IMPERFECT Lady

The Loud Few

When I read in the paper - " the silent majority are just dying to speak up" - I thought how confused they are.  The Silent Majority doesn't speak up.  They don't go in parades that would show their sides. They are silent.

Here is the definition of the Silent Majority.

"The silent majority is an unspecified large group of people in a country or group who do not express their opinions publicly."

 

When you are in a Trump train of vehicles - you have stepped out of the silent majority and have chosen a side.  

 

I am confused.

By how so many self proclaimed conservative religious folk  (FALC and Old Apostolic )are supporting Trump.

I cannot see how they can overlook so much about him.

I feel that who he is, what he stands for is at odds with their principles.

Yet, maybe their principles are now showing.

 

Their religious values don't seem to meld with his character - or do they?

 

When the book and the bird disagree - believe the bird or  

Birds of a feather flock together.

 

Something between the two seem to match - it may be deeper than just the outer words.

The systems they both use?

I truly am confused by how vehemently they have thrown their support for him.

 

I also wondered if politics and religion have ever been so closely aligned or in bed together?

I don't recall the actual political leaning of my old religion.  If it had one, I wasn't aware.

Do religions pick candidates?

Or do most churches remain silent.

 

Again, the character of the man - and the character of the folks within these strict religions has to match.

Or, what are you drawn to when you vote?

Do you vote for a person's character?

Is it possible not to have your character involved in being president?

Or more, does character matter in your religions?

In your partners, and friends?

When does character matter?

I have more questions and puzzlements with the strict religions in our area who are so loud about Trump.

I just truly don't get it.

And, then I do.

 

I do understand the juxtaposition, the sleight of hands, the facade and the truth.  My experience of what I thought the church was and what it turned out to be, was completely the opposite.

It was empty of the morals and values I believed were there.

 

A part of me is still fighting for the church.

For it to have deep rooted morals and values, to have humanity at its core.  

And yet,  many of you are showing me, affirming my experience, that the character of the church matches Trump.

 

To have him the presidential candidate -  of the strictest religions up here boggles my mind.

He has become even bigger than the head of the church.

Or so it looks to me, from the outside.

 

It is weird to say the least.

"When someone shows you who they are, Believe them the first time." Dr. Maya Angelou

Harder than believing who Donald Trump is, IS believing who the strict religious people are who are aligned with him.  Who are these people really?

Again, this is an old religion of mine.

One that failed me and still I was wanting more from them.

More value, more morals, more character... more wisdom and intellect and kindness. More humanity and wanting more for everyone - Equality and choices and women's rights etc...when I know, this isn't what their religion is about.

Which is why they match.

Donald Trump is the political representation that equals their religion.

They are not the silent majority; but the loud few.

 

My free spirit parade - humanity all being equal in love peace and joy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Brene Brown and Sonya Renee Taylor

This is a self and world changing podcast by Brene Brown and Sonya Renee Taylor " The Body is not an Apology."  If we could get this, the rest would fall into place.

https://brenebrown.com/podcast/brene-with-sonya-renee-taylor-on-the-body-is-not-an-apology/

I will first write about this quote.

There was a quote that moved about on Social Media, that was credited by Brene Brown, when it was actually Sonya Renee Taylor's.

 

This idea is very thought producing.  Not only as the whole of the US society, but of our individual lives.

What I love about this idea is that what we have called normal, is often way off the mark.

It may have been normal for our families; but that doesn't mean that it was normal.

 

She is speaking about society at large; and yet the society is made up of individuals and individual families.

Each of us has the opportunity to stitch a new garment; "One that fits all of humanity and nature."

 

In my life, I was raised in a fundamental religion in a dysfunctional home. It was normal for me.

When I became aware of this - I knew that there needed to be many changes in my life, to reach close to normal.

 

What I also thought of, as some in our society are wanting less governing, less policing etc.  We are now discovering the dysfunction of our system. It is a time for more boundaries not less.

As I became aware of dysfunctional systems in play in my own life, I didn't want less restrictions, I wanted more.

I needed to create ways to rid my life of the things that were hurtful, disrespectful and those who felt they could do whatever they wanted to me.

I had to have a stricter policing of my life - not toss it all out.

