“A long marriage is two people trying to dance a duet and two solos at the same time.”
~Anne Taylor Fleming
My solo dance has changed and it has affected our duet, for I am a new dancing partner.
In the duet I am the odd one and we both feel my differences. In places where I used to go, he goes alone, and in my new ways I go alone.
Perhaps we are both learning new solo dances.
The relationship is what the dance looks and feels like when we are together.
I feel that it is my fault that we keep stepping on each other’s toes, tentatively trying to learn new moves, or feeling unsure as to where to step.
We are out sync and out of tune, and it leaves you feeling uneasy and unsure.
It isn’t like investigating a new relationship, for we have 28 years of being together, of growing and sharing. It seems harder to make changes within an old dance.
How easy it would be to bail out and go solo, where you can twist and turn and not bump into someone’s feelings, put up boundaries where you are the only one affected, where my actions only matter to me.
For no matter what I do there is a ripple into those within my house.
I took for granted the smooth dance moves we had, the rhythms and comfort we had knowing each other so well, I wonder how long it will be for my new solo moves to seem normal within the Us.
What cuts to my core is I am not doing this on purpose, upsetting our world for something to do, I am just moving the best I can under the cruelest of circumstances.
I didn’t set out to disrupt our dance, to step on people’s toes, to ruin the duets; I am just a dancer in reality, where in the past I was dancing to a song in my head.
Our moves are awkward at best, stilted and unrehearsed, and sadly at times, more at ease alone.
I was trying to shield the impact of my world imploding and the fall out it caused, but in the end it was felt anyway.
I guess this is what it looks like when a family is impacted by tragedy and when one person changes so drastically that it splashes on everyone.
This is what life is, changes change the way you move!
