IMPERFECT Lady

Love to My Life.

The times in my life where I felt I had little or no control, the times were it seemed that the 'wrong' side was winning, the times where it seemed fear and hatred had an upper hand - it was then that I needed to lean towards loving kindness.

 

And turn my back and my thoughts away from them.

 

In the early days I was not good at this. I believed I could talk them into sense. I thought by pointing out the errors of their ways - I could right the ship.

 

What I failed to appreciate - all I was doing was spending my limited time on a fruitless endeavor.

I did learn though. I learned that perhaps the person I was talking to, was ME.

 

As the divide seems  to grow deeper and wider and the emotions lean towards fear and hate - I feel that some of us can also lean towards love, art, peace and joy. 

We can instead focus on our sphere of influence and define it by the things we want most in the world.

 

Isn't there a saying, you get what you put your attention on.

 

Just as worry is a poor use of imagination - so is speaking to those who don't want to hear.

 

What I know, is that I gave way too much of my energy and time and intentions to trying to change those who didn't want it.  Those who believe as they believe - until they don't.

 

I also find comfort in knowing it isn't easy to change someone.  For, I don't want their beliefs and ideas changing me.

 

Each of us are comprised of our morals and values and some of us can change our minds based on new information or life experiences. 

 

What I believe today, is a 360 turn from where I began as a young adult.

 

Mostly we need role models of goodness, courage, love, hope and strength.  Those who walk a walk of substance, resilience and thoughtful manner.

 

It is International Women's Day - and the women who I aspire to - are those whose lives have walked the hard miles.  Women who had every reason to live in hate, fear and grief - yet have rose above it.

 

In the moments where you have to accept the unacceptable - it seems you are given the space to chose light.

Perhaps some of us are naturally light leaning and others are ignited in division and hate.

 

I am not drawn to groups now who point fingers and blame.  I have experienced this and it left me alone and hollow feeling.

 

What I feel we need more of are ways in which we can bring more kindness to the planet.

 

In the moments where I wasn't able to change the minds and hearts of others, I knew that what they sowed they would reap.  I wasn't going to pile on their already overwhelming load of angst.

 

But, we can learn from them.

We can cultivate our lives to be more peaceful and understanding.

Something within them is drawn to negative energies.

"Birds of a feather flock together."

 

That being said, I want my circle to be with those whose hearts are filled with compassion and understanding - and space.  Space to allow others to make their choices - even when they don't align with ours.

 

Their freedom brings me my own freedom.

I am free to walk away from them.

 

Certainly there are things to be alarmed by - and yet we also know where our power is.  Who and what we can control.

 

There was a moment in my life, where the world seemed upside down and backwards and where evil seemed to be winning.  

I had to let it go.  

I had to let go of my ideas that I could sway this energy.

 

For the more I wrestled with it, the more I was entangled.

What is the saying "Never wrestle with a pig because you'll both get dirty and the pig likes it." George Bernard Shaw.

 

The fighting and engaging with minds and hearts that had no intention of changing, only messed with me, my life and my peace.

 

I had to walk away.

 

It wasn't in defeat - but in knowing that I wanted my life to be about love, peace, and joy.

It was a great lesson for me.

 

I was brought back to my tiny circle of influence - my life.

 

Yet, I believe that if the majority of humanity live lives of kindness - there will be more kindness.  

 

By changing my own inner awareness and challenging my own thoughts and beliefs, and by speaking what was true for me, I changed me.

 

It is easy to point fingers.

It is much harder to explore and examine your own life and the choices you make.

 

In the past, I was a woman who felt the patriarchs were suppose to have more power.

I was okay being voiceless and choice less.  It also allowed me to never be wrong - for I never made a choice - I followed.

 

I was old before I started to make my own choices and to go against the male and power structures. I know there are many who are frozen in the second place seat. 

 

I can't ridicule them - for they are me.

 

I also believe that the more women who are empowered and lead lives of strength and courage, it opens up space for others to follow.  

Here is a quote from Byron Katie that brought me much peace.

