“Walking against the dream…” came to me in yoga, that why it has been such a struggle, I am walking the opposite of my dreams.
The dream was born with abuse, and what we cling to with our lives is the dream.
A dream that is opposite of reality, a dream of denial, a dream of illusion, a dream, a figment of our imagination.
My dream began as a very young girl, I lived in that dream, that dream was more than my reality. It was warm and cozy, loving and caring, a blanket that kept out the ugly truths.
What I failed to realize is that walking in reality wasn’t as hard as destroying the dream.
The dream was more precious to me than reality.
The dream was where I was loved, where I was good enough, where I mattered, ‘to them’.
I worked hard to keep that dream alive and now in the past five years I was working hard to destroy my lovingly safe place.
It is shocking to know this, and incredible to realize that denial is the dream.
The word denial being a dream land didn’t penetrate into me, that the application of this is to be living in and breathing in, a space that is loving cozy and warm while interacting in real life with the opposite.
Denial is a balloon, a bubble that floats above reality. I was a bubble girl!
What I realized in yoga as I thought of the quilt I made with the little girl and her balloon, is that on the quilt there are beads running up into the balloon, and now I know those beads are tears.
When you shed enough tears, the balloon breaks like a water balloon bursts.
It leaves you naked, no blanky to cover with, nothing to hide under, you are left with a broken balloon of dreams.
