One definition of codependency; Adult children of alcoholics; people in relationships with emotionally or mentally disturbed; people in relationships with chronically ill peoples; parents of children with behavior problems; people in relationships with irresponsible people; professionals – nurses, social workers and others in ‘helping’ occupations. Even recovering alcoholics noticed they were codependent and perhaps had been long before becoming chemically dependent.
Melody Beatte goes on to write.
“One fairly common denominator was having a relationship personally or professionally, with troubled, needy, or dependent people. But a second more common denominator seemed to be the unwritten, silent rules that usually develop in the immediate family and set the pace for relationships. These rules prohibit discussion about problems; open expression of feelings; direct, honest communication; realistic expectations, such as being human, vulnerable or imperfect; selfishness; trust in other people and one’s self; playing and having fun; and rocking the delicately balanced family canoe through growth or change – however healthy and beneficial that movement might be. These rules are common to alcoholic family systems but can emerge in other families too.
Melody’s personal definition is; A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.
Melody Beatte
As I sit here 5 ½ years later, I realize that I rocked the family canoe by getting out, I tipped the balance and was seen as crazier than the folks who began steering that canoe long before I was born.
I heard on the radio today, that a family boat is heading down a certain river before a child is born, and our legacy is to pick up an oar and row.
We are taught how to row and in what direction by our parents. And we don’t start rowing at 18, but at about 1 year old or younger.
We are taught how to row and where.
It is my opinion that two mentally and emotionally disturbed people were rowing my family’s canoe, and that the only way to save my self was to get out of the boat, and not to just stop rowing.
I was no longer trusting in the elders who steered our family canoe, nor was I going to ride along with the rest, just because we were born in the same boat.
While I couldn’t change the course of the family boat, I could change mine, but in order to do so, I had to jump out.
It is seen as rejection of all who stayed in the boat.
It isn’t seen as healthy or wise, but rather that I have set boundaries to keep them out.
And I guess I have.
I don’t want people in my canoe trying to steer me in a direction I don’t want to go in.
It has been a long and arduous journey to find the strength and confidence to row myself, to strike out on my own, learning how to row in a direction that is much more healthy than what I was taught.
While the rest may see me as rejecting them, I am only embracing me.
Embracing my independence, my freedom of choice, my boundaries, and learning what is healthy for me and what causes me pain, what I need to live in peace, love and joy. Learning how to stay in my canoe and in my business, allowing and honoring each person to ride the river of life as they chose.
I heartily and cheerfully encourage the rest to jump ship, letting the family’s legacy canoe to finally become empty of dysfunctional codependent folks. It can happen when one by one each of us begin steering our own canoes!
