My facebook had a message today, my sister responded.
She will not be reading my blog, ‘because that is your truth/your feelings and it is not about me.”
She is correct. Yet I find it interesting she is unwilling to read it.
I am not sure what that means for our ‘broken’ relationship.
How can we come together if one side will not listen to the other?
What I recall most from all my siblings is their defense, and maybe that is what they remember of me.
It seemed that we were two teams. I was a team of one.
And maybe we all are supposed to be teams of one.
It doesn’t seem like they are teams of one, but one big team standing together in agreement.
Funny, I had thought they would be interested in reading why I walked away, that they would want to know.
I wondered what would hurt more, them not reading or reading and not believing.
It is odd to be so visible, yet so hidden.
To be so open, yet closed off.
This just leaves me sitting in a weird spot.
She says, “You havent wanted any contact with me, not the other way around.” Yet she doesn’t see that when I invite her to my blog, to hear my view etc, she walks away.
She doesn’t see her own actions, she doesn’t see herself turn away from me. Just that I am doing something she doesn’t want to see.
Interesting to see the two sides.
She walks away and blames me.
Incredible.
No wonder I replied, “I have no words, none that you care to hear.”
The only way she would come back is if I were to change my words.
I can’t.
My authentic truthful self is one that makes them turn away.
I knew this, but hadn’t put it in writing.
My sister gave me that opportunity to know that it was not I who walked away, I simply faced them with my truth and they turned away.
Wow, this is new knowledge to me, for I always held myself responsible for tossing aside a family. I just didn’t see that they tossed me aside. I felt it, I felt the undeniable abandonment, but it did seem like I was the one to blame.
It seemed like a self inflicted wound.
For four years I have held myself responsible for me walking away. When all I was guilty of was speaking my truth, a truth that had them walking away. I feel better in a odd way, that it wasn’t me that left them, they left me.
Somehow I feel kinder about myself.
A sad, but kinder me.
“There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way, and not starting.”
Buddha
