“The thing you are terrified of losing – you’ve already lost it. You may not have noticed that yet, and it may take you awhile to grieve, and then you may realize that there was never anything to lose.” Byron Katie
This paragraph popped out at me while reading last night. It will help explain how I felt. If we rewrite the paragraph replacing “thing” with the word love;
The Love you are terrified of losing – you’ve already lost it. You may not have noticed that yet, and it may take you a while to grieve, and then you may realize that there was never any LOVE to lose.
Here is the deal, I was terrified to lose the love I thought was there, and then I thought I would die when there was none there, and then I was glad that it wasn’t there, relieved that that ugliness was not my love, and then began the search for what love was.
I would walk each day, and I allowed myself to cry/grieve heading in one direction, but when I turned around I used that walk back to be of something good.
I would dream of a life away from here, the hellhole, I would ponder quilts to make, I would watch nature, the river and all it’s guests, I would talk to the clouds, sky and sun, and I would feel I was conversing with God. I had no idea of who I was, what I looked like or where I was going, lost with no real definition of love, but willing to learn.
I literally was a baby in a strange land looking at things for the first time. It seemed like a big world with lots of stuff to choose from. I could be the one to decide what meant love to me. My body and I would figure this out, and I had lived many years knowing what it wasn’t, so I did the opposite many times, when in doubt.
I have said, I have learned so much from so many people about what not to do. I had a few masters.
I recall clearly the day I was talking really loud at my husband, trying hard to convince him, “I don’t know who I am”….and I meant it, and it scared the hell out of me. Not him. He always just listened and maybe even felt I was overacting, again.
But to be a big ass lady, with kids, a mail route, etc, to not know who you are, is frightening to say the least. As I write this, what I was screaming was that without that old love inside, my inside was empty. And in order to redefine myself I had to go out and add love.
Now adding love would seem easy, but it takes time. And I had a lot of reconstruction with my relationships with those who lived with me. I had to learn how to do it differently.
I think backwards now and It is unclear how I did what I did, but it seems more like even I didn’t have a choice. Like there was a weird rulebook transcribed in me and when something happened, the book knew what to do….and I did it. My children had to be a certain way for me not to erupt. My children were ok as long as they were doing things my way. Oh, and the kids didn't have the same rulebook.
I am sure it is like living with a crazy volcano, you just never know what will send the sparks skyward, and then the children get covered in ash. I cannot change their early years, their formative years, nor even spend too much time back there, it pains me deeply that I did so much damage. However, they were Blessed with a wonderful father one who could quickly add salve to their burns. He was their saving Grace.
However, I have read and learned that I can begin new in each new situation and we learn together how a real relationship works.
Byron Katie is the teacher for me, she was the first book I clung to, “Loving What Is” She did not tell me to change anything, but just accept everything. You don’t even change your thoughts, but to question them.
I had to begin looking at my life, my world, my house, my kids, my friends, my old family, my job, everything. I had to look at all things like a quirky nature scene. And the greatest thing I had to do, was to give God back the control. For you see I thought it was up to me to direct, control, manipulate, holler, set right, tell you, a million and one things so YOU would get your life right.
I remember writing in shock that I would let God take care of others. I know it sounds mental, but let me tell you, it is wonderful not to have the pretend responsibility that you wholeheartedly believe is your job.
Little by little I was walking away and allowing others to be themselves, and if they choose to sink to the bottom, so be it. I let others make choices, and I restrained myself. I had to sometimes clamp my teeth hard, walk out of the room, or shout out what I would love to do, but it isn’t my job, and scream that I must get me right. For not only are you being presented with the perfect new lesson on giving love, you get to see what you had created without love.
You see the upside down thinking and it’s results, and my failure to have consequences. I found out my consequences were a leaky boat, wishy washy at best.
I found out as a mom, I am the consequence lady, and they are free to be themselves, and if they chose the action, I get to chose the consequence. As I became more and more into my business, they fell more in their own. Freedom to be themselves, what a gift to give your children, they get to decide who and how to be.
Love then is free. Love is being yourself, love is allowing, accepting, kindness, listening……
What else Byron Katie taught me, was the word NO! If you can’t say no, then your yes doesn’t mean anything. No is a Yes to you. My yes was to myself so I could begin filling me up with self- love!
I found the line between selfish and self- loving is slim, slight a sliver, but the ocean of difference is wide beyond measure.
Loving another should not hurt them or you. It should not require a sacrifice either way. Love sees the other. Love hears the other. Love feels the other. While still seeing, hearing, feeling you!
The dance of two…or if no one is around, it is a solo dance. A solo dance requires nothing from no one. You dance alone to the music in your heart and soul.
In our bathroom there is a plaque that says “When you Stumble, make it part of the dance.”
My dance is awkward at best, yet I am delighted to be dancing at all. So dance like no one is watching. And there are no wrong steps, as long as you are heading in the right direction.
The music you hear is the music of your soul.
Dance the solo dance of you.
