IMPERFECT Lady

We Begin Again.

"I exist in perpetual creative response to whatever is present."  Martha Beck

 

In yoga today, I was watching how I felt in each posture, where my attention was or my attitude, was I accepting or enduring or somewhere in the future.

 

Today I wasn’t fighting Bikram and the length of time he wanted me to stay with the posture, nor was I expecting me to do beyond what I did.

 

If I went in very mindful and controlled and had a good breathing sequence going, I was amazed at how much more I could do.

 

In fact I did so well on the Balancing Stick, I was eager to tell you all, but the next two were horrible, for I was ahead of the pose, expecting a perfect one before I even began, based on the prior one.

 

Well, the prior one was gone, it was a whole new game, and I didn’t focus, breathe or concentrate.  I wasn’t in that pose, I fell out and had to chuckle at the difference between the two.

 

I caught the feeling of how quickly moments go by, how we have to grab and drink of each one, and not worry about the flavor of the next, or indulge to long in a past one.  We have this moment, right here.  

 

Right here, right now, we begin again. 

One Posture at a time.

It is here, I am half way done with the 60-day challenge, which means I got up 30 days in a row and did yoga, which to me is amazing.

 

I felt good today doing the yoga, I was stronger in some places, less wobbly, and was able to hold the postures longer.

 

I watched for resistance, and found some in weird places, just odd little muscles holding back.

 

My shoulder muscles for sure seem always to be zapping up energy in postures where they are not required. 

 

Also, my jaw muscles want to get involved, and they are in the way in Rabbit and actually when relaxed make my breathing easier and fuller.

 

My shoulders, neck and jaw are the three places where I stored all my resentment and stress.

 

It is odd, that my upper body was bracing and feels stiff, and my lower body is slack and yielding and weak.

 

I am thinking as my legs walk my truth as I lock my knees against things that are not good for me, this will balance out.  And then my shoulders can relax and as long as I speak my truth, my jaw doesn’t have to clench in frustration.

 

I told those muscles to relax now, that I had a better grasp on life, and that they no longer had to stand guard against things I didn’t pay attention to.

 

It is like my body has been bracing itself for the next assault; knowing that I would go against the body to help/be/do for the others good, not mine.

 

Like any broken relationship it takes time to mend and build trust, but we can one posture at a time.

 

Weaken Who I Am

Here we are on Day 29, and I discovered that not all my muscles are co-operating, that some are actually preventing me from doing a pose better. 

 

It is like discovering you have this team that has been working against you on the inside, traitors.

 

How interesting to see that if I can relax these resisting muscles, the other ones don’t have to pull as hard and we get to go deeper in the pose.

 

I am not certain if this is normal, but it is normal for me.

 

It is like these muscles represent the subconscious parts of me, the underlying beliefs that tend to work against you, keeping you from moving forward.

 

When in Half Moon, Bikram will say “push push push, you can trust me,” or he will say “you are in fear…”

 

He is making us go beyond fear, beyond where we are comfortable.

 

He knows what holds us back, what is working against us, and he is pushing us and making us struggle to overcome those fears and resistance.

 

What he works mostly on is the resisting muscles and beliefs, weakening them while building up opposing ones. 

 

He is tearing down while building up.  This is incredible to me.  For when I was sorting through the old me, I knew I had to bring in new on the other side.

 

He is tearing down our fears, our lack, and our insecurities. 

 

It is the opposite of what I thought, I thought he was making me stronger, and he is by taking out the things that weaken who I am!

  

 

 

Slowly Growing Lighter...

Today is the 28^th day; imagine just two away from being halfway to a milestone we agreed upon, close to the top and the down hill slope.

 

I am very aware that we have others who began this journey a week or more behind us, and I feel right now that I will continue doing this until all have crossed the line of 60, so no one is doing this alone. 

 

I still feel inept and struggle while doing the yoga, but I have yet to have a real battle about whether to do it or not.  Now, having said that, next week I work each day, let’s see what tune I am singing then! 

