My brother is at a ten-day silent Vipassana retreat. This is his second time there, and this time he is a volunteer and will help with the food preparation and clean up as well as meditate for three hours a day.
This meditation practice is called the ‘insight meditation.’ I hope his blog www.messyguru.typepad.com will have entries about it upon his return.
His first time was almost a year ago, around Thanksgiving time he was an attendee and they meditated all day long.
He had a wild ride; with emotions, crazy thoughts and beliefs all celebrating the fact that he stopped doing to just sit with them awhile.
I applaud his courage to just sit. He is facing full on all that is upside down and backwards, to sit in silence and encourage thoughts that most run away from.
The busyness of life can camouflage all the roots of anxiety, making it near impossible to figure out why you run.
Imagine stopping everything. Like every little thing, and have someone taking care of you, so all you have to do is be with your self awhile, ok for TEN days.
For many many months I had my own semi-vipassana here.
I didn’t know such a fancy word, but I sat and sat and then I sat.
I watched birds, and my mind was churning and cranking and spitting and sputtering, whirling around and around, trying to make sense of the nonsensical.
Just had to look up the meaning of nonsensical.
noun: words or language having little or no sense or meaning. conduct, action, etc., that is senseless, foolish, or absurd: to have tolerated enough nonsense.
Boy is that the truth. I was trying to figure out ‘words or language having little or no sense or meaning.’ Wow.
And those words held meanings such as love, family, caring, or faith of my childhood, and they now became nonsensical.
I recall almost feeling the daily flush of embarassment, to be such a gulible believahead in light of reality crashing upon it.
It is like you have built up your own fairytale world, but wholeheartedly believing it and walking around unknowing it is a huge mistake, yet in full confidence and even arrogance.
The ‘Bliss of Ignorance of Abuse” is horrifying to realize.
I was shocked motionless, which is kinda like a ‘forced vipassana,’ and I literally just wanted to get inside my head and see what was up, where I had it so wrong.
How nice to have a place that is safe and where folks will take care of you as you encounter the thoughts/beliefs of your mind.
As I sat here day by day, I also had to try and maintain some semblence of normal, to cook, clean, and engage with my kids and husband. The overlay of vipassana and normal life I would not recommend. However, I do know you can do it.
I also was Blessed with a caring husband, a working caring husband, and my children were old enough to take care of their needs, as long as I still took part in some of the mothering. But even that I was replused from, for what kind of a mother was I, if I believed in nonsensical things?
My job was one day a week. So I literally had all day long to vipassana, and then to quickly put together a meal, straighten up the house, and put on my ‘volunteer’ sticker and after that fall into bed.
It was such a juxtaposition to do the vipassana all day and then be a normal mother/wife when they popped back in.
But I do now believe that the ‘normal’ life added with vipassana kept me from going insane.
My husband always always believed that I was strong enough to handle all of this, he never wavered not once.
My life was perfectly set up to do this at home vipassana insight meditation, and it didn’t matter how I breathed or sat, but that I was intent on not being distracted. In fact my daily distractions were what kept me with one hand on reality.
I know that as he sits with nonsensical things floating around in his head, nonsensical things that terrorize his body, bring up huge amounts of anxiety, he is one brave soul. And I am so grateful that he too will have the opportunity to be distracted taking care of somebody. It gives you a purpose, it helps you begin to build up a new image, a new you.
His heart is open wide, his intent is beyond reapproach, and is willingness of spirit brings admiration.
I am cheering you on….I know you can!
