IMPERFECT Lady

Reality has no Delete Buttons

 

I am way confused about the applications of religion, the way religion believes that you can hand over your burdens to God, that Jesus will carry the things you don’t want to deal with, that he is a dumping off place.

 

How can you literally hand the “bad stuff” over?

 

Like what do you do actually?

 

How do you take experiences and actions and bundle them up and hand them over?

 

How do you remove them from your past?

 

Isn’t it odd that this ‘forgiving and forgetting’ technique is only used for things that are troubling about other people; you never remove the ‘good things’ only the bad things you don’t want to deal with.

 

It reminds me a huge delete button.

 

When a person’s action hurts or makes you feel bad, and you don’t really want to address it, you can hit this button.

 

When an incident happens that changes the original picture of someone, you can just hit the “I forgive you button” and like magic they continue to be ‘good’.

 

This button will allow the other person not to have the hassle of changing, or making corrections; you are just agreeing to not see them.

 

Agreeing to not see them does not make them disappear.  You are just two people pretending something is no longer there.

 

It is like living in a world where hurtful things happen, but you are denying they are there, you are determined not to see/hear and feel them.

 

I am amazed and blown back that many actually believe this works.

 

This delete button is in your head; it really doesn’t work in reality.

 

You simply can’t walk along and hit this button when people’s behavior is unkind.

 

You can’t create a new version of someone by overlooking his or her behaviors/actions! It simply doesn’t work in reality.  In reality the person continues on doing that which he does and you are just overlooking it.

 

How supposedly intelligent individuals cannot see this NOT working puzzles me.

 

The only delete button is actions.

They have to act different.

They have to walk a new walk to change their behavior.

 

You simply can’t forgive and forget enough times to make the other person change.

 

My mother tried this repeatedly and my father continued to abuse little girls.  Her forgiving and forgetting allowed him to not have to change.

 

Oh MY God you simply can’t stuff this stuff into a belief in your head and make the world a better place!  You have to deal in the real.

 

What is so insane to me is I am seen as the one with the issues for I have no delete button anymore!  I am the problem, because I will not forgive and forget.

 

My delete button is broken.

 

I am out of my mind and into reality.

 

Reality has no delete buttons!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I will see.

 

What I know for sure is that you can’t convince people against their will.

 

Their will is inside and it is their experiences of the world, their minds and beliefs that are standing in front of you.

 

You simply can’t take the wall down from the outside, no matter how you articulate your words trying to explain your actions; they will simply not hear what is said in the manner it is presented.

 

Their beliefs block it out.

 

Anymore than their words will convince me against my feelings and experience.

 

To get someone to experience what I have, to make them feel what I feel is to hijack their bodies, and I can’t.

 

They are the sole owner of that body, their beliefs, thoughts and fears.  They are quite happy doing what they are doing; otherwise they would change.

 

What I have to change is believing they want to change.  What I have to change is trying to change them against their wills. 

 

I must accept what is.

I must accept their will.

I must accept their beliefs.

I must accept who they show me they are.

I must not try and change them.

I must not try and convince them against their will.

I must not try and change their beliefs.

I must meet them right exactly where they are at, in acceptance.

They are perfect. There is nothing there for me to change.

Anymore than there is something in me that I want them to change.  I want them to see me exactly as I am.

 

I don’t want a pinch of something that isn’t me added to me, not one false ideal, thought or belief. 

 

I want me to be seen as me.

All my actions exactly as they are.

All my words as they are intended.

And I will do the same to others.

I will see you as you are and not who I want you to be.

I will see your actions pure.

I will hear your words clear.

I will not make an illusional you.

 

You get to show me who you are.

I will see.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That is not buried.

“If you were to die today, who would be buried? The person you are or the person you are trying to become?”

 

This question was asked to me by my sister.

 

My response was, “me”.

 

When I went back to get it for this blog, I re-read it and it is even more profound.

 

I am not trying to become someone, but rather I am trying to undo the parts of me that are not true.

 

I am becoming more and more myself and less and less false.

 

If I were to die today I would die knowing that I was working like hell up against the fury and discontent of family and friends, to become me.

 

Just me.  Not trying to be someone else, just me.

 

I lived for 46 years in lies, both inside and out.

 

I lied each time I was silent and didn’t stand-up and against ideals and beliefs that I didn’t feel were right.

 

I lied to others and myself, there was little of the real me in any relationship I had.  I was raised on lies, so I was more lies than reality.  I could only be what was put into me, lies.

 

If I had died 5 ½ years ago, they would have buried a girl who had no idea of who she was, what brought her joy, what freedom meant, I would have died lost in dysfunction, a girl of lies.

 

My life would have been all for naught.

 

Today, if I were to die, I would die knowing who I am, what I stand for, my truths, my errors, my wounds, what heals me, what brings me peace, my passion.  I would die knowing me.

 

I feel so blessed to know who I am, to know all the dark corners and the bright spaces, to have freedom and joy, peace and love, all within myself.

 

I will die and they will bury me.  Not someone I am trying to be, for what I am trying to be, is Me.

 

Yet that Me, is my Soul and Spirit….the only part that is not buried.