 

It doesn’t feel like a burden in my life, like it is a harsh punishment, or something that weighs heavy on me, like guilt.

 

Just being in the process of improving has lightened my load.

 

Maybe I feel the absence of guilt more than the benefits of yoga; the weight of negative saturation has lifted, my life feels lighter, freer and brighter.

 

It is like I wore my bulk of negative feelings, wrapped around me smothering my body making it difficult to move freely.

 

I wonder if there is an actual time that passes before the body feels the total affect of no longer carrying around bad self-talk and guilt, where the accumulations disappear?

 

If I can feel a lighter me, one that is more opaque then dense, I am certain the body feels this too, and the changes are occurring inside.

 

Slowly growing lighter…

 

 

Starts With Me.

I am in the middle of reworking an old relationship, one where I have been very neglectful and actually very disrespectful and lazy.  In fact I had not even tried to see how my actions caused the other to suffer.

 

It is always shocking to see your part, to see what your non-actions have caused, to see the affects and to feel the affects.

 

Seeing an old relationship for the first time is not new to me, I have woken up and seen many places where I thought the relationship was fine, to then see it in a whole new light.

 

I am marveling at how close this one was and how blind I was to it.  How I sat very lazy expecting the other to change. 

 

In all my changes the last five years, it has always been me who needed to change, me, I was the common denominator in each relationship, and it was me where action was needed, always.

 

It is the same today.

 

My body is my last relationship that I have to fix, to heal and to change. 

 

What I love love love about this one, is that I am getting immediate results. 

 

The body doesn’t have its own agenda.  It isn’t fighting me against me, but following my lead.

 

Deepak says that the mind is manifested in the body, and I know that has to be right.

 

I had a lazy mind and a lazy relationship with this body, I expected the body to do all the work and serve up to me a healthy body, and I would ignore it until it did.  Or worse treat it badly expecting it not to show.

 

As I lay in the floor poses, it came to me, that I have lots of repairing to do to this broken relationship, that each day I am down here doing yoga, I am rebuilding and redefining my part in this relationship.

 

I am sad to see what I have caused, what my blindness, and selfish attitude has done. 

 

Yet grateful that I am able to have a second chance, to be aware now and that it is up to me.

 

In this relationship, I only matter, no one else but me can do this.  I always wanted total control, and now I have it.  Again, scary to actually know, if I fail so does the body, and if I win we both do.

 

I could feel the narrow space I stood upon and no one was there to blame.  I carried it all.

 

It is like abusing yourself and being shocked that you are abused!  You look and feel abused while you are abusing yourself, a mad cycle.

 

Owning the hand that is slapping you.  Insanity!  Then blaming the abused body for looking abused.

 

Each day of yoga is a loving caress a loving hug, a way to undo all the years of abuse. 

 

The love starts with me.    (26 days of loving)

Using Your Full Potential

By the time morning came my aching body was at peace, and it was once again time to do yoga.

 

I approached this with great feelings of just where my muscles and joints were, paying attention to respect the tenderness shadows.

 

I watched those same spots where yesterdays ache lived; being gentle but firm I stayed with my body and Bikram.

 

My breath and patience seemed to bring a new level of yoga, an understanding yoga, or compassion of my body yoga, a patient yoga.

 

I am thinking by doing this each day, our bodies keep up with us, that there is no time for slippage, we continue to build upon the day before. 

 

The aches seemed to move around, and lately my legs and hips are really taking a beating. 

 

I wrapped a quilt with wool batting around me last night, breathing in a yoga or meditative breath; I was able to ease the ache away.

 

As my body struggles to comply with all the rigors these yoga postures demand, it can’t help but speak out.  It speaks in the only way it can, by feelings.

 

Feelings of growth of being used, a healthy healing feeling, bringing me further and further into wholeness.  Imagine using the muscle’s fullest potential. 

 

Now imagine using your full potential.

