When women feel they have learned to forgive their mothers - and men, their fathers - all it usually means is that they've decided to allow themselves the same kind of behavior.
~Mignon McLaughlin
The above quote caught my attention and I full heartedly agreed. Yet someone commented that it was kinda negative, and I agree it is negative and rightly so.
What is forgiveness?
How is it applied and why?
Who needs it and is it our responsibility to apply forgiveness upon the behaviors from someone who have hurt us, and if so, what does it change?
If I hurt someone, will them adding forgiveness on top like gravy make it feel better, remove my actions, will they feel less pain and will it stop me from hurting them again? What is my consequence for hurting them? Them being okay and letting it go letting me be a harmful humanbeing, is that good for me???
While the word sounds so compassionate and very loving, is it?
Forgiveness is applied upon another, when I believe it was meant for personal use.
I had mentioned to my mother a long time ago, that the forgiveness she seeks is of her self, and I still agree with that today.
How do you apply forgiveness?
Is it a thought, a feeling, an emotion and it it possible to transfer it to someone?
In my experience of how my siblings used forgiveness it is to ‘overlook’ pardon the hurtful actions and remain in a relationship with my parents.
It is seen as a more loving thing to do.
More loving than not forgiving.
What is not forgiving?
Is it to not overlooking the actions, not pardoning them, but holding them accountable? Is that wrong?
I am not seeing why it is bad to hold someone accountable, to not pardon their behavior, what am I missing here?
It didn’t take me long to realize that IF my father was a monster, and IF I didn’t see that, and due to the fact that I had missed this fact, I had brought my girls to him, I was accountable for my behaviors, there was no pardon that would change that fact, none.
I was the driver of the car that brought them to him.
I hold myself responsible for my part.
As a child who didn’t know, but feared him and was silent, I was not to be pardoned for not telling, being silent was a behavior that was not to be overlooked, for when I was silent he continued to abuse.
You can’t pardon my behaviors and even if you did, they will not change the outcome of the past 45 years, nothing, absolutely nothing will change if you forgive me.
Nor did it ever even once cross my mind to ask my children or my siblings to forgive me, for I knew full well, what my actions had caused.
Martha Beck has a new meaning of forgiveness that I have adopted, “Forgiveness is accepting that the past will not change.”
I agree.
I have been working on forgiveness, (accepting) my actions and behaviors for the first 46 years of my life, and there is no pardon on earth that will change what happened. None.
No fancy words.
No transferring energy to me.
No emotions can be put upon me to change the outcomes, none.
What was done was done.
Many a little girl lost her innocence and there is no pardon for that, none.
Pardons will not change it.
Overlooking what happened will not change it.
Refusing to hold them accountable today does not change it, yet all I can do is make sure today that I remain accountable of my actions today.
Today I will not forgive him, that is for him to do.
Today I will not forgive her, that is for her to do.
Today I will forgive myself by accepting that the past will not change, that I can’t change who I was back there, I can’t change what happened, but I can change who I am today.
Who I am today is someone who will not overlook, look around or away from a behavior that hurts, I will hold you accountable for your actions and me for mine, I will speak up instead of be silent about my feelings, and I want you to be honest with me about yours.
I don’t want a repeat of my first 46 years.
I am grateful I have a second chance at life.
Grateful that I have been able to make corrections so history will not repeat itself in my life.
I am grateful I didn’t learn to forgive my mother, for I would have allowed the same behavior in myself.
It was for both of us that I didn’t forgive her.
