IMPERFECT Lady

Who I Was Born To Be.

“Who I Was Born To Be” sung by Susan Boyle.

 

When I was a child

I could see the wind in the trees

And I heard a song in the breeze

It was there, singing my name.

 

But I’m not a girl

I have known the taste of defeat

And I’ve finally grown to believe

It will come around again.

 

And though I may not

Know the answers

I can finally say I’m free

And if the questions lead me here, then

I am who I was born to be.

 

And so, here am I

Open arms ready to stand

I’ve got the world in my hands

And it feels like my turn to fly.

 

And though I may not

Know the answers

I can finally say I’m free

And if the questions lead me here, then

I am who I was born to be.

 

When I was a child

There were flowers that bloomed in the night

Unafraid to take in the light

Unashamed to have braved the dark

 

And though I may not

Know the answers

I can finally say I’m free

And if the questions lead me here, then

I am who I was born to be.

I am who I was born to be.

 

(You can hear her sing this song on www.oprah.com 

It is awesome to hear)

 

Growing Me.

I made it 20 days, a third of the way there, and I wish I had rose colored glasses that would allow me to be fooled that there will be magic at 60.

 

Sixty will just be sixty days; just as twenty days is twenty days. 

 

I can’t fool myself that this challenge will bring me a new body and life, but rather I know this challenge has gotten me doing what I knew I needed to do, daily.

 

Yes, I am happy I have 20 days of giving my body what it desperately needed, 20 days where my mind sat in the backseat mumbling weak complaints, 20 days where I focused and gave 110% of my attention to me, it shows me that if you set your intentions, it can happen.

 

I guess my fear is that I will stop, IF I pay too close attention to the numbers, and not look at me.  Afraid that once I hit the milestone of 60, I will recline in the completion of the challenge, and once again look away from me. 

 

I see the challenge and I see my body and I see the ramifications of getting too caught up in just completing the challenge. 

 

I must look beyond, far ahead and have a bigger challenge, a life changing challenge, look at this being a new way of life, not just a detour in a contest of determination. 

 

In order to have a different life and body, I have to go beyond the sixty days, otherwise my body will relax into itself, again.

 

Maybe there is fear in knowing what I need to change, but not sure if I have the stamina to keep doing it.

 

It is like I can see both sides, one is dangling there useless, stiff and hurting, and the other side is free of all of that, but in the middle is the place where the choice is made.

 

In the middle is where the rubber meets the road, and I stand there each morning when I decide to do yoga or not. 

 

It is scary and freeing to know that all that stands between fitness and me is Me.

 

Will I love myself enough to pay attention, to put forth 110% just for me? 

 

Is twenty days convincing enough, have I gotten in the habit of loving me and paying attention to me?  Do I believe it yet?

 

How long will this go on and what happens if I stop?  It seems that if I stop, I stop loving me, seeing me, being with me, and revert to my old habits of letting me go.

 

I guess I am giving my mind fair warning; I am not stopping at 60, for I am just getting started. 

 

The seeds of self-love, self-care, and self-awareness are being planted; will I have the stamina to continue growing me.

 

 

The Bond Strengthens

A little bit of trust is showing, a tad of self-control, and even some owning of determination, I have completed 19 days heading in the direction of reinventing this body into becoming a physically strong and healthy one.

 

I am just on the beginning curve, just rounded the corner, and I am feeling that I can do this, that IT is possible. I caught a glimpse of my soul in my eyes today; we are taking back this body.

 

While reading Deepak Chopra, “Reinventing The Body, Resurrecting The Soul,” he states;

 

“Without a doubt, the body needs reinventing. To have a meaningful life, you have to use your body – you can’t experience anything without one – and so your body should be meaningful, too.  What would give your body its highest meaning, purpose, intelligence, and creativity?  Only the sacred side of our nature. This led me to the phrase, “resurrecting the soul.”  I am hesitant to use religious terms because they are loaded with emotional baggage, but soul is unavoidable.  Ninety percent of people believe they have a soul, and that it gives their lives ultimate meaning.  The soul is divine; it connects us to God.  Insofar as life contains love, truth, and beauty, we look to our soul as the source of those qualities; it’s no accident that a perfect love is called a soul mate.