 

“The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.”  

  Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

A Yoga Lady In Me.

Well it is day 24 of the 60-day Bikram Yoga Challenge, and I still feel like this is something I want to do.  I am not certain if it is my body that needs it, if the challenge is making me do it, if I caught a glimpse of what it feels like to really take care of my body, but somehow I am still doing it.

 

It isn’t whether I will do it but when.  I am not resenting it or thinking of it like a job.  It isn’t even the challenge that keeps me going, it seems like a system in me has decided to pay attention to this body. 

 

My old system didn't care, this new system feels a sacred connection to this body.

 

This new me would feel the neglect, just as much as the new me feels the body responding to this daily practice.

 

For whatever reason this is going ahead.  I can’t even say it is you all, for I have more faith in you completing it than I, for I am not usually like this.

 

This somehow feels like doing Art, you either are inspired or you are not.  For some reason I am inspired to create a yoga lady in me.

Well it is day 24 of the 60-day Bikram Yoga Challenge, and I still feel like this is something I want to do.  I am not certain if it is my body that needs it, if the challenge is making me do it, if I caught a glimpse of what it feels like to really take care of my body, but somehow I am still doing it.

 

It isn’t whether I will do it but when.  I am not resenting it or thinking of it like a job.  It isn’t even the challenge that keeps me going, it seems like a system in me has decided to pay attention to this body. 

 

My old system didn't care, this new system feels a sacred connection to this body.

 

This new me would feel the neglect, just as much as the new me feels the body responding to this daily practice.

 

For whatever reason this is going ahead.  I can’t even say it is you all, for I have more faith in you completing it than I, for I am not usually like this.

 

This somehow feels like doing Art, you either are inspired or you are not.  For some reason I am inspired to create a yoga lady in me.

I realize I am me.

What I have been marveling at for the past few days, is how time goes by no matter what we are doing, and we use up energy trudging in one direction or another, but depending upon where you are heading, you will get different results.

 

You all may have discovered this, but for some reason when I made changes to what I did physically, instead of just mentally, the results can’t be denied.

 

Not only do I feel different, I am beginning to look different.

 

Doing workouts for mental wellness and to balance your self emotionally inside, doesn’t show up outside.

 

There are of course subtle differences, which others feel radiating from you, and you feel different, but your body size is the same etc.  There are no before and after pictures to show.

 

As shocking as it is to find myself so out of shape physically, it is nothing compared to how out of shape mentally and emotionally I was. 

 

This challenge seems easier to walk, I become prettier as I go, where digging in the mess, it seemed I found aspects of my self that were horrifying and my past behaviors so blatantly dysfunctional.

 

The term ‘Self-Realization’ always seemed like a sacred term, where one would find them selves equal to the Divine God; smear free without an error or a speck of guilt, standing perfectly perfect, certainly not imperfect.

 

But to me there are two ways to self realize; one to see yourself behaving badly, and two to see yourself treating yourself kindly.

 

Own your actions.

 

My first 46 years were actions that reaped love and approval from my parents, but neglected my self.

 

Martha Beck would call that living as a Social Self, in her book, “Finding Your Own North Star.”

 

When I discovered that I was supporting their lives, but not living my own separate life, I then realized I didn’t know my essential self outside of their system.

 

What I am certain of is this yoga unveils the Essential Self. 

 

When you lock you knee, you will be able to stand against the ‘social self’ the one that seeks approval and love of others and be strong in voice and action for the Essential Self.

 

Each day that I bring myself to yoga, I will uncover more of my essential Being.

 

Who am I? 

What is my Purpose? 

What is the reason for my Birth?

 

It is so exciting to have a life of my own.

I am who I was born to be!

I realize I am me.   

Day 23

 

My Dream Begins.

I feel different in my head.  I see myself differently, my future is unclear, and my sense of who I am seems to be shaky at best.

 

I have always known who I was and felt like an apathetic passenger in life.  But something changed.  Where before my future seemed to be locked in, like a set of railroad tracks without an exit, it no longer looks that way. 

