I realized that I was left alone in my mind twice. The second time was when I was empty. Left alone in my mind without Love’s supervision.
My old version of love supervised my life. I had a mental supervisor.
I also remember saying, I have a mental lady in my mind.
I was always writing out what the mental lady would do and what I would do. Me, the new and empty of love me.
If any situation arose, and I became confused, if my body was struggling with fear and wanting to flee, and my mind was challenging, taunting, wanting to push the guilt agenda forward, I would literally write out the questions, and dialogue it back and forth, and do so, until finally by the last few sentences a new way would emerge.
It seemed the paper was a wise old woman, and listened to the ramblings of a confused little girl in a big body and in a very grownup world. With all kinds of pressures either pulling forward or yanking me back. In my mind I did not have clear view, I literally was a jumble of mixed up wires and emotions and my body too, seem confused. I could not even find a pinhead of clarity to stand upon in the sea of mental. And a puff of breath could send me toppling in either direction. I had one weak string to hold onto, a flimsy strand, that would grow larger and larger with each new step.
The strand, that I now call truth, reality, God, Intelligence, Clarity, a shining beacon forward, glimmer called hope. That single strand, was stronger than all the mental, all the confusion, and all the unconsciousness I felt.
And that is the strand that seemed to find a new answer, when my mind failed. It would find a way out, a new voice, the strength of a NO, to holding my hand as I searched for a new meaning of love.
I held on and I didn’t know really really what I was holding on to, but to leave it go, meant to fall back into an ocean of dysfunction.
I didn’t know where I was going, if I would like it there when I arrived, if I would have people, or love, or anything, but I knew that I would literally die if I had to go back.
So forward you march, fearlessly heading to who knows where.
We used to say as children “you believahead”, meaning we would hook our little red wagons up to anything that came down the road. And mostly buying into a dream, a pipe dream, a fantasy that would never come to fruition, what an idiot we thought them to be.
At times my walking would have even me believe I was totally certifiably mental. Yet what I came to find out is was going out of my mind. I was literally challenging being in reality while being in reality only not knowing so in my mind.
In my mind, I had a wonderful loving Gi GI like mother a father similar to my husband, and so leaving such wonderfulness behind caused me mountains of grief, only to find I was grieving for what I couldn’t be.
I couldn’t even be like the picture in my mind that I wanted my mother to become.
Mental sounding, well try living inside that body and mind! I remember saying to others, ‘at least you can walk away from me, I live here’….
This struggle of mental verses clarity was a daily, minute by minute dual and we really didn’t know who would ultimately win the fight. Would it be mental on the Left or reality on the Right!
Oh I had my little red wagon securely hooked up to the right side in fact I sat on the right damn well hoping I was in the wagon on the right path leading to the right destination, to the right field. A believahead.
Yep I was wholeheartedly putting all my efforts to being right in heading right in going right all the while my left side, mental lady hollered.
She was mad, she was angry she was resentful, she literally wanted me back, the old me.
And I was just as determined to not let the first 46 years define who I was, I was going to use it to make a new me.
Imperfectly, but determinedly, bullheadedly, single focused I went forward.
For I pulled my whole family in my wagon, I did not travel alone.
I carried many, not only my own children, but their children, not only in this house, but other houses, my sisters, their children. I felt the weight of the world to get this right.
Why? I don’t know. I knew if I could make my wagon go to the field of peace, love and joy, if I could do what I always wanted others to do for me, then perhaps, just perhaps, I could share this and help other little confused in their minds girls.
Perhaps, just perhaps help one, just one.
And in the end I did.
I helped me.
I saved me, well me and that little strand of string, we DID IT!.