 

To me, it would make more sense if the police policed each other.  If they stood up for stronger standards within their individual forces.  

 

And yet, we as people - fail to do this in our own lives; for a variety of reasons.  Yet we fail.

 

I lived in a family, where the two highest positions were not able to police themselves, in a manner that would keep children safe.  We needed a stronger policing force - someone who could see the dysfunction - and who would hold my parent's accountable.

In my own life, when I discovered my own abuse - and the systems I believed in where the abuse was allowed to flourish, I had to rethink and look closely at all I believed in.  And, I had to set new boundaries IN order to make it harder for an abuser to abuse.

 

I am not even certain I can get others to see what an opportunity we now have to change our societal tone. How it will be up to each of us, to clean, if you will, our own lives.  What do you stand for, who do you have power over and why?  How is equality divided up in your worlds? 

It is easy to sit and look "out there" and see all the injustices going on.

It is much harder to sit and see where you are unjust in your own world.

Who do you put higher on the ladder and who is lower?

 

We ask police systems to police their own. When there are many of us who cannot police their own lives.

How many allow bad behavior within their circles.  Who forgive, and forget. Who lower the standards for family - etc.  Accept, and even respect elders; for age sake, turning a blind eye to their poor behaviors.

And, even more - how well do we police our own self.

How much negative energies do you allow around you.

How much negative behavior do you dish out.

It is so easy to sit and be an armchair expert on society - but it takes deep commitment to clean up your own lives, body and spirit.

 

The self-cleaning that I had to do, began with me.

 

Back to the podcast that is on this post. I highly highly recommend listening to it and seeing how the ladder concept has influenced your world.  How you view yourself and your status in the world matters.  

Mostly, how you love who you are and how you see yourself on the ladder we call life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tim Ferriss Show

It always helps to hear others speak about their childhood abuse, the affects and what has been helpful. Yesterday I listened to Tim Ferriss Show Podcast.

Tim Ferriss Show

https://tim.blog/2020/09/14/how-to-heal-trauma/#more-52536

He affirmed much of what I know to be true, about how the body keeps the score, how you are dealing with the affects, whether consciously or not.

Our inability to feel that which was done to us, rides with us unexpressed.  It may come out in over the top rage at minor incidents and a multitude of expressions.

What he is learning and sharing will help many - for some of his modalities to healing are non-conventional.

 

He and Debbie Millman speak about being identified as a 'victim or survivor' and would rather not be put in a separate category in humanity.  

I get this. 

We just happen to be part of humanity who has experienced being hurt by the hands of another human.

We are not different than you.

We have experienced different than you.

 

The separating us, leaves us more ostracized and put aside.

And, rarely is the abuser scrutinized as we are. 

Rare is he/she cast aside as we often are.

 

He also has trouble with forgiveness.  He likes to see it as being less hateful.  Or that the power of rage has diminished.

I see it much more as accepting the past can be no different. That what happened - happened.  As an adult I now can chose with whom I will have relationships with.  

It never was helpful feeling to me to "forgive" in a way that would seemingly say, "It was okay" I forgive you.

 

It is interesting to me, how many of us who have experienced abuse have trouble with forgiveness. It makes total sense to me.  Our lives have been remarkably scarred by the event.  How we live, love and feel about ourselves is dramatically altered. 

 

It takes years of self inquiring, self introspection, and self awareness to even begin to begin to heal.

 

The work of a human to get ahead of the affects of abuse, is beyond what many may believe.

It is not as easy as forgive and move on.

Forgive and get back into the family etc.

 

You can do this - but the affects of abuse will not cease to exist.

Forgiveness does nothing to the wound of being abused sexually - young or old - it affects you very deeply.

I highly recommend this podcast and to read through his extensive list of books etc that may help you on your journey IF you have experienced sexual abuse.

 

 

 

 

 

In the parade of life.

There are many different small pieces of myself I have been working on.

The integration of my mother's image and mine.

The lack of control of have of the next generation.

Mostly just focusing on being a single me.

Bringing my attention to what is mine to manage and to let go of what is not and creating more fully who I am.

 

I get that we are part of a continuum - I am tagged to the woman above me as well as the women below me.

