“Happiness is a function of accepting what is.”
~Werner Erhard
I received a message from an old friend, and he was worried about me being happy, that he was sorry I felt so badly towards my mother, he hoped I would get over it and let go, he also wished me the best and a little peace.
It is hard to explain how I can be happy away from my mother/father/family.
What I have written about most is what was wrong with our relationship, not what was good.
Ask any divorced women if she is happier away from her ex or in his presence, and that is how a child feels who finally is able to exit a bad family relationship, no matter what age.
My peace inside comes from knowing I have put up boundaries, where I will not be hurt again.
My happiness is by accepting who they are and not expecting something else.
I am not sitting waiting for what they are unable to give.
I had to let go of my image or idea of a father and have accepted that he is sick and is a pedophile; he is unable to be a dad. Happiness is no longer wanting what he isn’t able to give. Happiness comes in letting go of the Hallmark picture, and instead seeing what I have.
I had to let go of my thoughts of who my mother was, and had to replace them with reality.
Peace comes in knowing there is nothing I can do to change who they are, but rather change how I react.
Even though much of my writings are struggles to figure out all the nuances of abuse, the traces and hooks that have me mixed up inside, each time I unravel a new strand I am more peaceful.
Writing is my therapy, it allows me to work out what I fail to see, what part of me is still confused, lost and unsure.
What part of me is still in the illusion of a loving family.
I am not happy until I have full disclosure of what is.
Happiness is being at one with reality.
Unhappiness wants what is impossible to get.
