IMPERFECT Lady

Caretaker of Me!

“The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe.  If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened.  But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.”

  ~Friedrich Nietzsche

 

Peer pressure will always be there, the calling of a group, or the pressure to just go along with everyone else, to keep the peace, to not ruffle feathers, and it is usually at the cost of self.

 

What I think we instinctively feel is that we will be alone IF we go against the pack and it is usually the case, and nobody wants to be the odd man out.

 

So, instead of owning yourself, you just go along so you are not alone.

 

Being alone isn’t seen as a worthy goal, going with the flow and peacefully accepting the group consensus is.

 

What I find so intriguing is that I feel the draw of being part of a group even if it is dysfunctional and painful group!

 

My old co-dependency feels frightened to be disconnected and separated.  I feel the anxiousness at times of never fitting in or being together like that again.

 

It is like I have two separate dialogues going on at one time, my free spirit is cheering and celebrating, ‘thank God we don’t have to be part of that ever again,’ and my co-dependency longs to join up, hook up, tag team with anyone, be part of a group of any kind, to fit in and not be dangling free.

 

Once I can separate who wants what and what I really want, peace settles back in.

 

What relief that this body is no longer for rent!

 

I am the owner and caretaker of me! 

 

Real Me.

“Some people will not tolerate such emotional honesty in communication.  They would rather defend their dishonesty on the grounds that it might hurt others.  Therefore, having rationalized their phoniness into nobility, they settle for superficial relationships.” 

~Author Unknown

 

When I began following my truth and spoke with emotional honesty, it really never occurred to me that I was sealing the deal on having no relationship.

 

How sad and telling that most of my past relationships were based upon phoniness, either theirs or mine or both.

 

When I could no longer tolerate the absence of emotional honesty and the other side wasn’t ready for the full exposure to emptiness, our relationship ended.

 

Our phony relationship lay exposed.

 

It is funny how you can miss what wasn’t there, how you ache for the closeness you falsely created, incredible to grieve a loss of something you did not have.

It seems mental to feel separated and alone when a phony relationship dies. 

 

How can I grieve something phony?

How can I love something phony?

How can I have a relationship with phony?

 

Phony was the only family that I knew, was the only me I knew.

 

It is funny that you can crave a false thing, something that has no substance, like a drug.

 

It isn’t the drug itself, but the feeling.

 

I felt like I belonged.

 

Now I am standing separated from them.

 

I am different, perhaps no longer co-dependent.

 

Feeling strange at being totally alone and separated, yet totally connected to feelings, my emotions and me!

 

The phony me died, the phony relationships died and they gave birth to a real me.

 

“It takes two to lie.  One to lie and one to listen.” 

Homer Simpson

 

 

Victim to Victor.

Maya Angelou spoke of the differences between whining and protesting, that it is okay to stand up and speak up and take actions against those that harm, but not to sit and whine about them.

 

When you whine she said, ‘you attract more predators, for they hear your weakness.’

 

And the phrase, ‘don’t whine about it, do something about it’ comes to mind.

 

What I know for sure, my whining about my parents and their behavior would not have set me free. The only thing that would, was to protest by walking away.

 

I am not whining about my past, I am protesting the behaviors and or treatments that were handed out. 

 

Your actions are all it is needed to protest.

 

Whining is speaking without actions.

Only actions will move you from victim to victor.

 

The coolest Ride!

Heading off to school.....in the only transportation that he can legally drive on the roads.

You can't beat this ride or the views along the way! 
 
 

Our weakest link.

I have known that I am different, that I am out there and even thought to be mental, and indeed I am thinking that they are quite right.

 

When you see someone who is ‘mentally challenged’ ever notice how they don’t seem to pick up on the niceties of life, how subtleness seems to elude them, that they can’t help but blurt out things that are considered improper.

 

I am one of them.

 

Consider me mentally challenged.

 

I recall trying to distract my children when they were young and they wanted to utter words that I considered inappropriate, truthful things that we thought best to keep quiet.

 

Now the tables have turned and I notice them trying to distract me, or change the subject.

 

I am not certain if they think my silence will stop the truth from shining through or if they are not ready and willing to hear that which I am saying or are they trying to protect those I am speaking of.

 

It has been small things, not really important things, but nonetheless, funny to be on the end of being the one who is shushed.

 

At times I do feel like the precocious child, the one who is curious and trying to put all the pieces together, the one forever asking ‘why’ or ‘how come’, never satisfied with the flimsy replies and the tidy brush offs.

 

Brushing away reality and replacing it with this overlay of ‘grownup’ speak.

 

Speak that has little to do with truthful actions and more into painting a perfect picture.

 

I feel like I am always the one who spots the cat in the matrix, the one puzzle piece that doesn’t fit right. 

 

If there is something out of place or not quite right it immediately falls out of my mouth.

 

I am happy to fill you in on the wrongfulness, or discovery, but more and more I am finding that exposing this treasure is not what most want.

 

Me uprooting faults is not a welcome thing.

I recall reading that in India, they were taught to share with you things that were your weakness so you could become better, in the West it seems we help you cover them up.

 

And in doing so, you remain weak.

 

We are only as strong as our weakest link.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Naturally relaxed....

The more yoga I do, the deeper I go, the more places of stored tightness I find.  It is like there is a bottomless pit of resistance.

