While sorting envelopes on Saturday (my Birthday) in my hand lay another card from my mother, it lay there heavy; the weight I felt was that she continues to want something from me.
I didn’t open it until on my way home, although the envelope was addressed for my whole family, inside the handwritten scrawl was just for me.
“"Miss sharing life with you. Five years have been wasted, let's not waste anymore. Forgive my many failings as a mother and be friends. May 2010 bring comfort love and a peaceful heart.
Love always and forever, Mom."
She feels she can label my last five years as wasted, perhaps for her, they were.
In the past five years, I have come a million miles and have experienced and felt a million sorrows, dealt with a multitude of feelings and relationships, found my self wounded and then began little by little restructuring my life to support a healthier, happier and balanced person, I would never for a second consider my last five years a waste.
To so flippantly toss aside my last five years spent sorting out a mess she helped create, as wasted, is so typical of her.
If my actions are not supporting her, they indeed are seen as wasteful.
She then goes on and wants me to forgive her failings as a mother and let’s be friends.
She seems to recognize her failed attempts at being a mom and now wants to try for friendship.
Isn’t that like asking an abusive spouse instead of getting a divorce, ‘let’s be friends’.
To let all the hurt fall down in a pile of forgiveness and start once again, same people, same faulty behavior but a new role, let’s call this one friendship or insanity!
That is simply and totally insane, if she failed me as a mother, how in the hell can she be my friend?
I for one understand and have felt each and every failure and am neither willing nor able to begin again with this woman.
If you have a yard with a biting dog inside, will it help to move the dog to a new yard?
So I will fail again, waste more years of her life, and not get back into a new relationship with her.
I failed as a daughter of hers.
I failed as a supporter of hers.
When I fail her, I support me.
“May 2010 bring comfort love and a peaceful heart” what she fails to know is I have that away from her, her wish is granted.
