One of the side affects to being traumatized when you are little is that you can’t rely on anything, it seems that what we see can change at any time, so it leaves you standing on unsettled ground, nothing is for sure and not what you see.
You wait for the change, on guard, but not ready, for you have no way to stop it or change it. “Ready or not, here I come….”
I awoke with the thought that I don’t trust people to remain the same; I am always waiting on a change, it is my sense of people that they swing hot and cold.
Like a twisting knife, you never are sure what side they will present to you.
The same sick nature was in me, I too never knew what was going to send me into a rage, what seemingly small item would be the last straw, what it took for me to lose control of me.
The more I trust me, the more I gain control over me, the more I am able to calm me down, to respond in ways that match reality, the less the trauma affects have me.
Not trusting others is only half of the affect, not trusting that you can exit that you have a choice to no longer be with a twisting person, leaves you stuck.
So not only are you playing roulette, you can’t duck.
When I learned I didn’t have to be with people who are so confused, so out of control, I was free.
To be free to move and duck to play or not play opens up a whole new world.
I love that changes will still come, but that I don’t have to entertain them.
I select my response to all changes. I decide how I will respond, it isn’t pre-programmed, and when change comes I get to decide what to do, it isn’t forced upon me.
Being forced to weather changes.
Forced to withstand what ever is assaulted upon you.
Leaves you a prisoner in your own life.
Where you and the jailer are one.
I used to pray and hope and that others would change so I could feel better, yet I never prayed for me to change, not once did I see it was me!
I was the one who allowed her self to be forced; it started as a child and became a way of life.
A forceful way of life.
Forced to be where you don't want to be.
Until I was forced to choose them or me.
Forced to pick one life.
I picked me.
