be truthful?

The marriage is only as strong as the least truthful person.

It doesn't matter if one is pure truth and the other is not. The lie is what defines that relationship.  

What defines a great marriage is how much space is there to be completely yourself?  How safe is the environment for you to be you?  

My old self didn't have a clearly defined self.  I morphed into whatever the other person needed; blurring who I was.  I didn't know me.  But, I knew what the other person needed me to be.

I then became a more rigid structured solid defined person. 

Of course there were repercussions.

The old me went along and pleased others. My life was fitting into their lives without a ripple.

The new me wasn't so easily managed.

She bulked at things now.

She had boundaries and limits and ideas and feelings and was very eager to express them.

It was to be born again into Me.

To have Me in a marriage, instead of the pleasing person was completely terrifying.

It left the marriage alive and fluid and in the present.

Like life.

You never know what I will do.

Say.

Be.

Nothing of the past truly followed me.

For, I wasn't there in my past.

The past was for everyone else's world.  Not mine.

Now, my yes is a yes.  And, my no is a no.

I still am learning about me.

Who I am becoming.

My hands upon my child will be hands of truth in knowing who you are...and being brave enough to always be that.

You be you.

Imperfectly.

May the road to being you be colorful, delightful, and empowered.  My hands hold the courage to always be you.

 

 

 

More from "Trust" by Iyanla Vanzant

"To Trust or Not To Trust"

"It is impossible for people who are untrustworthy to become trustworthy simply because you want them to be that way. Trust is a matter of character. Some folks are untrustworthy because of the belief patterns that are tied to their past experiences. They may have  learned or come to believe that trustworthiness is not important. Others are untrustworthy as a matter of conscious or unconscious choice.  People show you who they are in what they do. This is not to say that people cannot change. They can.  Nevertheless, you must trust what you see people do and build your self-trust muscles until you have the capacity to say no to their inappropriate or unacceptable behavior the first time you encounter it."

"While it is possible to love untrustworthy people, continuing to place your trust in them is not wise. Trust grows from and deepens with intimacy. Trusting others requires that you first and foremost learn to be intimate with yourself. The more intimate you are with yourself, the more truth you can tell yourself about yourself. The more time you spend in contemplation of what makes you tick, the more you know who you are, and the more you will learn about whom you can trust. When you are not intimate with yourself, your attempts to trust others will always fall short because you will overlook the key elements and important signs revealed in their behavior."

"Self-intimacy fosters understanding. An understanding of yourself supports you in learning to see and understand other people. Understanding people is essential to your ability to trust them. This level of understanding is the result of the many small interactions and connections that occur over time. In the process, you learn to trust people's way of being: how they show up in the room, in the community, and in the world."

"Self-Protection"

"There is always an element of risk involved with trust, so you must be willing to risk being wrong about what you feel and sense. That means you must take precautions.  If protecting yourself by trusting what you know means hurting other people's feelings - so bit it. They can and will recover. However, when you trust yourself, your first thoughts will not be about anyone else, they will be about you and what feels right for you."

"Remember, when you do not trust yourself, you cannot and will not trust anyone else. Instead you will ignore your inner voice and intuitive inklings and tell yourself that what you feel is wrong. Why? Because your suspicions will not hold the other person in a good light. When you cannot face the truth, you'll find excuses for demonstrated bad behavior that provides a clear indication that the person cannot be trusted."

"Often you will ignore the warning signs because they are simply too stressful or too difficult to acknowledge. Or the circumstances go against what you want to believe, and accepting the truth would create a domino effect in your life. So you dismiss or deny the very clear intuitive and explicit messages you receive by expecting people to live up to a level or capacity of trustworthiness that they simply cannot or choose not to honor."

"Whey you do not trust yourself, what you feel and what you know, you will expect people to be who they are not. You will hope against hope that they will do things you already know they cannot do. You will expect them to be who you want them to be rather than trusting what you know about who they are and what they are capable of doing. This is not trust. This is magical thinking, and engaging in it will set you up for a big letdown. Trusting yourself is important when dealing with others because it protects you from repeated violations and devastating heartbreaks."

"When you trust yourself, you are able to read situations and environments, and people in the way that supports your personal boundaries and keeps you safe. Self-trust also equips you to communicate to others clearly regarding what is and what is not acceptable. You know what feels right and what does not, and you do not question what you feel in response to what others may do or say."

"Never measure your inner clarity in response to what someone else may say or do.  When you trust yourself, people cannot talk you out of what you know from within. In fact, tell others what you know as a demonstration that they cannot and will not put one over on you.  You then have the ability and willingness to alter your behavior in a way that protects you and promotes an environment in which you feel safe, and environment you can trust."

"When you trust yourself, you know that it's okay to see people as they are without feeling bad when what you know does not put them in a good light. When you know certain people have a propensity for dishonesty, there is no need to feel bad about it. Trust yourself enough to take precautions about how you participate in their stories and activities and adjust what you expect from your interactions with them accordingly. When you trust yourself, you don't feel bad about knowing the truth about yourself or anyone else."

"As human beings we want to think the best about everyone. But the truth is, not everyone can be trusted. Some people are at a place in their own growth and learning where they do not honor themselves enough for you to trust them. It is also true that some people, at their current level of development, do not deserve to be trusted.  Yes, people can change. Yes, people deserve a second chance.  Yes, there will be those instances when you'll think everything seems fine, only to discover later that it was not. When you trust yourself, you will take clear, definitive action the moment you feel an inkling or see a sign that something is off.  In learning to trust others, you must learn how to distinguish between your current inner knowing and your judgement about people's past or past behaviors."

