While pondering how my family didn’t like what they saw in me at the time of our discovery of my father being a pedophile, they didn’t seem to have the same adverse reaction to him.
While I reacted viscerally to him and this new news, they seemed unaffected, meaning they treated him as before.
Yet they began to treat me differently.
My father and I, it seems stood in the truth of who we were. His role and then mine, and it seemed for some reason, they were not able to handle mine, but his.
Isn’t it odd that they were able to bring him to counsel, to visit him in jail, to pay his defense fees, to give him a lighter sentence, to make sure his every need was taken care of in this new Light.
But when it came to seeing me in a new light, no one even tried. And here we are four and a half years later and ‘I can’t read your blog.’
I am not asking them to escort me, to pay any money, to excuse my behavior, to take one step for me, but it is not something they want to do. More repulsed by me!
I just find this fascinating, how it reveals and sheds light on why abuse is able to prevail, for the families stand arm and arm with the perpetrator and let the victim walk alone.
My mind has a hard time understanding how this works in their world.
What I had felt at the time of his arrest, trial etc, was that way more attention is paid to the pedophile, and very little to the victim. I know that I am not a victim of that trial, that I was too old, too many years have passed, I had nothing to contribute to his trial, but from my prospective the system is only catering to one side.
Off balance in society and in families.
I am not surprised that little children are silently suffering alone. I am not surprised, for they too felt it viscerally to the depth of their beings; they were being left behind, because they were now changed.
Two people are changed at the time the child speaks, two people are turned into something different, and in my experience, the child/victim is to blame, feels the responsibility in turning a so called normal man into a monster.
In fact it is up to the child to ‘prove it’ they have to be strong enough to stand against a team of people that are daring you to expose the unthinkable.
Even at my big age and size, it is daunting to sit in a place where they don’t want to hear your experience, and the hurt they project that we caused.
Again, two people changed that day, and I was the worse of the two, I was one who they didn’t want to hear.
I know they will say, that I did not try, but I recall the phone calls where it seems I was going against the power of the Universe to convince them our father was a monster.
Impossible task, and what I was really stating, I was not going to be the usual sister, I wasn’t going to be the usual daughter, the usual victim, and it was easier to assume his new change than mine.
This will ride along with me today as I once again toss mail.
I am harder to deal with than a pedophile, wow.
We both turned and he was easier to be with……incredible!
“In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.”
Martin Luther King.