 

“I don’t know what’s best for me or you or the world. I don’t try to impose my will on you or on anyone else. I don’t want to change you or improve you or convert you or help you or heal you. I just welcome things as they come and go. That’s true love. The best way of leading people is to let them find their own way.”

 

I am at peace with my way and my intentions are to bring art and love to my life.

 

Are you sure you are right?

 

Do you think that most people believe that the way they were raised, the religion they were assimilated into and the beliefs they were taught, are Right.  

How do we even know how we know we are right?

 

I lived with right knowing for many years.

It never occurred to me to explore the other side.

The beliefs of my childhood - were part of being Me.

I never ever questioned the ones who gave me the beliefs or the religion and its rules.

They just were.

 

The things implanted as a child and my own childhood interpretation became a file in my mind. It's pathway unquestioned - I just believed it was right.

It is very telling that often religions are implanted into children;  an empty malleable mind.

 

What is implanted in childhood is often hard to unwind - for it absconds with body and mind before the child gets a chance to define itself.

 

These ideas are actually replacing the self.  A child in strict religions are made to meld into the ways of the church - but without a fully formed self - the child becomes the religion. 

 

I don't recall having freewill - I moved as the religion would have moved. 

 

I lived on rote.

 

I had to look up the definition - "mechanical or unthinking routine or repetition. a joyless sense of order, rote, and commercial hustle."

 

I had to chuckle at the joyless sense of order....in how aptly it described my early years... sadly.

 

The rightness of the religion in my mind was partnered with sexual abuse.

But, the sexual abuse wasn't recorded in the files.

My body held these truths.

 

When the sexual abuse wasn't recorded - my mind didn't see the abuse or act in accordance with it. It never existed - yet it did happen.

 

As a child downloading the religion and at the same time experiencing childhood sexual assault by my father - my mind files were *&%$ - to put it gently.  So not right -not even close.

 

I truly feel for my younger self living life with a messed up filing system and no real separate self.

She believed she was right and there was no one there to challenge her thoughts or beliefs.

In the religion, we were taught the sinful nature of our bodies.  I was never taught to honor my feelings, emotions and instincts.  

I separated from my body in sexual abuse as well.

I truly lived disconnected from my body and all its wisdom.

 

I am not certain I can articulate this.

 

Just because you believe something to be right, it doesn't mean it is.

"A lie doesn't become truth, wrong doesn't become right, and evil doesn't become good, just because it's accepted by a majority."

 

Knowing the cost of religion and sexual abuse upon my life and how it impacted the files in my mind, I can understand how others live this way as well.  It would be nice if we were all free thinkers and open to curiosity and wonder - but too many of us are locked behind a corrupt mind.

I wondered if corrupt was accurate - here is one definition. "made unreliable by errors or alterations."  This is very accurate. 

I also understand how scary it would be to know your mind is unreliable when the mind is you.  You don't want to know you are unreliable.

 

I truly was lost when the files in my mind were discovered to be lies.  I didn't have a self standing in the wings. I was 46 years old married with 4 kids and I didn't have a clue who I was - outside of the mind's files.

 

Yet it was the first time I was free to think and ponder and wonder and learn. 

It was an exhilarating process to go through the files I called right - to discover the lies and see the world completely different. 

 

I am willing to wager that there are folks on both ends of the spectrum with wrong right files.  And, they would be aghast at what they are proclaiming to be right.

 

Mostly what I know - is that I would not have been convinced otherwise. 

Here is a quote I love - "A man convinced against his will - is of the same opinion still " which came from the quote below.

 

“He that complies against his will, Is of his own opinion still” from Hudibras by Samuel Butler 

What is interesting - is that I misquoted this for years - I thought it was a MIND convinced against its will is of the same opinion still.  

 

Any one of them works.  

 

Knowing this and experiencing life with a closed not right mind - I don't believe we will change minds from the outside in.

I also know the strength of some minds and the steel grip it has on them.  My voice and my convincing will fall on deaf ears. 

"forgive them, they know not what they do" is one sentiment I can agree upon.

 

I wrote all that to say, are you sure you are right?

