In a novel I am reading, one of the characters sighs and said, “ I guess it is my lot in this life to be the one to say the difficult things.”
As I pondered that sentence, which struck a cord within me, I wondered ‘what are the difficult things?’
What do we classify as ‘difficult’ and what in our world is difficult to speak of? Is it difficult to say or do we fear the response in the speaking of it?
Difficult to me is stating the obvious when the obvious isn’t obvious to others. It is to stand opposite against the other person, to be coming from it from a completely different view.
The strength of the mind to hold on to its ideas and its arrogance that it trumps reality is way beyond my comprehension.
When you are unable to assimilate a new incoming change, when your mind refuses to accept what Is, Life doesn’t listen to your mind, changes are not slowed down and deviated from, instead life continues on.
Life simply changes without your permission, it keeps moving on, and you are lost back in time, unable to keep step with the reality around you.
You become lost in a mind of wishful thinking, of pretending of a reality that isn’t there, in a believe-a-head world.
Each new piece of evidence that comes in that doesn’t match with your ‘mind’ you fling it back into reality. You now become lost in your story of reality, but not in reality.
Does dis-ease come from being out of sync with reality and when you are not walking hand and hand with reality are you then making choices based on ideas in your head, rather then what is in front of you, even heart choices instead of reality choices.
Somehow reality has gotten a bum rap, it has become the bad person, the odd man out, the difficult child in the room.
Why is the mind kind and reality bad?
In my case, as a child my Reality was bad.
But somehow we weren’t to speak of it, keep this a secret, or were threatened, or we ourselves were ashamed and blamed ourselves, but whatever, this difficult thing we were not allowed to talk about it.
Difficult Things were to be kept quiet, to not look at them and for God’s Sake, please don’t speak of it!
That is weird as I just reread that. God would want us to lie about reality? The all knowing and all seeing God wants us to tell a story that is different than His…..really, I know that is way not right!
My memories of my childhood are few and far between and different.
I have one where I am little, and lying on my bed showing my mother my bottom, and there are other little kids standing around the bed, their heads barely clearing the bed to see what I was showing. I have no words to go with the memory, but I can recall physical pain, burning to my vagina.
I have No recollection how my bottom got hurt, or what she did to fix it.
I am Blessed to have this memory, for it holds part of the puzzle of me.
Did I as a little girl speak of difficult things? Did she tell me not to? I don’t recall…..
One of our last conversations ended when we could not agree, our perceptions of my father were an ocean apart.
I now saw him being a pedophile, and her heart and mind wouldn’t allow her to go there.
In Forty years she hasn’t moved from her spot.
Forty years later, my voice came back.
It is loud, clear and unrelenting and it cannot be swayed.
I am not leaving reality.
I see no difficulties in reality.
I was the oldest of 6 girls and living in a neighborhood of girls, and had three girls myself and had many nieces.
My reality today is that my silence came at a cost.
It may be difficult to speak up, but is it much worse to be silent, for the problem doesn’t get smaller and disappear.
There is a place in me, a dark spot, a sacred corner where it holds all the tears and regrets, the sadness and suffering that my silence caused. A file I don’t open too often.
“Forgiveness is accepting that the past cannot change.”
Martha Beck.
I have forgiven myself for my silence.
In my heart of hearts I know I was but a little girl.
“There are two ways to be fooled. One is to believe what isn’t true; the other is to refuse to believe what is true.”
Soren Kierkegaad.
It is my greatest desire to never be fooled again, to step out of reality just because it is the path of least resistance!
