I could envision my self as a little girl and how she sits holding out her hands in shame again, for in them should be love and all she sees is fear.
Fear and terror are in her hands.
It feels like it is her responsibility to change that over to love, and no matter what she does or how hard she tries, what she tells her self, all that lay in her hands is fear.
She is not good enough; she is unworthy, something is wrong with her, for she can’t get it right.
Shame on you!
I was totally confused and lost in the thoughts that fear and shame were tightly woven within me.
I was ashamed and in fear.
When I pictured a young girl sitting there with fear in her hands and so shameful that she couldn’t change the feelings, it occurred to me, that ‘my little girl’ didn’t even have pictures in her head to know where the fear came from.
She had feelings but no road map on how they got there.
As thoughts came and went during the day yesterday, it came to me that my father changed my feelings I did not!
A line in a song, “A little girl was waiting for her daddy one day…” came into my mind.
I was waiting for a daddy and who came was a man who hurt me.
He changed from being my daddy and so did my daddy feelings.
In its place are bad man feelings and I can’t change them back.
The tragedy is that I had love, trust and faith in my hands, and they quickly disappeared and terror took its place, a sleight of hand, a bad card trick, and I got left holding the terror card.
I left the scene of the crime while the crime was taking place, but my body recorded the changes with feelings.
Now as a little girl when she sees her ‘daddy’ and feels terror and she doesn’t understand why?
Certainly something is so very wrong with her.
Shame on you!
My whole body felt such utter relief to know that it wasn’t me who changed my feelings about my father, and it isn’t me that can change them back.
It is up to him.
My feelings will be stuck in fear unless and until he presents to me a man who acts like a dad.
I am not responsible I didn’t do nothing wrong.
I was just a little girl who was waiting for her daddy that is all. That is all…
A little girl holding Love in her hands…that is all.
There is no shame in that.
I somehow felt I had to hide my fear; I was ashamed of my feelings.
The near miss encounter with my mother, lunged me back into the feelings I had as a little girl, it brought me back to the feelings I had and still have today. Nothing has changed within my body. It is incredible that it registers the same.
It is puzzling, how the feelings are similarly intense for her as with him.
Somehow I felt shamed by her for my feelings I had for him.
Disappointing her, her disproval reigned supreme as my number one thing I didn’t want to do.
Keeping her dream alive, “a longed for family” a father for her kids, I was guilty of not feeling the dream, yet I tried.
Looking back at my life in this awkward review, I feel my life instead of see it; it was like I lived in a balloon that I carried.
Up in the balloon I could pretend to feel what I didn’t feel.
In the balloon, I lived annihilated from my true feelings.
A life of pretend in a balloon, which never touched my body, for the string that held it away from me was called shame and fear.
In order to get back to my body, I had to travel backwards and feel what I could bear to feel.
That day in that dinner, without a balloon to protect me, I felt the electrical charge of fear wrapped around in a colorful ribbon of shame.
With my big girl awareness and reality’s support, along with a friend named Ann, I felt what I needed to feel, the awkwardness of a child in fear sitting in shame.
Shame is exposing your feelings of fear!
I had this quilt at the Gallery for sale and I took it back. For as I look at it, you can see how she has to now live. In the presence of her family she was made to live removed from her feelings....and if you see it from her view, she had to keep her real feelings away from her self, annihilated in a balloon!