Another quote I love is by Dr. Jill Bolte-Taylor - "that the left brain takes the least amount of information and weaves the most plausible story."

Here is her talk - and she has a book "My Stroke of Insight".  She explains the parts of our brain and its differences. 

 

 

Imperfect Grandma

"Imperfect Grandma" - is the only book I can write.

I M Perfect and it is impossible not to be.  

 

I wanted to leave my grandchildren an idea of who I am, perhaps impart some wisdom - and since I have nothing to pass on from the generation before me - words and who I am are what I can give.

 

In the family ways, I am imperfect - I left my family.

And its beliefs.

 

Who I am and where I come from are not topics of most family holidays.

My childhood family traditions - feel unworthy - or perhaps it feels like cheating to carry forth pieces of what I left behind. And they are flavored by the dysfunction and estrangement.

 

As a grandma - I am seen differently - vastly different depending upon who you ask.

I am piece of my family that broke free - and there are many still being family without me.

My family tree is mainly - a limb - the branch who is estranged.

 

I am not the perfect grandma who is attached to a long string of women - well I am - but not ones I can celebrate.  The perfect strings hold love, trust, peace, hope, joy, caring, wisdom...  The strands and strings of my tapestry show the legacy of abuse.

 

In order to write about me, those stands are tangled into me - I am unable to separate them - they are a part - an integral part of me.

 

My history is part of me - and without that truth - you won't understand why I stepped away from family.  And, you won't know how I became the grandma I am today.

 

I have been pondering a book to write so my grandchildren have my story spoken from me.  I want them to know me - for there is much of my family I no longer know.  

 

More than me, I want them to know the history they come from on my side.

It is important to me that there isn't silence.

I want to find a way to share my story, my art and what I stand for - in a way that isn't too dark; but one I hope will inspire them to be themselves, to own their feelings, to speak their truth, to dare to stand alone, and to be okay being imperfect.

 

I want them to know, you can be at your darkest and still find a way back to joy.  To be broken and feel love.  To dance with the spectrum of opposites.

 

What is funny, is that I thought I could write the perfect grandma book - only to realize that once again, my team of grandmas are imperfect.

 

I can't write a perfect grandma book, for I am not perfect.

But it seems to me there will lots I can say about Imperfect Grandma.

 

I feel inspired by "Imperfect Grandma".

I feel relief being in alignment with imperfections.

I had to go look up imperfect - to make sure it will suit this grandma.

"not perfect; faulty or incomplete."

And I feel it does.  I was a faulty daughter, sister and even Aunt.

I do feel incomplete or whole - as in part of something. I am missing my family of origin.

 

While I am not broken - I am not whole.

Imperfect Grandma - is willing to go there and speak what isn't spoken.

 

The writings of Imperfect Grandma - feel right for me.

Perhaps I have the image

 

This is me - Proudly Failing at who they wanted me to be.  

Imperfect Grandma

 

 

Being Me

December 4th is a date that I most likely will always remember - the day that reality slammed into me and changed my world forever.

The day when a child spoke up that my father had sexually abused her.

I believed her.  

 

That moment in time - flipped my world right side up - and all that I knew - was no more.

 

Who I was that day - and who I am today - are light-years apart.

 

It was a day that broke my denial and made me aware of how upside down and backwards I was - a functioning dysfunctional.

 

So, the twenty year anniversary is more about me and my evolution than it is about anything else.

I lost a lot. There were things of my old life that no longer worked in my new awareness.

Things I had shoved down - came up.  

People I had no boundaries with - now have boundaries.

Unexpressed emotions from the past rushed in to be expressed.  I used my voice even if my legs were shaking. I grew up each time I spoke a truth others didn't want to hear.

 

Who I was and how I lived - made sense - coming from whence I came.

The piece of the puzzle - being abused by my father- was key to know - it explained a lot about me.  I am grateful for the piece - I was missing. It completed me.  My life made more sense with abuse in my past.  I understood me and my dysfunctional ways

 

The remnants of that old life are few and far between.

I am the person now - I needed when I was a child.

I like who I am and what I stand for.

I am without a family(of origin) and faith - and yet my life is full.

