“If you were to die today, who would be buried? The person you are or the person you are trying to become?”
This question was asked to me by my sister.
My response was, “me”.
When I went back to get it for this blog, I re-read it and it is even more profound.
I am not trying to become someone, but rather I am trying to undo the parts of me that are not true.
I am becoming more and more myself and less and less false.
If I were to die today I would die knowing that I was working like hell up against the fury and discontent of family and friends, to become me.
Just me. Not trying to be someone else, just me.
I lived for 46 years in lies, both inside and out.
I lied each time I was silent and didn’t stand-up and against ideals and beliefs that I didn’t feel were right.
I lied to others and myself, there was little of the real me in any relationship I had. I was raised on lies, so I was more lies than reality. I could only be what was put into me, lies.
If I had died 5 ½ years ago, they would have buried a girl who had no idea of who she was, what brought her joy, what freedom meant, I would have died lost in dysfunction, a girl of lies.
My life would have been all for naught.
Today, if I were to die, I would die knowing who I am, what I stand for, my truths, my errors, my wounds, what heals me, what brings me peace, my passion. I would die knowing me.
I feel so blessed to know who I am, to know all the dark corners and the bright spaces, to have freedom and joy, peace and love, all within myself.
I will die and they will bury me. Not someone I am trying to be, for what I am trying to be, is Me.
Yet that Me, is my Soul and Spirit….the only part that is not buried.