 

There is constant feedback between the soul and body. We invented the separation between the two, and then came to believe that separation was real.

 

You may object that you’ve never felt ecstatic or sensed the presence of God.  This simply reflects our narrow conception of soul, confining it to religion.  If you look into the wisdom of traditions of every culture, you will find that the soul has other meanings.  It is the source of life, the spark that animates dead matter.  It creates the mind and emotions.  In other words, the soul is the very foundation of experience. It serves as the channel for creation as it unfolds in every second.  What makes these lofty ideas important is that every thing the soul does is translated into a process in the body.  You literally cannot have a body without the soul.  This is the forgotten miracle.  Each of us is a soul made flesh.”   Deepak

 

I love the line, “You literally cannot have a body without the Soul.”  Yet for so long I wasn’t aware of my soul, or that my soul had a life that was separated from that of my parents, their beliefs and life patterns. 

 

Bikram and Deepak are in agreement, that the body runs the best when the Soul is in the driver’s seat, when the mind takes a backseat.

 

My Spirit is tentative at the wheel; unsure and wondering, having rode so long silently in the back.

 

Who knows where we will go, what we will do, what experiences are yet for me to experience, but how awesome to be with this delightful driver!

 

“Life is meant to be a complete experience.  People keep struggling with problems both physical and mental, never suspecting the root cause:  that the bond between body and soul has been severed. I wrote this book in the hope of restoring that bond.  I’m as eager and optimistic as the first day I used my scalpel to uncover the mysteries waiting under the skin, only now my optimism extends to the spirit as well.  The world needs healing.  To the extent that you wake up your soul, humankind is waking up the world’s soul.  It may yet happen that a wave of healing will sweep over us, a small wave at first, but one that could swell beyond all expectations in a single generation.”  Deepak

 

I am feeling the tentative hold of my soul and body connecting.  Each time I do yoga, the bond strengthens.

 

A Stranger In The Mirror.

"You don't have to worry about changing the world; just change yourself, and you will surely inspire the world to follow. The longest distance any of us ever has to travel to reach Self-Realization is 6 inches.  Take your hand, right now, and touch yourself on the forehead with the tips of your fingers.  That is where we all must start.  Now touch your fingertips to the center of your chest, right over your heart.  That is our ultimate destination.  Six inches lie between mind and heart, between ego and Spirit, between fear and love.  Six inches is all that separates us from God.  It is the true path to Self-Realization, the way is lit by yoga."     Bikram

 

It is day 18, a nice number and my yoga is strong, or I was strong with yoga. 

 

The pain in my hip has changed and it now feels more like a healing pain, not a stopping pain.  I am able to relax in the pose instead of just bearing it, moving slightly deeper each set.

 

What I felt somewhere during yoga yesterday that perhaps what was stopping me was not the fear of an old memory, but maybe the fear of a new me, or the mixture of both. 

 

As I was letting go, maybe I was surrendering to the death of the old me, and succumbing to the new unfamiliar me.

 

In that weird spot of letting go and not able to grab firmly on to a new me, I knew that I was not alone, that I would not be asked to traverse this by my self.

 

An overwhelming feeling of gratitude flooded me, knowing once again the Universe and I would witness together each adjustment.

 

It did not forsake me in the darkest of times, so I am certain It will walk with me now.

I will be in awe of the synchronicity and flow.

 

Watching everything I need fall into place at the right and perfect time. 

 

My only task is to give 110% to yoga each day, and surrender to the flow of change.

 

When I look into the mirror during yoga, I see so much of my mother, for I reflect her image closely.  I look deeply each day for her to recede and watch for sprouts of a new me.

 

About five years ago I had said that my father would not define who I am, it never has occurred to me to set the same tone with my mother, so I did so today.

 

Her image shares the mirror with me, I had emulated her so closely, each day I desire to see less and less of her, and more and more of me.