 

While I lost a lot - I gained more.

My whole life opened up that day and all the ugly was present - but so was the potential of so much good. 

 

I would not be eager to go and do it again; but I would to get to where I am today.

 

There is a lot of grief that lives in my heart - and for the most part it is soft and in the background.  I am okay with it riding with me.  It is a reality of my life.  

My heart though has expanded and grown - both with the deep sorrow and knowing the truth - and loving my wounded self and encouraging her to grow. 

 

What these past 20 years have taught me is that we are all on our own path and it isn't my responsibility to eradicate all the abuse - but to live a life that reflects my own morals and values.  Each of us are on the side of history that mirrors our character.

 

Twenty years later I know peace, love and joy.

Twenty years later I understand more deeply the price you pay to live your own truth.

Twenty years later I am a peace with who I am.

Twenty years later I am still a lover of realty and accept what is.

Twenty years later I am still learning and growing and becoming.

Twenty years later is a great start in being Me.

 

 

 

Our Friendship

A friend of mine passed away - I don't recall how many years we've known each other - over two decades or more. We bonded over our love of art, fabric, thread and talking about dysfunction and women's issues.  

She was older than me - a few decades or more.

Way more sophisticated and wise to the wonders of the world.  

Our pasts were so different - and maybe the times in which we were born, and our families.

Her view of the world was large and experienced. Mine was small and less so.

She carried lots of sorrow with her as she lived and loved.

 

We were a pair of opposites.

Learning from each other.

Working through our life lessons.

Sharing our unique experiences.

 

She was a cheerleader of my art and one that I respected for she was beyond talented with a needle and thread. Intricate detailed and precise - with wild abandon and an imagination that stretched out far. I guess I was her cheerleader too.

 

She lived her Dash...

 

I was only aware of her last few decades - much of her life had been lived by the time I met her.  In the later years we saw each other more - the more housebound she became.  We texted and shared the things we made and our lives.

She didn't like clutter or holding on to anything she no longer wanted or used. I became her hand-me-down girl.  When she gave me her last pile of treasures, I asked if her creative spirit was attached, she smiled and said "of course".  She was my fairy godmother of sewing supplies and her treasures are now sprinkled into mine.

She liked my texts, of nature and art and even my grandchildren. I was passing to her parts of life that seemed out of reach for her.

 

I asked her about if she slept lots now, and she said no - I am spending my time remembering.

 

I then sent her a text about all that I remember of her.  Her last text back to me was -

Thank you.

 

My phone lost a contact - a resource and voice I had come to love.

 

The world will be different without you.

They say if you want to be near someone you lost- to do what they love.

She and her spirit will continue to be with me when I create

 

May your spirit now fly - to horizons beyond your imagination.

Rest in peace was never for you - you wanted to be free and limitless - feeling alive and vital.  

 

I will carry you in my heart and feel the absence of where you used to be.

 

I am grateful for our friendship.

 

 

 

 

 

God's Free Will

Women's rights are a tricky subject - because what is actually being talked about IS not her by herself.  She is unable to find herself pregnant without a man. She can't make a baby on her own - the man carries a crucial piece AND this is not talked about.

 

His rights are never in question or limited.

 

A woman is left with the evidence that a man planted a child.

 

And she alone is judged and crucified for what she decides to do.

 

There is also a limited version of abortion - that is willfully used primarily as birth control - and that it isn't a heartbreaking decision that is for health reasons of a child or the mother.

 

Mostly there needs to be a wider version of the discussion and a more open view on what is going on.

 

Women are only one part of the equation - yet carry full blame.

Limiting women - on the other side of baby making - seems like shutting the door after the horses left the barn. Why not stop the baby making process at the gate.  Limit men from having kids until they can prove the kids are wanted and can be supported.

Limit the surgery decisions to the doctor and the carrier of the baby.

Leave the church and state out of it.

 

It seems unfair to reduce the limits of women and not look upon the man - at all.

What would be a fair discussion to have about a pregnancy - and its continuation - or even conception?

 

There are two people involved and only one is being addressed.