"Trusting others requires a level of intimacy, a depth of understanding, and clear evidence that the people being trusted have the capacity to honor and live up to your expectations."

"Performance Data"

"Trusting others is both a logical and an emotional experience that requires that your head and heart come into an agreement. Logically, you learn whether or not you can trust people by calculating the risk involved.  You may have faith in human nature and potential; however, you must also trust what you know based on what you have seen and experienced. In business this is called performance data."

"Trusting others requires that you gather and access the data being provided through communication and behavior before you invest your trust. This logical assessment has nothing to do with expecting people to "earn your trust,"  To do that is to ask others essentially to guarantee to you that they will not make any mistakes as they learn to live up to your expectations. That is not going to happen! People will make mistakes, and in doing so, they may hurt your feelings or sensibilities. This does not mean they cannot be trusted."

"The logical assessment that is required in learning to trust others means that you must determine, through intimate contact and communication whether or not who they are and what they do, keeps you safe. And whether or not the way they are being with you feels honorable and honest. When people never show up when they say they will, or when they always have an excuse or reason for not doing what they say they will, you can draw the logical conclusion that they probably cannot be trusted with more important things, like your heart."  Iyanla

 

I believe without self-trust you cannot get a true read on the outside world; you will do what she calls "magical thinking".  You will live in the land of make-believe, hoping against hope that things will not turn out as they truly ARE; but as you want them to be.

What I know to be true - for me - is that I lived for 46 years in the land of magical thinking and ignored how my body felt.  IT did not change reality, it only allowed me to deny reality.

I also love, that I don't have to feel bad for knowing and seeing other people's truth. It is not my view of them that decides who they are; it is their behavior.  I know this seems elementary; but when you are raised in dysfunction we are taught to believe it is our job to make others shine.

This codependent living creates zero self-trust; for we are going against our feelings in order to make others look good.  And, it leaves no choice. We have to engage and trust in those who fail us time and time again.

I love my new self-trust.  

I love how it feels and how in sync with reality I am.

I don't feel sad or feel the urge to apologize for someone else's poor behavior.

OR when my sharp stare sees who they really are.

We had a phrase in my childhood "Believe A Head".  Where we were gullible and I am sure lived in magical thinking.  I no longer live there.

I think a real Badass is someone who trusts themselves completely!

 

 

Responses Matter to All

Social Media is a buzz about Brock Turner; the Stanford Rapist and his lenient sentence AND his father's response.

We all are responding.

Some are sharing.

Some are silent.

Outraged.

Sickened.

What is not so shocking to me IS the family response.

This IS very very typical. 

Not unusual in the least.

It is also NOT surprising that the judge looked more closely at how the sentencing will affect the perpetrator compared to the victim.

In my father's case, he had many more victims and was still released with serving only a few short weeks. The family was part of the sentencing.  The family was willing to house him.  The family was more concerned about him than any of his victims. Their response mattered.  It showed their values and morals.

What is unusual is another father's response to Brock's father.

Fathers should be outraged.

How we respond IS how our children understand where our morals and values lie.

It is their guideline for moral behavior.

What does this say about a father who shrugs rape down to 20 minutes of action?

The strong males in our society should be outraged at this example of fathering.

They should be speaking out!

How we teach our children IS our response to bad behavior.

In my experience, those who sided up to my father or made his crime less than what it was, lost huge moral ground in my eyes. I no longer could trust their moral compass.

It matters how we respond.

Know this and own it.

It doesn't matter who the victim and/or perpetrator is, HOW we respond shows the world who we are.

And, at the end of the day, our responses are who we are; always.

I have continued to stand by the side of victims.

My responses are clear; my actions readable.

There is no part of me trying to make what my father did okay. All my words, writings, speaking out, speaking up and sharing publicly my sexual abuse by my father IS my response to abuse.

If each of us were impeccable with our responses our world would change!

The rapist's father responded like typical family members. They want their old image of the person to remain. The future to be unchanged.  They want nothing to come in the way of their family member. They do not want this one act (or a few) or many to stand in the way of their reputation. God, I wish this was unusual.  Family denial IS the reason sexual abuse is a generational legacy.

What is unusual is to be willing to stand alone outside of your family.

It is unusual to not stand by them.

It is unusual to draw a line in cement and let the chips fall where they may.

To be willing to support the victim and let the family celebrations die.

Oh how I wish my response was the majority. 

Victimizing women and children would start its decline IF we could all take a hard stand no matter who the perpetrator is.  

Imagine the life of a victim then.

To be fully supported.

To have the family turn towards you and away from him!

Please, don't think that Brock's father is unusual.

He is only doing what the majority of families do.

What you do with abusers you know or those who are in your family matter.

Each time you decline to hold the perpetrator responsible; you turn away from the victims.

I know it is hard.

Believe me, I have lived it.

But harder still is to watch good people do nothing. Good people make poor choices in order to do the easy thing.  To not take action is to actually take action for the abuser.

The man who I applaud is the father who wrote to Brock's father.

I would share his words; but I can't get to the website.

Hopefully its crashed due to high volume.

We need men to stand and say it is not okay to make light of abuse ever.  

We need victims to stand in their innocence! 

We need everyone to be outraged by slight sentences and belittle crimes of abuse.

Responses matters to all.