“When you live in reaction, you give your power away. Then you get to experience what you gave your power to.”
N. Smith
To be in the experience of what you gave your power to can be a life changing moment, it can make you feel victimized, and you are.
It is now very uncomfortable for me to lose my power, to lose sight of reality, to be a puppet in their reality.
In the past I was more comfortable being a puppet and it seemed normal to be moved by others needs and desires, I called it loving; I loved them so much, I gave up my freedom.
I laid down my life and my power and became powerless for love, and lifeless.
A victim of conditional love.
The condition is you are their puppet, you do what they want you to do, you say what they want you to say, and then you can be with them. Otherwise you are set aside, discarded and useless, they have no use for a puppet that is in its own power.
My daily routine of Bikram yoga is cutting the old strings, disconnecting the lines and I get to see where I used to come alive, how I moved and why.
It is an interesting and scary endeavor to experience the old ways with awareness, but when it is all said and done, I have found a part of myself that was being drained by fruitless actions.
I get a reality check as to what my puppet actions actually did, and it is the opposite of love.
Their indifference to my life while I served them is remarkable, what is more shocking is my indifference to my own.
I picked up my life at 46, and every now and again, I drop it for an old love, yet I soon learn their indifference to me is still there, and on I go, grabbing up my life again, a little shaken, a little bruised, but free.
(A survivor of a concentration camp said that the opposite of love is indifference, now I fully know what he means….)