What is the saying - instead of pulling people out of the river - it is better to go up river and see how they are getting there.

 

What doesn't seem to be the right answer is to take away the woman's right to her own body - 

 

Also, what else has been bugging me, is that so many of the ultra religious women are voting to take away rights - when they themselves have little ownership of their own bodies.

 

They are not able to limit the amount of children they have.

They are not free with their own bodies and yet they feel they can limit others.

 

It seems that only those who are free to choose, should be voting.

 

What I have learned - in my experience - the freer I became, the wider my sense of accepting and allowing others to live their lives freely.

I  would not want others telling me what is right or wrong in my life - and I am not sure what is right or wrong in your life. 

 

What is right for me - doesn't necessarily mean it is right for you.

If God gave us free will - why are some feeling like it is theirs to control?

 

I am pretty sure it is a sign of dysfunction to control others. 

A society that has equal rights and freedoms is a healthy society - and/or religion or relationship of any kind.

 

There are three kinds of rights. "These are Natural rights, Moral rights & Legal rights. Legal rights can be defining in three categories. These are, Fundamental rights, Political rights & Social or civil rights.

 

What seems to be happening is the 'moral' rights of some are creating negative legal rights, that infringe upon the natural rights of women.

 

Those who can justify this - better know - that you too are at risk of having your natural rights taken away - with the right people in power.  

 

In the land of the free - it is not a positive to reduce someone's freedom.

 

Morals are what you believe to be right or wrong -

And these are personal and I don't feel should be imposed upon others.

 

Values - a person's principles or standards of behavior; one's judgment of what is important in life. "they internalize their parents' rules and values"

 

Free Will - Free will is the ability to make choices independently and without outside influence. It's linked to concepts like moral responsibility, praise, and culpability, which only apply to actions that are freely chosen. 

 

 

I guess in the land of the free - I would like to honor God's free will.

 

And He gave us free will—the ability to think, reason and make our own choice.

 

It would seem those who are supportive of religion and God, would want at the very least to give each of us God's Free Will.

 

 

 

 

Peace on Earth

We Vote today - a choice we will have to make - we vote each time there is a decision in our lives, our choices reflect our values and our morals.

Our vote typically aligns with our energy.

The candidate and their vision of the future - matches our own.

 

I am not certain any political ad or speech will sway us one way or the other.

Who we are - is how we vote.

 

We vote for what feels familiar or probably what is the popular vote among our family and friends.

 

We don't typically want to stand out and be different.

 

Trying to sway someone to vote differently - is to try and change their inner code - which seems almost unshakable.  However, if your own life has been upended, your inner sense of the world will change and you will renegotiate your values and morals.

And with new morals and values, your vote will change.

 

While voting on the president is a big deal, all of our decisions are big deals.  Each choice we make or don't make, will affect our individual relationships - with ourselves and those around us.

 

What we stand for or sit down with- matters.  

The accumulation of our votes leans forward thinking or standing still or trying to move backwards. The universe though I believe is forward evolution - albeit slow at times.

 

And it seems that some are okay taking away rights and others are not.  

If you are born and raised in a community that has limited your rights, it feels right.

Some have been limited their whole lives - living in a body that they didn't have the right over.

 

Hear that.  

They do not own their own body.

 

I know this - I lived for 46 years with a body that wasn't mine.

I wasn't able to do with it - as I wanted; but what the church felt was right or wrong.

I was nowhere to be found.

 

I understand when so many women step into the voting booth - how they will not be free.

Perhaps because I know the difference - I have a choice.  Others do not.

 

I didn't even know know - that I was not free. I only knew how to be a good person within the church and follow the rules.  I didn't look deeply at the rules or what they meant or how I felt or what their impact had on me - let alone how these rules excluded others.

 

It was just a sin to have total freedom with my body.

One of the bigger choices that is being voted on is women's rights.

And it is complicated.

Not a simple or easy conclusion.

But, oddly it would be IF it was about the Man.

 

Being a country of freedoms - some are limited by their religious rules. It will be foreign to vote for freedom of self. 