 

Instead it seems that life is waiting for me to decide what it is I want to do. 

 

Shocking.

 

It is like when I see myself doing yoga and then see the changes, somehow this too can happen in life itself.

 

I make a choice in the morning to do yoga, and each time I do that, I am changing me inside and out.  I move and it moves!

 

I have the choice to play in my Art, to write, to learn something new, but I have to be the one to move.

 

A new class will not arrive in my living room, new quilt designs do not come crawling into my work area, and I have to be the one to move first.

 

Before I think I thought, that life would offer to me the opportunity.  Now I know that I have to first express the feeling of wanting it. 

 

I wanted to take care of my body better, and I knew by looking at its neglect that it would require something from me.  Yet, once I began doing this and have continued, it is giving more back to me than I am giving it. 

 

The more time we spend on taking care of this body the more life it will give us back. 

 

The healthier it is the more it is alive, the more aliveness, the more energy, the more energy the more we feel free to dream, the more we dream, the more life will open up, the more it opens up the more possibilities arise, as possibilities come, along comes the fearless trying, bringing us further and further into our dream!

 

I can feel the avalanche of life’s possibilities; the sparks dreams are made of, the energy that ignites and explodes and how it all happens.

 

When I move my dream begins. 

Seeds For A Better Tomorrow.

Bikram writes in his book, Bikram Yoga about the ‘Intangibles’ of yoga.

 

“These are some of the most important ways that yoga acts on the body to create perfect health.  Keep in mind, though, that yoga is not reducible to a quantified number of medical benefits.  Even as yoga makes measurable changes in your muscles, organs, bones and spine, it also is working on what we call the ‘subtle anatomy,’ renewing and reviving you at the cellular level, invisibly taking care of every atom and molecule. There’s an emotional and psychological aspect to the healing process as well – the mind/body connection.  As much as I like describing things in terms of cars, yoga doesn’t just give you a mechanical tune-up.  This is soul-stretching we’re doing, mind-restoring and Spirit-building.  The unquantifiable improvements in your quality of life and your attitude toward life make themselves felt in every cell as well.  When you’re well, they’re well.

 

One of the yoga’s most miraculous effects is the way it actually increases your energy, rather than depletes it.  After practicing 90 minutes of postures, you’re not dragging and exhausted – you’re raring to go.  Your feet barely touch the ground!  How can this be?  First, you are in tune, so you operate and process fuel more efficiently. You can go further on less gas.  We also believe that through the breathing exercises, you are generating vastly greater amounts of prana, life energy, so naturally you feel more energized.  On a medical level, you are taking in more air, oxygenating all your cells and charging them with energy.

 

My guru quantified this effect; he taught that one complete Hatha Yoga session infuses the body with enough energy for up to 16 days of health and increased longevity.  Practice again the next day and you gain another 16 days, while using only one.  It’s like putting money in the bank for future use. Put that money in the bank every day, and watch it add up, with interest.”     Bikram Choudhury

 

That sounds rather impressive and it seems about right, for what it requires of us in those 90 minutes.

 

This is serious yoga with serious quantifiable results; just learning to grasp the beginning of each pose will result in huge payoffs.  Maybe just arriving on the mat each day is a victory against long held past routines.

 

It seems like it can go either way, until I am standing ready to take my first yoga breath, I then know I am on the next day’s session.

 

It is not guaranteed that I will arrive each morning, but I don’t worry or stress about it in between. 

 

I have intentions of continuing, but you just never know.

 

My lack of self-trust is showing, my past behaviors out number the good ones.  My endurance to continue being kind to myself has not been a steady pattern in my life.

 

It seems ‘something’ always comes in and knocks me out of my good intentions.

 

Each day that I do one more yoga, I am building a history of successes.

 

Dr. Phil says the biggest predictor of future behavior is past.  I am planting seeds for a better tomorrow. (21 days)