When being molested my body felt fear, but my mind called it love. So my body says fear, then how in the hell does the mind come up with the word, Love?
It seems very weird again. Like there are two witnesses to the one event? Of course if there were two steering the same boat, or fighting over which one won, it makes sense that each would see it from their point of view.
In my case, my mind was eclipsed, and that is the one who was supposed to tell me that wasn’t love. But if it doesn’t see it so it can’t record it. So we have just one witness present, my body.
My body is the witness, and the mind ran away…where, I hope it was a pleasant space, a kind and loving space, I hope that God held me then. I always knew it was a Blessing and a Curse.
But, back to the unravel….If all I have is the body fearing and the mind not knowing, would I not then be able to correctly put together what molestation is? Certainly I would get it wrong.
Now we have to both recall that I am a child. I am a little girl with no big words, or even big thoughts and surely my future only stretched out to the next day. A ‘friendly’ mask approaches, plays, teases, interacts and leads me somewhere, I go, for I have no reason to not.
I come away with fear. And since it is someone I love, I have to chalk it up to love. How else do I get the mind believing love hurts? The body is in pain, the mind is saying he loves you….Madness!
I have been beating myself up for at least 400 years, trying to understand how in the hell could I first of all not remember, and then, how I still wanted to love him and have him love me. It is like hugging a cactus and then wanting more and more and more. What is even more tragic, if that is possible, I tried harder and harder to get more love from a man who hurts me! Something was wrong with me.
Somehow I was not good enough, not cute enough, didn’t do enough, wasn’t kind enough, it was I with the major issues.
Would the same be true for those who remember but don’t have feelings? Say their mind remembers and tells them this wonderful mixed up not even close story and they believe it.
Remember when I said, “we were left alone in our minds without adult supervision” well I know that the mind is capable of doing just that. Jill Bolte Taylor’s book “My Stroke Of Insight” brought this to my attention. Words to follow my experience.
So you have a mind that is backwards and a body that doesn’t have feelings and you keep trying WITH your mind to love someone. You never use your body for love, it has no feelings, so “your always on my mind”, is a love song, if you can’t feel your body.
This just gets crazier and crazier or messier and messier! That book about the little bird searching for her mother is no different than us searching for love.
We know that those who SAY they love us hurt us. And we believe that in order to have love we have to hurt. Or we believe that we must convince our bodies to love. So in order to love we have to work at it, show them with our bodies! While being disconnected in our heads.
If this doesn’t sound crazy to you….I will be amazed, but let me tell you it makes perfect sense to me.
What is even more perfect it explains the phrase, “I was lost, and I was going to find myself, I didn’t know I was missing or what I even looked like.”
The greatest news to one who is abused is that they don’t know how to love, yet it is the most tragic to feel, especially if you have a husband, and say a passel of kids. You look around and cringe.
If you don’t know love, what in the hell have you been passing out as love? I looked into my bucket, the one that spilled out on the ground, and all around it were Conditions. I had a bucket full of conditions and not one was for their best interest. You could even say it was a bucket full of selfishness.
What in the hell can I do with that in my bucket? I had to begin yet again. It was like my first day trying to hand out love. I was empty and puzzled. But I was willing to try. Willing to try and fail, for I did have even more left to lose. I had a whole other family my heart could not handle to lose again.
Once again I set forth, unsteady, shaky, bewildered and without confidence, that I wouldn’t hurt someone the first time I tried. I was the cactus, prickly and poking, painful for all involved. Little by little with patience and humor on both sides, we built up enough to get a grip an inch by inch we have moved along, and again, love is never done.
We learn each day, in each new situation what love would do here, and there, and over there, and under here….there are a million ways we can show love. A million ways it doesn’t hurt. To feel love, to tentatively show love, to be without pain is beyond what my mind can hold, and I truly think the body holds love like it held fear before. There is literally no way you can hand out hurt! I love that. I am an imperfectly perfect loving woman. I do it my way. My body and my mind agree. There is only one of me in here now, no room for fear. Fearlessly I walk on.