 

At the end of the day - when the votes are tallied, we will have a better understanding on how the majority feel and whose rights are being supported.  

Will humanity continue to grow and expand and become more aware and balanced or will we spiral backwards to limitations.  

While voting for the president is a big decisions, there are many real decisions in our own lives that matter in how we add to the wellness of humanity.  

We vote according to our limits - not the broad space of potentials.

 

How we respond to the election when it is all said and done and how we live with the candidate that is not our choice - will also be a choice.  

Our challenge in life is to live and be the best you can be within the systems that govern our country and community. The best way to govern is to lead with freedom.

 

In a perfect world, there would be peace on earth.

 

 

 

 

Moment of Time

How would you live life if there wasn't the application of forgiveness?

If all your actions were accountable and traveled with you?

Are there choices you would no longer make?

 

My views on forgiveness have changed completely.  I used to believe it was kind of me to wipe away sins from others- to forgive and move on as if that sin didn't happen.  This was kindness to me.

 

When applying forgiveness - it never occurred to me that - it was a mind game.

It was a thought process - and usually left me feeling resentful.

 

I was taught to forgive.

That it was MY way to heaven.

And it wasn't my business to care or judge the sins of others.  My 'job' was to act and feel that the 'sin' had been removed.

 

Forgiveness was the magic eraser - and we all then had to believe IT was gone.

It was a mind shuffle at best.

 

My mind was conditioned to do this magical exercise - and it didn't allow for my feelings or emotions or even the reality of what happened.  I was made to live in pretend land.

 

This land of pretend - often overlooks the hurt that is done - for I guess we don't forgive what is right. Only the wrong things.

 

When you are made to live denying hurtful behavior - you are only seeing one side of a person - the dark side isn't to be mentioned.  We live with the potential - but not the real.

 

This may seem like madness to those not raised on the forgiveness of sins.  It was the way of heaven.  In order to arrive in heaven one day - you must forgive and be forgiven.

Forgiven of sins.

 

Each church and religion have their own set of what a sin is.  

 

This tool often means you don't really really really have to change, you can repeat the behavior that is wrong - because there is this application to wipe clean what you did.

 

It boggles my mind now - that I lived believing in this. 

 

When you no longer have this tool - your choices matter more.

Again, what if your sins truly don't go anywhere, but those choices live upon your heart?

 

It was an interesting and horrifying visual to see the sins of my father being repeated for decades.  The sins (choices) were repeated upon new victims.   Forgiveness didn't change my father - rather it allowed him to sin again.

 

In my old religion (First Apostolic Lutheran Church) the focus only glanced briefly at the sinner - but we were made to feel worse than the criminal IF we didn't forgive.

 

The onus was on the victim to keep the reputation and character of the sinner in good standings.

It is a co-dependent relationship at best - but one where it is impossible to leave the victim position. And the sinner never appears to have to wear their sins.  They are often hidden by forgiveness.

 

Is it truly unkind to make others wear their choices?  

Living without forgiveness for almost 20 years has made me much more accountable to myself. I know the steps I take will be recorder upon my spirit.  

 

Perfection is not what I am aiming for - nor do I feel that it is up to others to maintain my character.  

 

No one comes in with all the answers or the right choices to make in life.  Each time life presents us with a choice, we will live with the consequences of that choice. It lives with us.

 

We are composed of our life's choices.

 

The poor choices I made while under the influence of a brain washed mind - live inside of me. The years of denial and blindness accumulated a burden of consequences that overwhelmed me when I understood that all I forgave - was for naught.

 

Forgiveness now feels like a swear word to me.

And kindness a cloak of blindness.

 

There is a meaning of forgiveness that resonates with me - "Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different, but we cannot move forward if we're still holding onto the pain of that past and wishing it was something else."

 

In giving up hope that the past could have been any different - it set me free.

I was made to sit with what is.

It is interesting how the pain did eventually subside once I sat with the lost hope.

 

Who knew that giving up hope for things to be different could be so life changing.

Without the hope of things being different - I could sit in what was - and I could feel the angst of the reality of the sins that lay at my feet - mine, theirs and how these choices create a pretend reality.

