“It’s easier to love a happy me,” is a comment I made and it seems profound in a very simplistic way.
How can you love yourself if you are unhappy?
What I found by writing is that unhappiness is wanting what is impossible to have.
If you are not happy with what you have, you can’t love what you are.
My happiness came when I discovered that there was no chance in getting what I wanted for me, that I had to accept what I was.
I wanted me to be a not abused girl.
I didn’t want to own the abuse and all what the abuse did to me, nor any of the characters attached to the abuse, or the church’s line of forgiveness.
The list went on and on, and nothing on the list was pleasing to me; a full menu of things I didn’t like.
When there was no hope or a pray in heaven that my reality could/would/should change, I found happiness.
It was either be okay with my lot in life, or be unhappy.
It is easy to be happy with a nice pair of shoes or jeans that fit you well, but try and put on reality when it seems too sordid to tell and be happy in that.
But it hurts more to be forever waiting and wanting what is impossible to have.
For some reason it is better to accept what is possible than to get left seeking the impossible.
I made friends with what was possible.
I learned mostly I had possibilities.
“When God shuts a door, he opens a window” I believe is a phrase many use.
Instead of sitting by the closed door, I went to the window and had the courage to find a way to be happy.
By turning my attention and desires away from the closed door, I was presented with a million opportunities to be happy.
They would never be the choices behind the closed door, they were all different and I was delighted and surprised to find they made me happy.
In the window of opportunities I began to see a new life, a new way, a new me, a new normal was being born.
There is simply nothing I can do to change my past or all the characters who played there, but I can now decide how I play today.
I play where I am happy!