Yet I am a single me.

 

Becoming a single me has been a journey of extricating myself from the cycles of abuse. And, reconnecting with the self that I was prior to abuse. While living out my life as a mother. 

The woman I am - greatly mattered in how I would mother.

And, there does come a time where your mothering days are over.

Where there isn't a need anymore - there is a letting go - and allowing.

Allowing of lessons to be delivered - learned or ignored. 

It is crucial to know when to bow out and when to engage.

 

What I am feeling the integration mostly of is the boiling down of all my choices that are Me.

The work I have done, is done. The work of assimilating my abused self into reality and then redefining me.

 

I was undoing my false self and becoming my real self  - without a self if that makes sense.

The Who I was wasn't me and who I would be has been slowly growing over the years - a slow process of unraveling and knitting together.

 

I think, I thought that what I was doing was for my kids or the next generation; but in reality it could only be for me.

A old dysfunctional mode of co-dependency had me always believing that I somehow swayed the trajectory of others by how I moved.  

I guess because I was so strongly influenced by mother, I felt that I too could/would/should influence as well.

 

That may be the dysfunction way of legacy.

 

I wonder what is a healthier version of influence.

 

I do know that I have been greatly influenced by women who are strong, brave, resilient and who have swerved when their lives took a turn that left them heartbroken - but pulled themselves up and carried on.

 

What I always come to is the frustration and anxiety of trying to control an outcome - that I have no power in.  And, after days/weeks of wrestling - I get tired and I let go.

I let go out of wisdom - not because I don't care.

I actually care and love deeply - which is why I want to intervene and save.

Yet, that isn't the way the world works.

In Byron Katie's words "There is your business, my business and God's business.  If I am in your business, no one is left in mine."

 

Perhaps the guts of my journey for the past 16 years has been to disengage from dysfunction. To be just in my business.   Or to find out who I am.

 

The lessons I have learned by first doing things for the approval of others, to be liked, to fit in, etc - brought me to a place of being without Me.  I was only alive in the eyes of others.

I literally woke up at 46 and there was no Me - in me.

I had lived empty inside.

The outside created me.

I was asleep in my own life. 

 

And, each time I hop into someone else's business I leave my life empty.

 

Often I go into another's life when I am not eager to play with my own lesson.

My lesson now is integrating myself - with my mother - in a way that leaves me at peace.

 

I don't know how to do this.

Elegantly.

 

Kindly.

 

With love.

 

I sit with where I came from - the woman who is my mother.

What parts -that are in both of us - that can be salvaged.

 

When I feel most strongly repelled.

I feel the rejecting - more than the continuum of family.

 

The solid and complete rejection I have had from my family, I am sure influences this.

For, I feel that character traits - are what flow from generation to generation.

Traits that I saw - held abuse alive.

 

How can you find the string of love - when love wasn't felt.

Or strength of moral value - when none was seen.

 

It is an odd grasping - and trying to integrate the old - when I pick up a piece, to just put it down.

 

Who am I?

 

I sometimes feel like a freak of nature.

One who doesn't fit into the societal roles of what a daughter does - a sister etc.

A misfit or rebel.

 

Yet, I do feel that I am sliding from daughter/mother into just being Me.

Maybe a grandma Me who doesn't hold the same responsibilities that a mother holds.

Grandma Me is freer.

 

I have walked my parts out.

Until I walked here.

To the single Me.

 

Maybe I have defined the traits I was looking for in my mother. I defined them for me. 

The love I feel towards myself is what I have to give others.

The morals and values I have - are what can be pulled to the next generation If they chose.

Maybe the integrating I need to do, is being older.

The mothering days are few and far in between. They will let me know when I am needed.

I no longer am a daughter.

a sister

or even an aunt.

 

The space is wide open to be Me.

Perhaps this is what the mid-life crisis is - where you have to redefine the roles in your life.

The older you get the fewer there are.

 

Maybe what I am really feeling is the birth of just being a single Me - in the parade of life.

 

I did nothing.

I used to have a weird goal, to get to a place of nothing.  To get everything done, so I could then do nothing.  Doing nothing seemed to be a heaven of sorts, an idea of just being.  Not in the spiritual sense of Being - but rather in a place of nothing nothing.

