Don't pretend to be what you are not, don't refuse to be what you are. Nisagradatta Maharaj
This seems so easy, like a very honorable and authentic way to be, and why would you want to do you differently?
“Don’t pretend to be what you are not”. What does that mean?
To me it means to be what you feel, but what happens if you feel frightened of family, then what.
It is an odd place to be in, where others feel comfortable and at home with family, I am uneasy, and feel shaky inside.
And I have the key to stop the fear, to tame the beast called family. I lie.
I pretend to be what I am not, and then they will not holler at me, say mean things, and pretend to be happy with me.
Does this make sense to you?
If I pretend to go along with the flow of abuse and abusers, if I just quietly get back in line, they will all recede and go back to a false normal.
I become a false me which allows them to be a false them.
They can then pretend to be interested in me and I can pretend that I agree with them.
We will be a pretend family, pretending to be comfortable with each other.
How often in the past I pretended to go along, while inside I was in total disagreement? How often did I toss aside who I was and pretended to agree? Endlessly.
My mother demanded her way or she would scorn her disproval, and we would get left feeling less than.
I didn’t realize how much her way has influenced me in being a people pleaser and how hard it is to face the scorn and the withdrawal of love.
Perhaps the withdrawal of love hurts more.
I have heard rumors that I have two brothers in town, who came up for hunting, and it feels me with dread to happen upon them.
It seems that life requires me to dip back into the waters of that family time and time again.
“Time heals all wounds” is a downright lie. The wounds in our relationship between sister and brother or sister and sister don’t heal with time.
They are not healed magically after almost 5 years of absence, and my body and soul don’t forget their last words or their actions, it trembles when we face them yet again.
I wonder about that? I wonder what that means about me?
Mostly I wonder if I will always respond to them that way?
Wouldn’t it be worse to not tremble?
Shouldn’t my body respond in kind when facing them? Is it the correct response to someone bringing bad energy?
It makes me feel better knowing that my body, reality and my knowing are all in agreement. These folks are not coming to me bringing kindness and love.
Even though it hurts to know that they want to harm me, it makes me feel better to stand firm with the sensations of my body.
Byron Katie in her book “Loving What Is,” speaks of ‘something in me tends to move away from you’. It is like we are being steered away and we move in agreement.
This is how I feel, but another part of me is apologetic for being repelled by them.
My body and its warning system haven’t failed me yet.
I have failed it.
I failed to notice its warning lights.
I failed to move away, to steer clear of bad energy and I caused my body disease.
Now that I have corrected the readings and adjusted or I am attuned to its perfection, I refuse to be what I am not.
I refuse to call it love when I feel fear.
