I have been fighting my body for so long, fighting with the feelings I have inside, tormenting myself as I struggle to not do, what it wants to do.
I fought my body to be close to my parents.
I fought my body to respond better to my parents.
I fought my body to feel comfortable with my family.
I was frustrated it couldn’t just relax, be normal, chill, and be a normal kid, a loving warm child.
It was like there was an inbred system that didn’t respond correctly to the outside.
It blew cold when it should have blown warm.
It then blew warm when it should have blown cold.
I felt best when I was far from my family. That is odd to know of yourself. I could then relax and be myself.
I am a freak of nature, for I don’t have the loving warm comfortable feelings I am supposed to have with family, mine are replaced with a cold standoffish chill.
So, I had to pretend what wasn’t within me ‘naturally’.
The day that my father was exposed as a pedophile was the day I stopped pretending. The cold fear within me was not unnatural, it was natural, and I was okay.
I was okay within me. My feelings and my body were acting perfectly.
I am perfectly okay and natural as an abused child can be.
It is perfectly natural to fear those who harm you.
There is annihilation between body/feelings and you when you are abused, and perhaps that is the real meaning of disassociation, we left our feelings behind.
It was either annihilate the feelings or annihilate the parent.
If you annihilate the parent you are out in the cold….
To live in complete annihilation from your feelings and your body, is to live half alive.
There came a fork in the road where I knew the cost that came with my self annihilation, the cost was me and many other little girls to follow.
When I didn’t speak up in fear of that man, he continued on.
I was the imposter, I was the pretender, I was unnatural, and I went against my feelings to fit in. I will not do that any more. I will fit out and be shunned for associating with my truth.