 

In the land of nothing - there would be no demands, nothing to do, nowhere to go, and no one to be with with.  Just doing nothing.

 

This place or idea feels almost addictive.  

There is an un-natural thirst for doing nothing.

 

What a waste of time in this space.

What a waste of life.

And, of course nothing happens there.

No new experiences, or connections or growth.

A place of sitting in time.

 

I am not sure if others have this pull or idea.  

And, I am not sure where mine came from.

A busy life in childhood.

Perhaps too much responsibility.

Or is nothing an escape from participating in life.

 

Getting to a place and doing nothing, seems like a very un-living life kinda place.

I am feeling like I arrived at this place of nothing, exhausted.

 

What seems so counter intuitive to life, is to do nothing with the life you have.

 

I wonder if mostly the exhaustion was not being able to say no.  Not being able to live my own life, that I wanted life to just stop and be nothing.  A land where I wasn't expected to do anything.

 

I just feel that I wasted many hours and days of my life in this place of nothing.

Hours that could have been used to do what I love.

However, many years ago - there were not parts of my life I used for me.

And, I would not have been able to tell you what I loved to do.

I just was living on a programmed setting - with very little of life for me.

 

Now, when space opens up, I have so much to choose from.

I don't feel like I have to fill up the hours; but rather what do I get to do with them?

How do I want to spend this time?

What joy or happiness do I want to experience.

How do I want to be in nature - on a bike, a hike or in a kayak - with friends or alone?

I just feel that it was a false sense of heaven to want to get to "Do Nothing".

 

Another thing that has happened, is that the more I do for the love of it, the less I want to do of mundane chores that won't matter in the end.  House cleaning has dropped significantly as the love of being outdoors has increased.

I used to care - way too much - about how my house looked.

It used to regulate how I felt - whether I was at peace or calm. And to be honest I felt I judged myself by how it looked - or didn't look.  I do care; but just not that much.

 

I guess, in a perfect world, I would have time to clean and play.

But working full time - 6 days a week, there are just so many hours in a day.

And, when the decision arises of what I want to do with this block of time - I lean way more on doing something fun outside.

Doing nothing - used to feel like I was cheating life. Like I would steal time to just do nothing. When in all actuality it was stealing my life - hours at a time.

 

So, as I type - I could clean or I could go for a bike ride and 'clean later' which has been my summer mantra.  

What I will not do is- nothing.

Even scrolling on the internet - leans too close to nothing.

I need to limit my time more stringently on it.

 

I believe, if we live long enough, we may get to the space, where nothing is the only choice.

Until then - I will choose wisely how I spend my time.

 

I want to look back on my life and see all the fun, interesting, exciting, delightful, delicious, learning experiences I have had - and with so many different fun people.  I don't want look back and see spaces of space where I did nothing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

WIND

I find it hard to believe that this week, WIND is 8 years old.  

Eight years of fun on Wednesday nights.  

Eight years of meeting new friends, learning new things and having fun experiences.  

Eight years of growing in places I didn't even know existed.

Eight years of expanding into doing so much of what I love to do.

Eight years to look back on all the fun and memories we shared!

When WIND began, my idea was to have a place where women could come and be themselves and learn from other women who were further ahead on life's journey. I wanted mentors and a place to do Art.

It grew into something far beyond where my eyes could see; and I with it.

So many wonderful strong women have come to WIND - and because of that - it is a remarkable group today.

Reserving one night of week for our own.

An evening to be surrounded by ladies who are living life; regardless of the sharp corners it has thrown at them.  They are strong because of the walk they have walked and are wiser because of it. 

I can't imagine my life without WIND Ladies in it.

At one time, I was sad for the lack of sisters.

Sad for friends I lost when I changed so much.

And, was envious of others who had lifetime friends.

 

WIND began to fill me up in places that seemed so lonely. It also filled me up in places I didn't even know needed filling.  I am so much better because of WIND.

These connections have made me a deeper person, more adventurous for sure, and kinda a badass.  

What I have learned through my own experiences, as well as the ladies, is that life is rough at times, and then we rise again.  Changed, stronger and more appreciative of the good times.

