Until Forever.

My sister’s Birthday is today, I think it is her 40^th.  I have not seen this sister in about 8 years or so, and I have not spoken to her in close to five years.

 

It is a weird and I am not sure most would understand my view, my stance, but there is a huge hole in our relationship.

 

The hole can be defined as denial, or it could be defined as rebelling. I rebelled against the family where she stood to keep the family at all costs, by deny another side of her father.

 

There are two sides and I can’t see a middle ground, although often it is said that we can agree to disagree and then move forward.  To me those rules don’t seem to apply here or perhaps what holds us back is the middle ground.

 

Middle ground, where is it?  How can you find a place for two sisters to be sisters in this? 

 

It was from her home he was arrested and to her home he returned after the trial.  She sees a dad.  I see a man who tried to be a dad, but failed so horribly.  Failed at just being a dad.  Just a dad!

 

When she stood by the man she loved, she stood away from the little girl who was molested. 

 

Is there a middle ground, perhaps if you did nothing, stood by no one, ceased to move.  Is that possible, for it seems immediately two sides were open, there didn’t seem to be a third choice?

 

Was the third choice to move on learning from the past, seeing yourself as victim, but not staying there.

 

Is that the middle ground?  If so, she is not here yet.

 

I know where she stands, how she stands and why?  I know.  I understand her walk, her talk, and her actions all are supporting a life that is not in full reality. 

 

Being in partial reality is to be seeing only what you want to see and disregard the rest.  What if the rest is the hurtful part? 

 

To bring in the whole reality is to lose the father of your past, you lose more than you gain, or so it seems.

 

Do I really wish for all to see what I seen, to walk where I walked, to have to lose so much in order to gain your self?

 

It is the road that is less traveled for sure, a road that leads away from hurt and into healing. 

 

On this day, your Birthday, I do wish you to see what I see, to be where I am, even if it hurts like hell to get here.  I want for you what I want for myself, self-love.

 

If I could I would give to you the innocence of your birth, the playfulness of youth, the freedom of being just a little girl, in a place of pureness.  I would give back to you what you lost in our childhood home.

 

But that is not mine to give, it is what you already have, you just have lost your way.  Lost in the sea of dysfunction, tossed around in confusion, alone against the world of madness, unable to even remember yourself being the precious little girl!  I can see a little girl lost. 

 

My brother has a line in his blog….”I will wait for you until forever.”  Sister, I will wait for you until forever.