When I seen the date today, I felt the need to explore where I stand with the brother whose birthday it is today. He is the oldest in our family with me coming in a year and a half later.
We were different in so many ways, where I felt responsible and took care of the siblings, he seemed to rebel and go his own way.
His life was separate, often in his own room, drawing Art that was very intricate in detail but in a twisting and mixed up sort of way, black lights and posters of darkness. He seemed to stand alone and aside from our family in a defiant sort of way.
He rebelled in school, about rules and things the teachers were teaching, always challenging the norm.
He wasn’t afraid to be the loner or to be the odd man out, in fact he seemed to try and be outstanding but in a unique way, yet never really catching on to our disapproval, for he was just being himself.
He feels that it was my fault that his childhood is now tarnished with deeds from a father towards a daughter, that I totally wrecked what he considered an average childhood.
His memories are now twisted and mixed up like his drawings of past, perhaps his sub-consciousness was the Artist back then.
When I first discovered that I was a victim of my father, that he was a pedophile, it never crossed my mind that my owing that would affect my relationships with my siblings, that it would come between brothers and sisters.
My brother felt that the ‘victims’ would get all the support and that his poor father would stand alone, so he became the one to step up and be with him.
So he was the one who made sure he had a good lawyer, that he was bailed out and a place to live, first at his house, until I called the Court, letting them know he was in a home of a young girl, and then to his camp.
As he stood steadfast by my father’s side, I slipped away.
It was odd to fear a brother, to lock doors with a racing heart, not knowing what such a confused person could do.
I was the one he stood against, me his sister.
What do I do with that? How do meet him and keep this part of him separate and not allow it to come between us?
I fully believed the children would unite and form a close front, that we would heal, and deal and commiserate together, a rag tag crew, broken, defeated, upside down, dragging each other across the finish line of normal.
They say what doesn’t break you makes you stronger, our family broke, well it was already broken, but this just made the crack wider and even more jagged.
The relationships between the 14 children, varied between ages and the span of years that separated, whether you had kids or not, whether you lived near each other, and even if you had similar likes, but at the end of the day, I assumed when trouble hit us, we would cling to each other and become a better family because of it, instead it seemed to stretch and rip an already weak thread that held us together.
We all, each one of us were not strong enough to paddle our boats through the rapids while carrying and holding on to another, it seemed it was each man/woman for himself.
And maybe that is the way we all grew up, separated and it was for survival of the fittest, doing what needed to be done to get us through.
I really don’t know how he felt justified to stand beside a man who hurt little girls, a man who was so self- absorbed in his own addiction, but that is what my brother did.
All I can now do, is honor his choice, allow him the freedom to spend time now with his dad and my perpetrator, and in doing that I also get to have the freedom to step away from that relationship.
There is no common ground between the way we two handled this crisis, the way we rowed our own boats, his headed deeper into the swirling dark waters, while I paddled like mad to put distance and space reaching for land and the safety it would offer.
He and I literally are heading in opposite directions, I guess like we always have.
Funny he now steps in and is responsible or feels responsible, to stand by his father, like we are in a mental relay, he grabs what I release.
I am letting go while he is hanging on, or picking up what I am putting down.
Happy Birthday Brother, if I had a gift to give you today, it would be the gift of release, of surrendering and no longer carrying of others and their lives, to be able to create wonderful art, without the twisted subconsciousness emerging, to be free and unique, in peace and joy, just to be.
Free of the dark swirling waters.
If and when you change direction and start swimming towards land, my hand will be reaching….always!