I am so grateful for the companionship of women.

The beauty of who they are, the energy they bring, the laughter and the tears. I am grateful for the individual uniqueness each person has brought to our group.  

We often meet on Sunday mornings as well  - These outings are physical adventures and allow us more time and sunshine in the winter to play in. 

My oldest daughter and I are the longest members; we have been there from the start.  We have seen its growth and ours. It has been a wonderful teacher for me - in showing my daughters how to be diverse.  How to incorporate art and active living.  It has also taught me to be more open of others.  

I came from a tight circle, and I needed to feel the beauty of so many other lives, to open me up to a wider understanding of humanity.

The compilation of women in WIND is like having a wise older mentor.  There is always someone who has wisdom that we need and/or a resource that can help.  

WIND is like therapy that is free, creative and outside - and oh so fun!

Mostly WIND has shown me that life isn't always easy - and we are stronger than we ever thought possible.  That there is life after tragedy, laughter after tears, love after loneliness.   And life is way more fun when you have fun friends!  Fun friends who will find something fun to do each season. Fun friends who see beauty in nature, in themselves and life.

Thank you to all the women who have come to WIND. Each has brought WIND to where it is today.  I hope that WIND has given each of you as much as it has given me.

I am grateful and humbled that WIND continues on 8 years and counting.  Stronger than ever, and so beautiful by all the women who gather.

Oh and WIND Goes.  We go camping.  It has been a wonderful addition to our usual gatherings. We get to have extended time together and play in new locations - and to meet other women, who have now become our friends.

The ever rippling of WIND leaves me breathless.

This past weekend we camped on our river bank and it was a great celebration of WIND and the friendships we have made.

I sit in the uncertainty and unknowing of WIND.  I can't know where we will go, what we will do, who we will meet; but I can know it will be an adventure.

Here is to the next 8 years!

May the laughter and memories continue forward! May we all have good health and wellness for the adventures ahead!

 

 

To Be Alone

Many years ago, I used to see my mother in my eyes.  And, it caused me to not want to look into a mirror. I didn't see her image so much as her energy.  It is hard to explain but I would catch a glimpse of my mother and it would freak me out; mostly because I didn't want to become her.

 

During the pandemic, when they shut down the hair salons, I allowed my gray hair to come forth.  It wasn't until I had it cut short, to go natural, did I realize how much like my mother I now look, due to the gray hair.

 

Now I am seeing her often in the mirror.  

My age,

my hair,

her face and mine, blurring into one.

Yet the one isn't me.

It is her.

As me.

I want to be natural and not have to worry about color.

I want to be me.

Just me.

No mother.

No connection to the past  - in the mirror.

I have her toes too.

Those don't bother me as much.

It is to see her face sorta weaving and ebbing with mine.

The hair.

 

I need to make this hair color mine too.

It may just be the shock of it.

From brown to gray that sped me closer to old looking.

Her looking.

 

I feel different with the gray hair; more authentic and free.

I feel more me, until I look in the mirror and see where I came from.

And that is true too.

It is just not a warm and fuzzy feeling to see her there in me.

 

Maybe she's on my mind more now in summer, when she's here.

Here in my space

And, in my mirror.

 

It's hard to not feel I am becoming her.

With age.

Being a grandma

In gray hair.

 

I want to be me, just me.  Not see my past in the mirror.

But is that possible to erase her from my DNA, my features - Me?

 

I can see how folks who transition must feel - sorta - to try and find a Me that has no trace of the self before.

I am estranged; and yet I see her in me.

So am I?

 

Perhaps my transition was inner.

My insides are different.

It is true, I was her - I emulated her - in her faith, in her blindness, in her lack of self, her need for control - oh how I used to be her.

But, my insides changed.

My beliefs are different.

I have a self.

I grew me into someone who I love and feel deeply connected to. 

I love that I have boundaries and requirements.
I have passions and things that make me unique and Me.

 

I am different inside.

Yet my outside is more her than ever before.

 

I will try to funk her up, my outside image. I will have to work to make her even more unique and put my stamp on her.

A transition to becoming less my mother, and more Me.

The church frowned upon painting our nails. I now own them and love to have pedicures. My toes look fancy and not like my mother's.