 

To see a Me I have not met, a stranger in the mirror.

Yoga Is On Your Side!

Mastering the Mind.  By Bikram Choudhury in his book, “Bikram Yoga”

 

You will also require the will to insist on going- even when people are telling you you’re stupid to do so – and the discipline to make yourself try over and over again, to never give up no matter what the obstacles, until you reach your goal.  You need both mental toughness and physical toughness.  In all there are five qualities of mind that you have to instill; faith, self-control, determination, concentration and patience.  Like the eight forms of yoga, they operate interdependently and simultaneously.  The good news is that you’re already learning them.  As you continue to improve your body in Bikram Yoga classes, you will also naturally increase all five Raja Yoga powers.  And your mind will be tested and toughened under the duress that only my Torture Chamber and my unrelenting Dialogue can supply.  You will become distraction proof, emotion-proof, mood-proof, attitude-proof yogi, because you have entered into cosmic consciousness.  Here’s how.

 

First, understand that the mind is at once the most important and the most complicated subject in human life.  With a foundation of mental strength, you can truly accomplish anything.

 

Without control of mind, you can do nothing.  You have something, but you don’t know how to use it.  The greatest challenge we face as human beings is controlling and properly using our own minds.

 

The mind is the communications system between the physical body and the Soul or Spirit; its primary responsibilities are to control the body and supply the Spirit with immediate and exact information.  When the mind instead gives distracted and wrong information, the Spirit cannot govern properly – in fact, it cannot assume control at all.  The ego-driven mind has had to rule for itself, and now it does not want to give up its ultimate authority over your life.  This is a bitter, perverse fact about human beings, but it is the truth.

 

Without proper training, the mind will continue to give you the wrong information and divert your focus from your Spiritual goals.  The way it does that so successfully is with fear and desire – its primary weapons.  Like a drug dealer, the mind gets addicted to these two opposite but conjoined emotions, and when we are constantly reacting to our attractions and aversions to people, things and situations, we can’t see what really is and reopen the channels of our true Self, the Spirit.  That’s why I say that the mind has become our worst enemy.

 

To overcome this will not be easy. The weak mind is ever growing, constantly feeding on your fears and negative habits.  And as my Guru taught me, the natural human attraction to something negative is NINE TIMES more powerful than our gravitational pull to toward the positive- another inconvenient fact.

 

In the philosophy of yoga, we say there are five big negative behaviors, or Don’ts, which collectively are call Yama (in Sanskrit).  They are: harming or injuring others; stealing; lying; possessiveness or greed; and neglecting or rejecting the Divine.  The five Do’s, or Niyama, are keeping the body and mind pure; self discipline; training the senses; studying the Divine; and surrendering to it.  Now think of our own life:  Why are you so often drawn to the Yama, things you know are bad for you?  Why is it so hard to resist them, to get off your fat, lazy butt and go to yoga class?  The power of negative attraction.  Negative attitudes and emotions are like black holes in space, so powerful that they swallow everything that passes in front of their mouths, so even light cannot escape.

 

Resisting them demands much mental strength and supreme control.  By regularly practicing Hatha Yoga and developing your faith, self-control, determination, concentration, and patience, you can break those powerful distractions…..”  Bikram Choudhury

 

If you take nothing else from this section, know that each time you are about to change an old negative habit you are going against something 9 times stronger than the positive change you are making.

 

I know this is true, coming from where I have walked; it literally felt like I was going up against an army of negative voices, to one solitary positive force. 

 

But little by little you find your faith in your Self and your Spirit is walking with you cheering on each time you wrestle another choice from the mind.  It is once again the two choices, mind or you.

 

Yoga is on your side.

 

 

One Step

During the past few yoga sessions, my left hip has been giving me lots of troubles. It is very stiff and sore and really unable to relax and give.

 

Today while on the floor separate leg stretching pose, I literally told my body to let it go.  Let go of what seems to be in the way of me relaxing.

 

Of course I knew that I maybe opening a memory or letting a wall down so a memory could surface, but the pain is too intense now to not let it go.  I can’t get further in the pose, for this stiff pain is in the way.

