Happy Fourth of July!

While talking to my daughter on her cell phone I was eavesdropping on a family picnic.

 

I heard laughter, and a voice echoing clearly across the air, a voice I haven’t heard in four years.

 

My mothers.

 

It was odd to hear it, odder yet to hear it be so happy and normal and the chattering going on, a loud laughter boldly falling, strong and accepted, it was like being dead and seeing that your exit had no impact.

 

My children go to be with cousins, Aunts and Uncles, my son tells me “I talked to your mom today.”  Was she kind to you I ask.  The conversation dies and settles back, two sides unwilling to convince the other of its view.

 

Camping families gathering together this Fourth of July, my children wanting to belong and do, they go alone without me, leaving me, knowing I would not go. 

 

The day that changed my life long forgotten and discussed, my absence I wonder how it is seen?  By now it is just a new ‘habit’ within our family, the crazy Aunt who stays away alone.

 

Amazing that I became the crazy one, the one who stays away! 

 

The party continues, my absence unfelt, the gaiety is all still there, oblivious.

 

Simply beyond what my mind can comprehend and hold.

 

Holidays or days where families gather are interesting and lacking my full enthusiasm.  Where generations come together sharing hilarity from the past, with many remember when stories, all carrying their part to hold together the history we grew up in.

 

I feel like my history all died, and turned to ash, crumpled up and soiled.

 

My remember when stories no longer hold water or hilarity.  They are not to be laughed at loud and boldly, not picnic material, something to share around the bon fire while roasting marshmallows!

 

I am now saturated like my past, a wet blanket or party pooper were I to arrive.  A dust cloud that follows and surrounds the space I stand in.

 

The cloud of reality of no nonsense, ruining an otherwise perfect family, it is best I stay away.

 

There was a part of me that was still clinging to the hopes that her life just couldn’t be the same without me.

 

It died the minute I heard her voice.

 

I am long forgotten too, just like all the deeds my father did to me.  “Forgive and forget”.

 

I have been forgiven for ruining or trying to ruin an otherwise nice family, and I have been forgotten too.

 

An orphan, kicked out, all oblivious to me now.

I no longer exist to them.

 

I keep forgetting not to wait.  I forget not to love, forget not to remember, forget that I am no longer part of them.

 

I forget my family is no longer mine.

 

I am independent on this independence day and I am free to do as I please.

 

I am home alone with my husband……I will not forget to enjoy this moment!

 

Happy Fourth of July!