December 4th is a date that I most likely will always remember - the day that reality slammed into me and changed my world forever.
The day when a child spoke up that my father had sexually abused her.
I believed her.
That moment in time - flipped my world right side up - and all that I knew - was no more.
Who I was that day - and who I am today - are light-years apart.
It was a day that broke my denial and made me aware of how upside down and backwards I was - a functioning dysfunctional.
So, the twenty year anniversary is more about me and my evolution than it is about anything else.
I lost a lot. There were things of my old life that no longer worked in my new awareness.
Things I had shoved down - came up.
People I had no boundaries with - now have boundaries.
Unexpressed emotions from the past rushed in to be expressed. I used my voice even if my legs were shaking. I grew up each time I spoke a truth others didn't want to hear.
Who I was and how I lived - made sense - coming from whence I came.
The piece of the puzzle - being abused by my father- was key to know - it explained a lot about me. I am grateful for the piece - I was missing. It completed me. My life made more sense with abuse in my past. I understood me and my dysfunctional ways
The remnants of that old life are few and far between.
I am the person now - I needed when I was a child.
I like who I am and what I stand for.
I am without a family(of origin) and faith - and yet my life is full.
While I lost a lot - I gained more.
My whole life opened up that day and all the ugly was present - but so was the potential of so much good.
I would not be eager to go and do it again; but I would to get to where I am today.
There is a lot of grief that lives in my heart - and for the most part it is soft and in the background. I am okay with it riding with me. It is a reality of my life.
My heart though has expanded and grown - both with the deep sorrow and knowing the truth - and loving my wounded self and encouraging her to grow.
What these past 20 years have taught me is that we are all on our own path and it isn't my responsibility to eradicate all the abuse - but to live a life that reflects my own morals and values. Each of us are on the side of history that mirrors our character.
Twenty years later I know peace, love and joy.
Twenty years later I understand more deeply the price you pay to live your own truth.
Twenty years later I am a peace with who I am.
Twenty years later I am still a lover of realty and accept what is.
Twenty years later I am still learning and growing and becoming.
Twenty years later is a great start in being Me.