It will take time; but slowly I will own my gray hair and see less of my mother there.

 

I do feel sad for the girl inside of me, who is wanting separation from her mother.

I feel the un-naturalness of pushing away.

The emptiness when I look up.

 

But I also feel the fierceness of being Me and owning my image in the mirror.

 

When I first began changing inside, I would see my mother in my eyes from time to time, until she no longer was there. Will the same happen to my image?  Will I continue to change until she no longer is seen there?

 

I fear that I will never outlive or grow enough to be free of her.

She will forever reside in the circle just outside of me.

An image

A flitter

A glance

A ghost 

A reminder

Of the old me.

Alive, but dead to me.

 

This is an odd grief.

A sadness wanting to be free of someone.

The upside-down-ness of estrangement.

Seeking to be free - and sorrowful to be alone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Who you are inside.

What does your heart want - was a questioned posed on a podcast this week.  I don't think we ask this of ourselves very much.  We typically know what is expected of us, what others are doing, or not doing, but rarely do we just sit inquiring with our hearts.

 

I have been riding along the route this week pondering this question.

 

The first and most basic thought is, "I want others to be free to be their authentic self."

My heart truly beats for others to listen to their own truths.

And, to be courageous enough to voice what needs to be said.

 

I was 46 years old before I heard the longing of my heart. 

It was very young when I heard it breathe.

My heart seemed to know when I would be able to hear it.

When the outside world fell silent with disappointment.

 

I am not sure if I turned a deaf ear on what I used to focus on, or did I suddenly hear a new voice from a new direction. I am most inclined to believe it was the first.

 

Our hearts, I believe, want our attention.  

It seemed my heart had to be broken by the outside voices, in order for me to hear it inside of me.

What does my heart want?

 

Back then, it just wanted me to be with my truth.

Period.

To stand with it and not turn away.

Even when, or especially if its voice was in opposition with others.

 

By following a very simple and basic - and even historically, old system -  I leaned into my intuition, and followed my feelings. 

 

I wonder what the difference is between feelings and heart, and even soul?  What is it inside of us that leads us intuitively - to honor the truth of our lives and experiences - and to do what we know in our hearts is right for us.

I used to think I had a conscience, but mostly it was a belief system that was formed around a cult.  Its bells rang when I veered off the rules of the religion. It wasn't an organically created. It wasn't Me.  It was how I was programmed to be.

 

Becoming me, took time.  I had to sit with choices, explore feelings, write out the different choices and who they would serve, and what the long term consequences would look like.

I heard the line from an audio book, that a man speaks to his great grand children when making a decision, and sits with how it will affect them.

I get this.

I want my choices to stand the test of time.

That the decision will go smoothly into the next generation not placing a debt that will be hard to live with.

 

I believe, my siblings and I, carry a huge debt from our parents.  Its burden isn't one that is easily lived with; plus what we add to it. 

As I was unwinding the programming, and the affects of being sexually abused by my father, it truly felt like I was trying to turn around generations of poor choices. That so many of my ancestors made the 'easy' choice to go along to get along. To forgive and forget and live as if there were no abuse. 

Which only carried its debt to the next generation - compounding the negative impact.

 

By stopping and listening to my heart, and living my life differently, I have reduced the weight my children have to carry. I am carrying and owning what happened to me, so it doesn't spill down to the generations below me.

And, hopefully showing a model of being yourself.

Regardless of what it looks like.

 

When I first heard my young inner self, it was from beneath a pile of stuff other people needed from me.  I had been trying to live a life that others needed me to live.  There was very little in my life where my heart could beat freely.

 

I now feel the lack of weight upon me.  I am no longer under the influences of the cult and family - those two were very huge.  

Now I am able to live free as Me.

My inner feelings, knowing and being guide me.

 

No one is using my heart.

What does my heart want?  It wants this for others. Especially those who have come from heavy dysfunctional families to be free.  Free to feel soulfully connected to their own hearts.  

 

On Facebook a quote caught my eye. "Unpopular fact: There is still grief involved with letting a toxic person go."

So, while my heart was singing with a new connection with me, it was also grieving the loss of family.  It still grieves today.  