When it comes time to relax and go to sleep these muscles flex subconsciously.

I will notice my neck and shoulders are rock hard.

It maybe my thoughts prior that urge them on, but I have to breathe and focus to get them to unfold and lay down.

It seems my 'natural' state is to be stiff and now I am working to relax and reprogram my body.

I look forward to day 146 of Bikram yoga and wonder how long it will take to be naturally relaxed.

Imagine having to work to become naturally relaxed!

The Disguise

One man's junk is another man's treasure, applies to people too.  It is amazing how two people can view an individual in two contrasting ways.

Now the question is which person is right?  Does the individual change depending upon who he is with, or is 'beauty' really in the eye of the beholder?

What draws us to a person or repells us away?  Is it possible that however deep you are, you then are able to see deeply into their lives.

As I unpacked my childhood wounds and all the subsequence parcels, I changed the way I now look at people.  I see courage in those who fearlessly unpack and sort through years of feelings, emotions and pain, learning and correcting errors of their ways.  And that leaves me with nothing to say to those who have yet begun to unpack.

The unpacked souls run, are restless and anxious, forever moving to keep from feeling their pain.  Their overly flowerful praises are slung back and forth in hopes that they will dress up what lays beneath, like window dressings on a prison.

Unpacked, unshackled, unloaded, I am silent in knowing.

I see beneath the disguise.

Living Solo

Learning how to navigate life by using the inner signs, sensations, feelings, is like driver's training for being in a body.

Body training is something we all need to learn in order to live freely, instead of attached to another. You can tell how free you are by upsetting others.  If you always comply, you are not free but instead floating along attached to the other body.

Co-dependent bodies are hard to manage and get tangled up lots, and it gets so that you don't know if it is  your feeling or theirs, you life or theirs, you lose your self within their desires.

I found myself without a self, for I had no idea who I was or what I liked, I had no opinion without somebody's first.

Imagine that?  My body was led around by another's good opinion of me.

How scary and free it is to learn this, and how shocking to begin making moves that upset other bodies, while being a new me, but what glorious freedom!

The freedom to follow a feeling with an action, or speak up instead of suffer silently, to be truthful to myself and be willing to disappoint another, is being alive within my body.

It is so thrilling and frightening at the same time, to witness the detachment of yourself from another's approval. 

I love that I have control of my legs.  I can walk with you or away from you.

I love that I have hands, to either push you away or bring you close.

I love that I have a voice to speak my truth.

Learning to pilot your own body is living solo! 

Being Me!

I heard something today that I know I have never considered, that when you feel whatever it is you are feeling, that is you.  The You is comprised of feelings and so often we try and run from them, but then we are actually running from our self!

Geneen Roth and Oprah were discussing her book, "Woman, Food, and God" and about feeling discomfort of any kind and how we usually  eat when we feel uncomfortable. 

I see this like we are getting to know our bodies to be able to read what they are telling us, and if you look around your surroundings, you can usually find out what is the cause of those feelings.

In my case, the fear was justified from my father, fear didn't arise for no reason, my body was trying to tell me something, and I ignored the sensations within my body.

In her book, Geneen is trying to reconnect us back with our bodies and in doing so she will reconnect you with your truth.

It is an amazing journey to look at what you are doing instead of feeling that which you don't want to feel.

I simply love that what I feel is me.  And I love that I can now voice what I feel and act upon those feelings.  I no longer have to pretend that I don't feel what I feel, in fact I won't pretend to pretend to pretend any more!

I am now learning when to stop eating or when to eat.  I am getting to learn the signals of fullness from my belly.

What an exciting thing to learn about you by looking at your body.  She is the one too that says "Your beliefs are how your body looks."  Deepak Chopra says that the mind is manifested in your body.

The more conscious I am, the more aware of my body, the less influence the crazy mind has on what it does.

Just as I learned how to navigate out of dysfunctional relationships, I am hopeful that I can learn what kinds of foods my body really wants.  I will have to listen and pay attention to what it feels.

Learning every day about this magnificent living organism, the human body.  Which goes back to the saying "We are Spiritual Beings having a Human experience."

I am becoming more aware of both and learning what they both need, to have the best human experience of being me!

Thanks Geneen and Oprah.

A New Language of Me.

My laptop lost its way to the Internet, no connection can be found, a wonderful tool that sits in solitary confinement.  I can type upon it, but it lost the means to communicate.  It felt so odd to have it sitting there without the flow of giving and receiving.

Tomorrow I hope to call the Internet people and reconnect, how easy it is for a machine.

How much harder it is for us.  I even have the capabilities to speak and to hear and yet I lost the connection with my family.

Perhaps it is not the connection that is faulty but the words that pass between us.

I say things they don't want to hear and they say things that make no sense to me, it is like we are separated by a language problem.

You wonder where the words come from.  From fear or love?  Do they know?

Is there a way to fix this and how can it be done?

Who has to change the manner of speaking?  Is it me and what do I need to say?

I know it is me, I gave up the language of our childhood and began speaking a new tongue, a new dialogue that is unfamiliar to them, truth.

My new language had me walking a new path, my connections with my family were severed.

I am unsure where there will be the opportunity again to connect.

Until then I walk along learning a new language of me.