 

It is stopping me, a blockage, painful stiffness that stops me, like a wall.

 

Depending upon which side of the wall you are on, you will see a different view.

 

As a little girl I had to build up a wall to block out the pain and swirling emotions, now that same wall is in the way again.  I may have to see what the wall protected me from, or at least feel it.

 

If my fear is keeping that wall up, I said today, it is okay, let it go.

 

As I focus on the pain in my hip and lower back during Fixed Firm, I am pushing against that wall.

 

In Spine Twisting, the first side is the left side, and I can no longer get my self into that posture well, for the pain in the hip screams and attracts too much attention. 

 

I have been trying to breathe and relax that hip, but can’t seem to do it, which is why today, I kept repeating, “It is okay now, let it down, and let it go, we are okay.”

 

I don’t have access to lowering the wall or making a stiff painful joint become fluid, but I can let the body know that I am ready now to get rid of the fear inside of me, to feel what needs to be felt, to express what needs to be expressed.

 

The time seems right to let go, to surrender and no longer resist seeing what is. 

 

Tears came while being sung to again by Bikram, they have no direct label on them.  Just a knowing that I was going to make corrections to this body, and we were all right. 

 

Those hurtful postures seem to be directly related to the pain a young child would feel being raped.  Perhaps that is enough, to feel that pain, again.

 

I always feel like a child, and comfort myself with knowing arms.  I wonder if someday there will be no more pain in my life, my hips, my body, it seems almost surreal that it could be possible. 

 

It seems like I am going backwards through the pain, and will I get to where there will be no more pain, just a flexible free strong body.

 

One step backwards at a time….one step.

 

You Decide (day 15)

I can see the beginning stages of my yoga lady’s final design, how it is being sculpted each day little by little.   New glimpses are being revealed, a straighter arm, chin closer to shoulder, leg higher, forehead touching, knee straighter, balanced longer, daily another section of my yoga lady is being refined.  And I am the sculptor, the designer!

 

It is like being in the middle of an active Art piece.

 

What effort I put in today, what strength I bring forth, what concentration I give, will all add its weight in building me into a healthy strong yoga girl.

 

I could see how paying attention to this one minute or second in each pose is all that matters.  My yoga lady will grow a little in each pose.

 

You can’t skip the beginning steps, anymore than a builder can leave the foundation and begin on the roof.

 

It is exciting to actually be right in the middle of being the designer and being the design.  It is awesome.

 

And only I can stop the design, leave before we get to see what doing yoga each day can do for a body that is 51 years old and overweight. 

 

Imagine I sculpt myself, or I can lie back down and let my yoga lady design never materialize.

 

As I faced the mirror today, I truly felt the presence of the designer and the design, and knew that it was up to me to keep this process going, I had to arrive in the studio each day, breathe deeply and then give it my all in each effort, bending and twisting, pulling and stretching, like I am a piece of clay that has sat out too long, it needs to be kneaded into a pliable living breathing  sculpture.

 

I see two choices, just two small decisions to be made each day. 

 

A lump of clay or a sculpture, you decide….

 

 

Pleased Doing Me Day 14

I am sitting here with Bikram’s voice continuing on, another class is in session in my house, and I am not doing it.

 

His voice is encouraging my youngest daughter to put her young body into the same positions I just came from.

 

Imagine doing this yoga at 19 years old~

 

I can’t wait to hear how it went.

 

While I did yoga today, I had a few postures where my mind ran away with my attention, so I was doing them, but not really focusing on the muscles that were being stretched.  It seems for me, I daydream on the floor poses.  When I do this my body doesn’t get 110% benefit.

 

I also know that when I focus intently, and bring in the breath to help me, my body responds in smiles and high-fives!

 

Pride spreads throughout my body.

 

Each day, inch by inch there is progress, certainly no perfect pose pops out, but a wonderful start.

 

The yoga critic wants to slip in and she is very judgmental and it wants this body to do things it is way not ready for; the critic doesn’t believe in imperfections being perfect.