My heart has many broken pieces, and yet it loves more deeply because of what it has lost.

 

On Independence weekend, I want this personal freedom for all.  

May your life reflect who you are inside.

 

 

 

 

Caring Souls

On a podcast, it was suggested that we write about our experiences with Covid 19, so that we can remember how it was for us during this time, and the things that stand out or were a hardship, and even those that improved our lives.   Some are even writing one sentence a day depicting your day.

 

My experiences are as an 'essential worker' and I have kept on working. Not only working, but working harder than in 'normal' times.  I am overwhelmed at work.  First it was the fear and the unknown of the virus.  Once I got used to watching my hands and wiping down the surface of my jeep and keeping things sanitized - sorta, I relaxed into a new routine.

However, the day upon day of heading out with a cart load of packages got tiring by the end of month one.  We are soon will be entering into our 4 month. 

I have gotten better at sorting the packages and keeping my jeep organized, and even have become accustomed to the large numbers of parcels.  It has become a new different  work day.  

Yet I am tired - and I understand - I order as well.  And, I am as many of you are, concerned about how long this goes on, what the future will look like, and how many of those we know will become sick or worse pass on.  The stress of the unknown is wearing us down mentally.

 

I am physically tired, mentally tired and then when you see others acting so neglectfully, you become tired in your thoughts. And disheartened in your fellow humans.

 

While we are all supposedly working to reopen safely, there appears to be a bit too many who have considered this virus not a threat, and masks not useful.  It feels like we are bailing out the boat, and they are splashing about bringing in more.  

I feel we would all feel better if we were in the same boat, and working together.

 

And, the folks who are being civil disobedient, are from churches who I once thought of as caring individuals. Well, some.  And, some are from ultra-conservative religions who I am not surprised are not following a rule that originated outside of their religion.

Yet, I am still surprised in their uprising for liberties - when they have given up so many rights to be part of the religion.

I wonder if there is a hierarchy of liberties?

They are free to give up the rights of their woman and their bodies.

They are free to give up the rights of who they are friends with, what they drink, to dye their hair, paint their nails, pierce their ears, tattoo their body, to not have sex prior to marriage etc, oh the list is long.  These liberties they have no trouble giving up.  But, tell them to wear a mask and social distance, and it is a revolt!

I am quite sure there can't be a reasonable explanation for the lost liberties it requires to be part of their religion in comparison to wearing a mask.

I don't know how they got so sidetracked in this virus.  An illness that has now become political - and it feels insane.

This part I have no idea how it works itself out, and before it burns out, it will have us on two sides of living during a pandemic.

I feel odd when I encounter the mask-less.  Odd, in knowing they can't be counted on to help the vulnerable, to help the stressed and overworked folks, by working to slow it down.

Instead it feels like they are adding fuel to an already burning fire, while we are trying to spread wet blankets.

We can't know if masks works, if social distancing help, - but doing nothing gets nothing but more sickness.

 

My emotions are triggered with the divide.  I feel the futile nature of what we are trying to do. I feel that the truth isn't being noticed. And, that many are playing into the hands of the virus.

And, there will be a cost.

Sickness will spread and lives will be lost.  And for what?

So that you can have your limited liberties?

Really?

You may be mask-less, but the lack of the mask is the least of the liberties you have lost.

Imagine the loss of an open mind?

The loss of being an individual.

The loss liberties of being free to be yourself.

And, the loss of caring for the most vulnerable.

Perhaps what adds the most stress is knowing there are those among us, who are self-absorbed, and that behavior adds weight to an already heavy time.

It is hard to even articulate and sort out the different strains a pandemic can have on my life.  

What I am trying to do is my part. To at least not make things worse and to make life livable while we traverse through these times. I do go out and do things outside with friends.  I am living within the guidelines - and maintaining my good life.  Wearing a mask doesn't take away my love, peace and joy.

 

Mostly the pandemic displayed heroes, and it also displayed fools.

Life often gives us the opportunity to learn about people.

We will remember those who walked with us in ways that didn't weigh us down.

I am happy to be in the company of caring souls.

 

 

 

Love is Not

The estrangement between a parent and child goes against the gravitational pull of nature.  In fact, anytime there is a breech in the contract of family, our systems will feel the pull and push with our emotions.  