 

It seems insane that a life without forgiveness is so kind.

 

And, I am not even sure I use Hope anymore.  Not the hope that is like a prayer for things to change.

 

I just live with what is - and I am okay with the sins I carry - for I when I knew better - I did better. 

 

My heart's content holds all my life's choices - I carry the weight of my heart.

Without the hope that my past could be any different - I feel peace today.

And my future lives in the reality of this moment of time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Consequences of the Choice

“Cycles exist because they are excruciating to break. It takes an astronomical amount of pain and courage to disrupt a familiar pattern. Sometimes it seems easier to just keep running in the same familiar circles - than facing the possibility of jumping -and not landing on your feet.”  It Ends With Us.  Colleen Hoover

 

"It Ends With Us" is a work of fiction based loosely on her mother's experience.  

 

When you are born into a cycle that holds abuse - and you don't change the pattern, you are bringing your children into that same cycle.  My childhood love allowed bad behaviors.

There is a point where you are given a hard choice - to do something different or just go along not making waves.

The cycle you are born into wasn't of your own making - however - when you recognize the pattern is about to be repeated with you - you decide to carry on - or to stop.

 

Stopping is not in the family's legacy in most abusive cycles.  It will require great courage to abruptly stop.

I don't think most understand what it takes to end the cycles and legacy of abuse. 

It isn't words spoken or truth exposed. 

Creating a new cycle is more about self responsibility.  To see the cycle you are part of - and your hand in it - and then determining how it will go from you.

Will your children see you repeat your mother's pattern.

 

My mother's role in the cycle of abuse, was to forgive it away - and then carry on as if the abuse WAS gone. She blindly and repeatedly forgave, again and again and again for decades.  Even IF she wasn't the one abusing, She was the one allowing it to go on - by simply not breaking the cycle of forgiveness.

 

I know forgiveness sounds kind.

Compassionate even perhaps.

 

But forgiveness without action of distancing your self and your children from an abuser, is not kind. It is to be an accomplice.

 

There was a moment in my life, where the cycle became crystal clear to me - I saw myself in the cross hairs of the truth and where my mother's reactions and mine had diverged.  

 

Something inside of me merged with the truth and I was unable or even unwilling to let it go. In that moment a new cycle began. I didn't wipe the truth away with forgiveness.

 

Her cycle overlooked the child and their wounds.

My new cycle was to see the wound and who did it - and set up boundaries.

 

It comes with a cost.

 

And a reward.

 

The cost is to be in a cycle that is different from my family of origin. Who have continued on - forgiving - showing other abusers that they have nothing to fear.  Our family cycle was to turn a blind eye to the abuse and focus instead on family.  Loving them - no matter what.  No boundaries are set against bad behaviors, criminal or otherwise.  

 

Forgiveness was how my family cleaned up its messes.

 

The cost of forgiveness is for the child to bear.  The abused child carries the weight of pain and grief.  Wrestles with holding on to love - where love is hurting.

 

A new cycle begins when you decide no more.

When you remove yourself from the flow of familiar.

 

The excruciating process is when you step out - you are stepping out of family.

Most will not clap for you and cheer you on.

It seems insane, that you will have to traverse alone out of the cycles of abuse.

 

You are going against familiar and truly not knowing if the new way will land you on your feet.  Or are you going from the frying pan to the fire.

You can't know, until you are far far into your new cycle, if you achieved your goal.

 

In reading her book, it made it clear the emotional and heart wrenching task it is to break the cycles. Which is why very few do.  It is a lonely road.  

 

Labor Day weekend has become a reunion of sorts for my family of origin. Rumor has it this year it came with the spreading of my mother's ashes.  

An ending of an era - it would seem.

 

She has left her pattern downloaded in many.

Her cycles continue on.

 

If I look at my life from the vantage point of her family - mine is desolate.

However when I see me in my new cycle - it is bountiful.

 

My children now have choices of my old cycle or my new.

It isn't up to me to choose.

 

My part was jumping - and figuring it out as I go.

Using my body, heart and soul to decide what is an environment where children will be safe. 