 

The critic doesn’t allow for beginners to look like beginners, for old stiff bodies to be old and stiff, leaning into the postures to the best of their abilities.

 

It is like that loud mouth fan that screams at the player to do better, while never leaving the bench.

 

I wonder if the yoga critic ever did Bikram yoga?

 

Who is this critic, where did it come from and just what does it expect from you.  And if you leave the yoga, don’t you think it will follow you and then become a critic of something else?

 

A critic arrived when I began quilting, actually a bunch, we called them the quilt police, and another arose when I ventured off into the land of Art Quilts, an art critic was born.

 

I am wondering if the critic is fear based?

 

Dare to move beyond the words of your worst critic, fear of failing and looking a fool, of disappointing yourself and others, fear of not succeeding, and of not doing it right.

 

If you listen to the voice you won’t move.  You will stay right where you are, and the critic wins.

 

You can’t please the critic, but you can be pleased with your self.

I am pleased doing me!

 

I Can Day 13

As I lay in bed, tired from my late night, I was pondering putting off yoga until later on, then the puppy barked.

 

Standing outside in the fresh air, now wide-awake, I decided yoga it will be, and it was almost 5am.

 

My body didn’t seem that affected by the late night and only 6 hours of sleep, surprisingly we did all right.

 

We keep getting affirmations how the mind tells us false predictions, “you are too tired to do yoga,” and without trying, I may have believed it.

 

By challenging the voice and at least attempting to begin, you can make a new belief.

 

My new belief is that I can stay up late and get up early and do yoga.  I did it.

 

It is wonderful to know the truth.

 

Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor helped me understand the mind, and how the right and left side each hold a role.

 

The left side had a file marked, “too tired in the morning after a late night, I can’t.”  Which I am sure was created at a weak moment, where I needed an excuse to get out of doing something.

 

Now that file is replaced with, ‘I can do yoga with only 6 hours of sleep.”

 

How fun this is to switch the files from “I can’t to I can”!

 

“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result.”     Einstein  

 

What they didn’t tell us is that thinking the same thing over and over will stop you from getting a different result.

 

I am thinking that thinking is what stops most from doing anything.

 

How strong the words, “I can’t” are.  Imagine how they have the power to hold you in helpless, hopeless and keep you getting weaker and weaker.

 

Now imagine the power in the words “I CAN”!

 

“Think you can, think you can’t; either way, you’ll be right.”   Henry Ford

Imperfect Yoga Lady.

A dozen days of yoga, a dozen mornings where I resolutely walked downstairs and began yoga, twelve times that my body and awareness won.

 

I am surprised that there are times when a voice or feeling wants to ‘not do the yoga’, but that it is outvoted each day.

 

And the contest hasn’t been close.  The side that seems to have the most strength is the part of me that feels yoga is what I want to do.

 

This surprises me, usually I feel the slippery slope that I am on, where all it will take is a day where the voice is really strong and I will fall into a lazy excuse.

 

I remember that when I made up my mind that my father and his actions would not define me. The mindset was in cement.

 

It seems that this is the case again.  That even if the voice comes in, I already have a set plan.  So it can complain, but it rains along side me as I am doing the yoga.

 

In fact it surprised me that the body and I continue going ahead with yoga, one posture at time, allowing the voice to chatter on.

 

It is like watching your self do what you don’t want to do.

 

As I walked out of many dysfunctional relationships the same thing happened.  I would physically walk away while my mind protested loudly.

 

Today, this is exactly how my yoga felt.

 

That I was physically doing postures in the moment of today, that my past persona wasn’t happy about, yet I did them anyway.

 

I know that this is a great sign, a great indication that the core of me, is with me doing yoga.

 

There may be days where it will be difficult to begin, or days where it just seems that all balance is off, or that everything appears awkward and hard, but I have faith I will at least try.

 

I remember feeling so inept so out of sorts, so bad at being normal, and I feel the same with yoga.  I am not a graceful balanced strong yogi.

 

I am okay, being at the beginning again, being awkward and looking imperfect, for I am.

 

I am an imperfect yoga lady.