I wish there was a simple and general response to estrangement, or what to do when a person feels that they are safer away from family than with it, but it is at the very least, complicated.

Estrangement isn't an easy thing to accomplish.

Nor, do I believe is it something that is taken lightly or made in moments of whim.

It is the last ditch effort to save yourself, a final realization that if you don't separate, your mental well-being will be gravely affected.  Your sanity, harmony, peace, love and joys - need separation in order to survive.

The ones we estrange ourselves from may or may not realize the contents of their toxicity, the levels of their dysfunction, or the cost and toll of being in their lives has on others.

How can you calculate what it feels like for others to be in your world?

And, each of us has a tolerance level.

Perhaps it is a drama or trauma tolerance.

Some of us can withstand leagues of pain and suffering and be okay with turmoil and angst.  Others of us just reached the bottom of the barrel of our tolerance. We have nothing more to give.

Meaning, we no longer have the band width to be in your presence.  Your life infringes upon our sanity in ways that makes us crazy.

 

Truly.

 

The set and tone of our worlds are disrupted too much by your life's choices or the lack thereof.  We simply cannot float hope out that things will be different "next time".

 

It is like the curtain has dropped on reality.  We know who you are as a person, is not who we can be in a relationship with.  As children we don't pick who are parents are.  But, as an adult, we can choose who we want in our lives.

 

This healthy boundary making is very hard.

 

It is these same boundaries, we so wish our parent practiced.

Our healthy choices are seen often as punishment towards a parent, or that we are non-forgiving, unloving etc.  Rarely can an estranged parent see the child being responsible and self-loving.  They instead see the estrangement through their eyes only.

Somehow, the parent believes the child can't see them.  Doesn't understand their pain etc. When in fact, the child has lived with the effects of the parent's choices more than any other.

We have lived with the consequences of their 'poor' choices.

Often for years and years prior to leaving.

It may seem like it was one event, one moment in time; but it is actually the accumulation of years and years of hoping and wanting things different.  Of forgiving and forgetting, and moving on, in hope.

Until hope runs out.

The bottom is reached, and there can be no more.

There is no energy left to fly the flag one more time.

We simply are done and done.

 

I often wonder if my mother has taken inventory of her life's choices and how they impacted her children?  If she really counts the moments of time, SHE and her life choices have gravely impacted the relationships. The chips and cracks she has inflicted upon the parent and child relationship. There is a price tag for each choice, and sometimes the price is estrangement.  You will lose the privilege of being in their lives.

Children grow up.

And, have children of their own.

It is now my choices that will affect my own children.

 

As a mother, what is the cost of my own choices upon my children?

What I do and how I live reaches into my children's lives.

I either impact them with love or pain. 

At the very least, it is my hope that my life doesn't cause or bring stressful energy.

And, that I am responsible for my own boundaries, my own mental well being, that I am dependent and not needing them to adjust their lives for me.

 

Love is freedom.

Love is overflowing good energy onto those we love.

Love has boundaries.

Love estranges itself from others to maintain peace, and joy.

 

I personally question those who don't have boundaries, who claim family is family no matter what.  I believe, that without boundaries, you will settle for anything and anyone. Being able to close down relationships within family, in order to preserve a tranquil and loving environment, creates a safe place for your children to thrive.

 

Sadly, those of us who have had to estrange ourselves, come from families where we were unsafe.  And, in order to feel safe and honor our feelings, leaving was the only answer. The family and its environment wasn't going to change, so we had to.  We had to change who we allowed into our lives.

 

When a child feels unsafe in your presence, it is perfect that they become estranged.

Unsafe doesn't mean just physical, but our mental and emotional well being matters too.

A strong healthy person can walk away.  Even on shaky legs and an uncertain future away from family.

Putting up boundaries in an environment where none have been, isn't easy.  And, it will be seen as rebellion and dislike or hate.  When in fact, it is the most loving thing to do.

Loving yourself enough to go.

 

On this Father's Day, there are children who have left who won't feel like celebrating today.

Celebrate your strength.

Celebrate knowing what real love is.

Perhaps by knowing what love is not.