I have boundaries.

and love that doesn't come with pain.

 

I understand the cycle of forgiveness - for you get to keep family.

I understand the cycle of boundaries - you lose family.

But the cost of forgiveness within families where abuse happens - continues to create new victims. Sadly, in our case small children.

 

My life's work is to continue on creating a new pattern - knowing it will impact the generations after me. 

 

Each of my children also will find themselves at a cross road and will get to decide which road they take.  What their own legacy will be.  

We are all free to choose, but as they say we are not free from the consequences of the choice.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Hollow Place.

Cognitive Dissonance - "Cognitive dissonance occurs when a person's behavior and beliefs do not complement each other or when they hold two contradictory beliefs. It causes a feeling of discomfort that can motivate people to try to feel better. People may do this via defense mechanisms, such as avoidance."

 

 

A friend used this term in a conversation we were having - and I had to go and look up the definition.  

"Examples of cognition include paying attention to something in the environment, learning something new, making decisions, processing language, sensing and perceiving environmental stimuli, solving problems, and using memory."

Dissonance means  - "lack of agreement. the dissonance between the truth and what people want to believe. especially : inconsistency between the beliefs one holds or between one's actions and one's beliefs compare cognitive dissonance."

 

This phrase struck a cord with me and seems to nicely encompass the land where I was raised.  

 

I was born into cognitive dissonance - where beliefs/faiths and behaviors were at odds.

Living in sea of contradictions leaves you without a solid foundation.

You build a self based on nothing.

 

The foundation of who we are lives in the connection of what we believe and how we act.  

 

What this means is integrity where our actions match who we are.

I looked up integrity to make sure.

"The quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness."

 

I was raised in a church that supposedly had high moral principles and moral uprightness - same within my family.   

 

I believe - they both believed it.  

I however have come to know, they couldn't act in harmony of what they believed.

 

It is easy to believe in something.

It is much harder to walk it out.

To stand against abuse often means standing against family.  It means to hold them accountable for behaviors.  There is no 'forgiveness' that will undo certain behaviors.  

 

Being raised in the religion where 'sins' could be washed away - leaves you living in a false land.  It forces you to not see what is right before your eyes and live more in your head - in make-belief world - separated from facts.

 

I know this sounds like insanity and perhaps it is.

To be born into cognitive dissonance, left me crippled cognitively.

It was normal for things not to match.

 

I didn't doubt them or correct them.

 

This also worked for me - I could have a lazy relationship with myself and others.

I didn't hold myself accountable - or others

I didn't speak a truth or feeling or stand up.

My lack of integrity was normal coming from whence I came.

 

After leaving my family and religion, I was drawn to nature.

Nature was.

 

A tree was a tree.

A duck looked like a duck, walked like a duck and quacked.

Anytime now when things don't add up - I am pushed back from them.

 

I no longer am okay with cognitive dissonance in others.

For often the reason they don't add up is that they are unwilling to dance with the truth.

They want their cake and eat it too.

 

I understand how my family of origin wanted a family - a father and mother - and not to instead act like it was a pedophile and his accomplice.

(An accomplice is defined as a person who knowingly, voluntarily, or intentionally gives assistance to another in (or in some cases fails to prevent another from) the commission of a crime. An accomplice is criminally liable to the same extent as the principal.)

 

I feel like I am now allergic to those who live in cognitive dissonance - for there doesn't seem to be a foundation of moral strength - where they can have correct action in the face of truths that are hard to be with.

 

It is easy to be in a family where there are no hard truths to reconcile or a religion that doesn't knowingly not report abuse.   You truly can't know the foundation of someone until you are faced with ugly truths.  

 

This phrase, cognitive dissonance is the content of my upbringing - and it has colored the actions of my siblings.  It is also the reason I am not interested in having a relationship with them.  For there doesn't appear to be something to hold on to.

 

At face value, it appears to be kind to forgive and move on - but sadly you are moving on without the truth.  

After living in denial and in the land of cognitive dissonance - I am unwilling to go back there.  

Inside of me knows, back there is a hollow place.